To throw me a lifeline
I signed the papers for the internment
I wished my brother a happy 60th
I learned that we were fucked over by the con artist that usurped her way into Mrs Bs life
I gave notice to a client with two companies
I weeded the noxious plant out of my yard that the neighbour complained about
I emotionally fell off a cliff
Addendum; sorry for worrying you. Had a FaceTime with Diane and talked a lot out.
I took a hot tub and then stood in the sun and ate raspberries right off the bush. They are plentiful and delicious
I messaged my back neighbour to help herself to some and she sent me a picture of a bad weed and told me it is growing along our shared fence. I have nothing in me that wants to deal with that currently
I made a short birthday message for Greg as he turns 60 tomorrow and his daughter Cass is putting something together for him.
After work I visited with Rae outside in her red chairs, the deep conversation spot. It was good for both of us to vent (about others lol)
It was nice to come home to a small mess only
I’ll keep chipping away at it.
I was up early and had a full bused waste bag of weeds and 1/3 of the lawn mowed (ran out of gas) before 10:30. That is extraordinary for me.
I then moved inside to keep sorting and filling the car with to go stuff. The best things I did though was take an enhanced bath bomb bath, and wash all my bedding. I also took joy in finally putting away all the laundry that I have done since the beginning of June at least.
I did enjoy binging Trying while I was doing all that.
I slept with only a couple interruptions until 10:45!
It was too hot by then to work outside so as I watched shows I sorted through almost all of the piles of things brought from Moms.
My car is full of thrift and consignment items
It was cathartic and I have a couple things to find proper homes for , especially the doll her father bought in Yellowknife and another that is 1960 Hudson’s Bay.
After finishing the last season of For All Mankind, I am really enjoying ‘Trying’
I didn’t set an alarm and didn’t really sleep in. I got to the office around 10 and had just missed the Campbells dropping in on their way back to Qualicum Beach from Calgary. I got some work done and then met them and the Watsons at Fire Hall for lunch. It was painfully slow but we had a good visit. I miss my Covid bubble family. I made a plan to try to go stay with them for a night or two after the wedding on Salt Spring.
I did go back to the office to get more done but soon felt the need to leave early. I came home and had a really great visit with Tracey. It’s been too long and it was nice to hang first in her yard and then mine which was much cooler in the shade of my trees.
I have spent the evening watching another season of For All Mankind.
I am weirdly unsettled
I am glad to see that Julie J, dear friend for oh so many years is coming up for Mom’s gathering.
This amused and confused me today
I slept in two hour increments last night, so yeah, that was frustrating. I finally got up and jumped in the hot tub before getting on a pretty dress to head on with my day. I did take time to have breakfast raspberries from my bushes that are overflowing.
I went to the office and got a lot done before heading to Rotary lunch. It was really nice to sit beside Cindy Souchereau who is the director of golf at St Eugene golf club. She did a wonderful presentation about the 104th PGA tournament of champions coming here in August
After lunch, I headed to Mark Memorial to meet with Jenna to pick up Mom’s ashes. She is such a lovely human and offered me all sorts of perks that we don’t really need like a tent and chairs, etc. at the graveside. She asked me to send her pictures of mom‘s parents tombstones so that she could help me find a good match. I decided that I would take Mom to the Kimberley cemetery. I am very pragmatic about things and did not actually feel like mom was visiting her parents, but there was something symbolic in placing her urn on their graves for pictures.
From there, I headed out to Meadowbrook eight minutes away to see Barrie and confirm that we could use his yard for the gathering September 5. We had a really nice long visit about all the things that he has been going through as well. I am grateful to keep that relationship as I miss his wife my cousin Jeanne so much.
I stopped for a nice visit with Donna and Hogie and even got to taste a few of their huckleberries that they had picked
Back at the office, I got a bunch more work done and then I spent time making an event on Facebook for Mom’s gathering. All these little things are making it easier for me to get through this.
