Today has been busy and not unpleasant due to the people I have interacted with. It also has been a bit of a rebound from yesterday as I mostly put off thinking about the things that made me sad.
The only really black cloud on Sunday was receiving official notice that Vancouver Island MusicFest was cancelled for this year due to the pandemic. Although it was forshadowed I still found it nearly unbearable to email my crew and let them know before they read it on Facebook. When I made a decision to leave Bella Bella in 2016 I had two options in mind, Comox Valley (where the Fest and my friends are) or Cranbrook (where my kids and grands are). It was not an easy decision as I do not make friends easily. Acquaintances, no worries. Can chat up perfect strangers with aplomb, but good for the soul connections are harder to come by especially as the years go by. I made those connections on Vancouver Island and rely heavily on keeping them during Festival time and possibly at other times of year. At the time I had 4 grandsons all under 10 and I decided that if I didn’t come build relationship with them at this age it may not be there in the future. I didn’t realize at the time though how seldom I would get to return to visit my friends. It is now a planned destination rather than a happy stop along the way to elsewhere which used to happen often. Drive-by huggings were my specialty. I had a trip planned to go see them and just spend some good visiting time in May and then return again in July for the Fest. First the May trip was ruled out and now the July. I try not to dwell on when I may see them again, just lock it in, that I will.
Today was a constant reminder, drawing eye welling, as the reply email from my lovely, dedicated, wonderful crew came in. So far so many are thankful for opportunity to come back next year and make it happen. I only pray we do.
I have a tattoo on my left forearm that is a drawing my father used to put on all cards and letters. I had it done on the 5th anniversary of his plane crash. A few years later my daughter had a homestay student named Gabriel from Brazil and his mother would use the term Saudades on his Facebook. I looked it up and instantly knew that feeling and he came with me to have it added under the drawing which signified the loss of my Mother and sister and Father. These days the feeling is close to my heart. There is such an unsettled feeling in my soul about everything in this life and just this evening I realized that it was:
Saudade (English: /ˌsaʊˈdɑːdə/,[1] European Portuguese: [sɐwˈðaðɨ], Brazilian Portuguese: [sawˈdadi] or [sawˈdadʒi], Galician: [sawˈðaðɪ]; plural saudades)[2] is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for and/or loves while simultaneously having positive emotions towards the future. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never be had again. It is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places, or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, and well-being, which now trigger the senses and make one experience the pain of separation from those joyous sensations. However it acknowledges that to long for the past would detract from the excitement you feel towards the future. Saudade describes both happy and sad at the same time, which is most closely translated to the English saying ‘bitter sweet’.
I usually make resolutions on my birthday instead of New Years but this year I did not until this moment when I declare that I resolve to be kind to me and wait until the feeling passes.
Until then I shall drink tea made in a unicorn from a mug made by my daughters when they were young and believe that It is Well with my soul.
triumphgal 