I asked Brett if he wanted to go play trivia and he said yes, but then I found out that there is a band there tonight and no trivia so said I was going to Fenwick for some food. He joined and we had one of the best conversations ever. We admitted that we have both become one of each others best friends, and we had the pinky swear that we wouldn’t hold back feels anymore from each other. It was very poignant and absolutely necessary. While we were talking, Monica reached out to me to see how I was doing and invited me over. I stopped there on the way home and spent an incredible evening with Galen and Monica talking about a lot of other things than just the immediate things that are going on in my life. I was able to let Monica know how important it was for me that she could tell my mom she had me in her hands and I was going to be OK. I believe that to be true as tonight was a perfect example of being able to share with friends, download debrief and be real.
I am going to get through this with both my robot and empath side working together.
For now, Mom’s ashes are in my office behind my monitors so I don’t see them constantly and Brett has offered to safely keep them in his office if it turns out to be too much for me. I suspect I will be fine just knowing I have that option.
I was awake far too early and couldn’t even get in the hot tub as there was a big thunderstorm.
I was at the office before 9 which was the time Mom was being cremated. I did not anticipate that being such a trigger for my emotions. I decided that I had to go through her filing cabinet to find insurance and investment info. I did not anticipate how emotional that would be as I found so many memories to go through. I even found a gorgeous share certificate from Consolidated Mining – Cominco. I am going to frame it.
I went to the Rotary Board meetings and found myself just sadder. When I left there found me had a parking ticket and it was the last straw. I cried off and on for the rest of the afternoon.
Things that also triggered me: someone had door scraped and dinged my rear corner panel on my car; I had found an insurance policy with only my brother as beneficiary
Did manage to arrange getting Moms investments paid out as soon as they receive the certified copies of everything. They will split and send directly to Greg and me. I hope there will be further insurance paid out that will cover the taxes next year
I got home and phoned Rosie, crying. She talked me down and I reached out to Mons brothers about a gathering on Sept 5th. I will talk to the funeral home when I go pick up the ashes tomorrow about arrangements with Kimberley cemetery
I am running out of steam.
I am beginning to feel as though I am swamp walking through the days. I have to continually update all my calendars and write lists. I have begun to bite off the small bits; today I canceled her Blue Rewards (Airmiles) and transferred them to my account. There was only 3k but no sense letting them lapse. I also did a will search with my notary so that I can get a copy and be sure it is up to date. I’ll probably wake in the night and remember where it is. The group of us from the GroundFloor wandered over to Integra Tire who were having a fundraiser for the Rotary Creekside Village, our upcoming seniors residences. I am sad as Ashley, the community manager at GF is leaving Aug 14. I am happy that she is going to nursing school and I think she will be amazing. I received a text that Mom has been moved and will be cremated at 9 am mtn time tomorrow. I felt like throwing up. I did get a lot done though and headed to the F&B for mussels and a martini.
I am extremely grateful to my son-in-laws sister-in-law is letting me stay in their cottage on Salt Spring when I go down in August. I don’t think I am emotionally able to stay at my brothers. I will spend time with them but it will be chaotic and i still need to work.
Tomorrow is another day
I woke up again early and went for a soak in the hot tub because my leg is aching. It did help. I arrived at the office to find this amazing pair of compression socks, awaiting me from Kerstin one of my main clients
I did get a lot of work today done in spite of being in a bit of a brain fog. I think the grief is actually making me weary now. I had a doctor appointment via the phone and we agreed I will start taking amitriptyline as it will help my nerve pain and be a low-dose antidepressant.
Five of us took a 2 PM break to walk over to Max‘s café, which was good because I got a bowl of their soup to have when I got back to the office and the delicious raspberry Italian soda. It was a gorgeous hot day out today. It is 923 at night and still 25° outside.
I went and picked up my prescription after work and then stopped for a short visit with Rae-Anne to confirm that she will be the executor for my Will as I have an appointment with a notary tomorrow to update it.
The biggest problem is I have ripped through my filing cabinet tonight and can’t find my most recent Will anywhere I found one from 1998 and I don’t think there’s much difference but I do need to change the executors from the Bennett’s to Rae. I know I have a newer one somewhere, but can’t for the life of me figure out what smart place I put it in.
Oh well, I guess we will just cancel all previous ones and do a new one tomorrow it’ll just cost me more. And then I will go put it in my safety deposit box where it belongs. Seriously, if I have forgotten that I put the other one there in the first place, I will be so annoyed.
Addendum: it is hard to plan moms gathering as nothing can happen until Alexa’s wedding at end of August and Labour Day Saturday is uncle Bryan and auntie Lynne’s 56 anniversary
It turns out I woke up around seven as seems to be the usual because Rayann would bring me a coffee before work in the morning mornings at the hospital and around seven I would head home for a shower
Because I was up early, I decided to get ready and head to meet uncle Lawrence uncle Bryan & Lynne, Sarah, and Kevin at Bootleg Gap golf course for breakfast
I’ve never been there before and it was a beautiful setting and the food was good although two slices of sourdough toast with sliced tomato avocado and a bit of feta cheese was $22 so I’m not sure I would make a habit of going there. I believe uncle Lawrence bought, which was a lovely brunch treat. We took some pictures outside and then Sarah and Kevin headed off for Squamish.
As I was about to leave, I got a message from Jeff my tattoo guy asking if I could come at 11 rather than one and that would work out perfect so I said yes. I really enjoyed my time with him as usual and I’m very happy with Barb’s license plate with all the extraneous things removed and the letters WSM- wicked step mother for Donna. He also added the date to my turtle from when Ashlée and I went to Hawaii.
I headed home and put a bandana around it to protect it from the sun. Well, I went out to Fort Steele to meet with the family for the birds of prey show up from Duncan. It was really good and we hung out there until four. Steele closed at four and then I waited a little longer for Rae who was doing some work, things in our position as the marketing manager for Fort Steele. Roger headed on with Gene and Sawyer to check out the River.
As I was sitting in the clam shell, I noticed that the birds were getting very disturbed by the flapping of it, and I noted that the rope had come undone which kicked in gear my stage experience so I went around back and re-threaded and roped it back down to the pipe so that it doesn’t get ripped to shreds
I asked Rae-Anne on the way back to search Mrs. B’s obituary as I had somehow missed it. It has horrible spelling mistakes, but from that, we also found the Facebook page for the school that she used to teach at. The alumni were saying incredible things about her, and I was so happy to read them.
https://www.haywardsfuneral.ca/obituary/donna-bellavance/
I had a nice visit sort of there was a lot going on a lot of Cross conversations which super frustrate me. Roger made us an amazing yellow chicken and rice dinner and I was blessed to be there when Will called from Quebec on his French immersion exchange. It sounds like he’s doing well.
It was a very decent day and I am very tired and this will be a busy month but that’s good because I’ll be making money
I did some chores, got ready and headed to Meadowbrook for Jeanne’s celebration of life on the Taggarts yard. There were so many cousins and their adult kids It was an incredible gathering and exactly what Mom wants. Barry has offered his place for it. I was so happy to see my cousin Sarah and her husband Kevin up from Squamish. She gave me a beautiful card with a handwritten message including Elvis lyrics and a candle to hold space for my lost loved one.
Mark did brisket in the smoker, his daughter Sarah made amazing Mac and cheese and we all brought salads and desserts. Roger, Rae, Gene and Sawyer also came.
It was so good to hug Rod and Terry who lost their mom a couple days ago at 98
Uncle Lawrence invited me over Nextdoor to have a Bumbu toast to Mom and sent me home with the bottle.
I am sad that cousin Mark’s wife Elaine was not there as her Mom is at deaths door. That will be the fourth death this year in that part of our family. 2026 sucks but family is supportive
The morning at the office began with a delivery of flowers from my birth Mom’s family, the Beastalls
That was quickly followed by Mom’s urn. It is even more beautiful than in the pictures
I finished her obituary which turned into more of a tribute and sent it off to the funeral home. They did post it and sent me a digital copy of the death certificate.
https://www.markmemorial.com/obituary/barbara-bellavance-2/
After getting work done I stopped at Superstore for some groceries and a Caesar salad for tomorrow.
Once home I finally unpacked my car after bringing in my flowers and groceries.
We did have sad news that Mom’s Auntie Pat died this morning at a very ripe age. Cousin Barry has a serious infection and had to go to the hospital for treatment. He has to go back at some point tomorrow which is complicated as it is his wife Jeanne’s celebration of life tomorrow.
I was sunk in my chair watching Netflix when I got a message that my wonderful friend, Edwina, that she was staying in Cranbrook on her way to see her daughter and grandkids in Calgary. I dressed again and booted over to the Model A motel where she and Walter were staying. We sat outside chatting and watching the sun set. We had many great hugs and it was so great to see her. It seems like so long ago that we both lived on Salt Spring
This morning I awoke raging at a dream of Roger my son-in-law stealing my ‘46 Willys. Since Mom got her wings from have struggled to sleep. I fall asleep in my comfort position but a few hours later am tossing and turning as my psyche thinks I let go of her hand. I can hear not fall back to sleep n the position I was beside her in the recliner. My nightmares are ridiculous as they are the least possible thing. I am high functioning at the moment but I need the stress to filter out.
I stopped by the office to run a payroll and was reminded that I hadn’t dealt with this…
Still haven’t
I had an appointment at 10:15 for a deluxe pedicure and a new set of nails. I chose an emerald hand for Mom and a sapphire one for Mrs B
It was exactly what I needed. I then headed to Staples to drop her cable box to FedEx and while I was there I spotted a sale ending today on luggage. Mine was damaged on my last trip so I picked up a new set for the price of one and got a bin for a buck
From there I stopped and picked up a bottle for my friend Penny who is in Sunshine Rotary. We enjoy espresso martinis when we meet at out of town events. It’s her 60th today and her Mom invited me for cupcakes this afternoon. Keon and his partner showed up and we all had a lovely visit before taking our leave when others started arriving
I came home and stalled doing what was necessary. Brett texted that if I needed a diversion he and JD would come out for trivia.
I decided to go write the obituary so I went to my office as my brain and fingers connect well I did use ChatGPT but was strict about changes and fine tunes it in my voice.
I will share the link when I get it from the funeral home. The reaction from Greg and Kym was very positive. I thanked ChatGPT for the help and was moved by the response:
You’re very welcome.
Over the course of our conversation, I stopped thinking of this as simply an obituary. It became Barbara’s story.
What stands out isn’t just the chronology of her life, but the little things that made her her: the birthday cards that always arrived on time, the cat figurines, the story of meeting Elvis at sixteen, life on the houseboat, her generosity toward children’s charities, and that wonderfully practical goodbye—“Watch out for the idiots.” Those are the details that family and friends will smile at years from now.
One day, your grandchildren and great-grandchildren may read this without having known her well. Because of the memories you shared, they’ll come away feeling like they did.
I hope the days ahead bring you moments of laughter alongside the tears, as you remember the stories she gave you. Based on everything you’ve told me, I have a feeling Barbara would much rather have people gathered in a backyard, playing Elvis a little too loudly, sharing stories and laughing, than sitting quietly in rows. That feels very true to the woman you’ve described.
Thank you for trusting me with something so personal. It was a privilege to help you honor her memory.
May Barbara Pamela Bellavance’s memory be a blessing, and may her love continue to travel with your family—just as surely as her reminder to watch out for the idiots. ❤️
I joined the boys and we did not shine tonight but it was good to spend time together
I was up early and off to the office to put together my bits for today as I was to be the emcee for Cranbrook’s big Canada Day celebration in Rotary Park. I had to handle a few last minute things and feel that everyone left happy. It was a success and there was nothing not about half an hour left f wind and a sprinkle of rain but otherwise a beautiful day.
This was one of my favourite parts of the day
From noon to six was a lot for me but it was worth it and it headed to F&B after for wing night. Had a good visit at the bar with Wesly Graham, a city councillor and aid to MP
I happened to glance over and saw my grandson Gene with Lucas and Owen. That was an odd first so I bought them a round.
I am very tired and I have a heating pad on my leg
I was woken up at 7:30 this morning by a phone call from Bloomix to arrange delivery of flowers on Friday. The funny thing is is I’m so used to just up and go that I got up got showered and headed to the office where I had my first coffee and a social with the others in the coworkers space before getting down to work. I ran a payroll and then headed for my appointment at the funeral home.
The woman there was amazing with a help of phone, a friend or rather text a cousin, I was able to answer all the questions that were necessary and make all the plans and having transferred the money out of Mom‘s account to cover expenses pay the $3941 bill. I figured that is pretty reasonable. I also now have a file there with the information about me so that my kids won’t have to figure that all out. I know they wouldn’t have known where my mother and father were born and what their full legal names were, etc.. I plan to make sure that they are not left in the place that I am. The conversation took an interesting twist when I mentioned that my antidepressant was Lego. It turns out the woman’s 14-year-old daughter is struggling right now and she was looking forward to introducing that to her and she started to tear up and I gave her a big hug and she said I’m supposed to be consoling you. The thing is that it meant a lot to me to be able to help her in that moment. They really do take care of a lot of things, including CPP and OAS and contacting Kimberley Cemetery about placing the ashes there. I am going to get a digital fingerprint that anyone in the family can use if they want to get a tattoo and they will also take DNA samples and provide me the reports so that I can give them to my brother. There will also be opportunity to place an obituary on their website, which I will come up within the next day or two. I felt really good and looked after when I left there. I shall be expecting a text with the time of the scheduled cremation so that I can have a toast to Mom in that moment.
From there, I went straight to Joseph Creek village to do a walk-through of Mom’s apartment and handover the keys. I made it very clear that I felt they should not charge me for a couple days rent for July as she had not been there for two full months, eating the meals and having her apartment cleaned. I did agree to have the carpet cleaning taken off the damaged deposit but nothing else.
I met Donna and Rosie at Heid-out and had a martini lunch.
Back at the office, I printed the FedEx mailing label to send back her cable modem as I had called them in the morning and found out that nothing more was owed as she was on a month-to-month at this point and that was good news
Once I was done all my payroll headed to last meeting of the committee of Rotarians putting on Canada Day in the park. I am the MC for the event and got as much information as I could before coming home
This evening Tracey came over to visit me and let me download about the last couple of weeks before telling me that she retired today after 28 years with interior health. We drank some crown and had a nice visit.I let her pick a pair of Mom‘s silver cat earrings for looking after Missy while I was going through all of this.
I then had an amazing chat back-and-forth with Kim my brother‘s wife. She was able to express some of the things and let me say the things that I needed to that I have not been able to with him. I showed her the urn that I had picked out and ordered from Amazon and she agrees that it is perfectly beautiful.
I then got a very nice call from my granddaughter’s mother, Danika. She apologize for taking so long to call, but really they have been going through hell up in Elkford as the water system went down and her husband is away on manoeuvres with the army reserve. Her water was still working, but she was offering laundry services to anyone who needed it, etc.. We had a really nice talk.
So it’s been quite a day and now I should probably get some sleep in order to be ready for the big day tomorrow as I am on duty from 1130 till six Ish
I awoke at 8:45 with my phone ringing. It was David who had intended to come help move furniture on Saturday but had cell reception issues and only got my message with the address at 6:30 this morning. He very much apologized and I told him it was ok, others showed up and we got it done. Poor guy felt bad.
I got ready and headed to the office. I got so much done with two breaks. One was for a call from Clayton at Joseph Creek. I had left a message that Mom got her wings and the apartment was empty so I wanted to do a walk through. He had the balls to tell me that they were going to charge July rent as they needed time to let the contractors in and the estate would be reimbursed a prorated amount once someone moved in
It needs a vacuum and clean the fridge and bathroom and is move in ready. I would move in now. I was so angry and silent. He said I can hear you processing that, we will talk more about it tomorrow when I go at 11
I cooled down and got more done before Daryl, a client came with a good scotch and we chatted about Mom. I also learned that the accident a couple weeks ago involved his daughter. Her and her partner had a car plow into their rental house. The front wheel ended up right over her head where she lay in bed!the pictures are terrifying. They were ok, thank God
I did have a fabulous conversation with my cousin Michael. He is such a good soul. I just love him like a brother that I choose.
After finally finishing all my filings I came home. it was good to have a soak and a lovely sip of good port.
I woke up after about 7 hours sleep. I messaged everyone of her friends and family that I could.
I decided I needed to soak my aching ankle but forgot to turn back on the heater so the hot tub was only at 68 degrees… nope.
I sat drinking my coffee out in the yard
I came in wandering through the mess and started a load of cat hair covered blankets. I found my self walking around the kitchen aimlessly in a circle, talking to myself: what was I needing to do, what can I do, I can clearly walk in circles
At that point I decided it was time to get showered and dressed. I made a plan to meet Croziers and Roger at the apartment to get the last stuff. On the way I stopped at Fenwick and Baker for a bowl of soup and a martini, two of Mom’s favourites.
We got the apartment done and I came home to sip some port that Uncle Bryan and Auntie Lynne got me as I sorted a few pictures out of her albums and from my camera roll to create a Facebook post. I also answered all the messages from her US cousins about a service. It sounds like they want to come for a BBQ
Chris And Ruth from the UK saw a heart shaped cloud and sent it to me. It’s beautiful.
I was surprised to get a call from the funeral to Director today and she sounds lovely. I have an appointment with her on Tuesday morning as she would like me to have a day to get the work done that I need to and then we will have the papers we need. I am so grateful that when Ashlée and I were sorting through paperwork, I found a copy of her birth certificate as I need it.
As it happens, I was going through her purse and emptying it and found her original from 1941 in the North West Territories
Most of the rest of the day I moved between my La-Z-Boy watching AGT and doing laundry and that’s about as much as I could do so I DoorDash some food for lunches this week and some salad have tonight and some ice cream because I was craving it.
Day, one is done 
I had the chore of Moms apartment still hovering over me. In spite of my ribs hurts from crying deeply last night Rae stayed at Moms side and I headed to her apartment. I was at first overwhelmed and needed to figure out what to do with the remaining furniture. I sorted things into a pile for me, and things spoken for and emptied and washed all the Tupperware storage containers, finished emptying the fridge and freezer and then my anxiety was overwhelming me so I headed back to the hospital. Rosie and Uncle Lawrence were there with Rae. Rosie said I needed to just hire someone with a truck to help. Roger and the boys had taken two loads but had to take off. I was gratified their help.
Dee-Anne Crozier showed up and she and Rae reached out to friends. I reached out to Erin Pan and between them an amazing group arrived. Gene’s friend Lukas took the remaining furniture to the thrift, Ryan and Remy to several loads to thrift and stuff to my place, Monica and Galen took all the assistance items back to Refd Cross and were happy to have moms two antique dressers that she really wanted to have and Paul showed up to help where he could and took away the recycling and garbage. A Mom brought her daughter who was so happy to have the small table and chairs and a lamp. None of them would accept any money. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and told that that is what family does.
All that was left was the bed frame that Roger will pick up, the items that Maddi will take for her apartment, and the electronics that I must return to utilities
I returned to find Mom struggling to breathe.
I raced home to shower, drop off things for the freezer and returned
Everyone had to leave and Monica had said I could text. I asked her to come as I knew my anxiety was signaling
We sat on each side sipping wine and chatting about our parents and Mom was gurgling. She took a last gentle breath with us holding her hands and Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah playing as they declared her gone at 10:56.
We went outside and I called Greg, then Rosie and each of my kids. I will let her friends know tomorrow
Back in the room we moved the furniture back into the lounge and tidied up before I left a note to the people we had shared this tough time with in the adjoining room. Jenna and Kalee gave me big hugs and I had one last conversation with one of the confused ducks in the hall on my way out.
I am home now. I can’t go to bed yet. I will let my body adjust and tomorrow I will feel all the feels.
She has her wings, the pain is over after a most unusual journey. The doctor was stunned that her cancer progressed so quickly and that she held on so long.
The night was tough. Mom’s breathing was so rough that I had to ask for earplugs, and I could still hear her, which gave me some comfort.
I had extremely jumpy legs. The nurses even mentioned that every time they came in my legs were jumping because I haven’t had treatment for my ankle. I have had to cancel my Physio, my shots and my mornings in the hot tub. Happy legs were not my friend last night.
When I did fully wake up, Rae was by the other bedside and Greg was in the family lounge attached to her room.
Then Day nurse walked in and it was the one that Mom doesn’t like from when she was in hospital before. I took a big breath and addressed Tatania letting her know that it was very important to me that Mom doesn’t get moved or spoken to too much, etc. and she was very understanding and said to me that who she is in the other rooms is encouraging people so they can get home and who she is here understands, and she was shocked to see how fast the decline was She turned out to be absolutely lovely all day 
I went home to have a shower and change my clothes as it was day three wearing them and while I was gone, Greg headed for home
I have many feels about that, but I am choosing not to lose my brother and my mom at the same time. We clearly deal with things differently.
Rae had to go to work but I knew that Rosie would still come. She showed up with coffee in hand and a while later uncle Lawrence showed up. He has really surprised me as it is very much hurting him to watch his big sister like this, but he sits and holds her hands for hours at a time.
The doctor showed up and it was decided to up her dose of hydromorphone so we didn’t have to keep pushing the button every 10 minutes to double her dose she is now on a 2 mg dose and I am to be careful not to push the button too often as that would be doubling the dose again
I’m sure that there were many things in the day but honestly, it is becoming a blur as I begin my burnout
I went out for a smoke earlier yes I quit smoking October 16 and started again last week if I haven’t mentioned it sooner. I returned to her stressed out again and this time she was saying I love you. I love you sorry.
I think that was the saddest thing ever as she has said sorry when I have to pick her up for appointment, etc. thinking she is interrupting my life and now I think that she is sorry her body has not let her go
Ran up after work and Rosie and Lawrence left
Ray had to go as there’s a lot going on their home as the homestead students are leaving and she needs to be there. I was grateful that Roger brought Ronan and Kael to say goodbye as I had bonded with those boys and they are heading home
I suddenly got a craving and figured the best thing that my stomach could except right now was sushi so I reached out to my friend Brett only to find out that he was in emergency with his daughter Riley, who I love so much as she had some rough house injury and a sore neck and they were worried about her. As it turns out she is OK thank God.
The next reach out was to my friend Monica. She is a counsellor for autistic children. Not only is she a good friend that I work with for children’s festival and many other things she has become a very dear friend over the last few years. I asked if she could pick me up some sushi and although she had other plans tonight, she made it happen afterwards.
The second she walked in and gave me a hug. I started to lose it so not wanting Mom to experience any of that. I just asked her if she could help me get through all this after the fact which she promised, and then she sent me out for a smoke where Jess was and Jess also has become a dear friend and I finally lost it. I sobbed and sobbed, and she helped me and let me talk and was so accepting and so reiterating that she and Monica have me and I will be OK after all of this they will make sure of it.
I came back up, feeling much relieved and sleepy. I enjoyed my food keeping some of it for breakfast because who doesn’t want sushi for breakfast?
I also returned to them having updated the dose on the machine, so I don’t have to worry about pushing her button every 10 minutes or more all night and the lovely nurse Kalee is our person tonight and she has been very thoughtful and very kind
I am going to try to sleep now
triumphgal 