06-26-26 Day 55/10
The night was tough. Mom’s breathing was so rough that I had to ask for earplugs, and I could still hear her, which gave me some comfort.
I had extremely jumpy legs. The nurses even mentioned that every time they came in my legs were jumping because I haven’t had treatment for my ankle. I have had to cancel my Physio, my shots and my mornings in the hot tub. Happy legs were not my friend last night.
When I did fully wake up, Rae was by the other bedside and Greg was in the family lounge attached to her room.
Then Day nurse walked in and it was the one that Mom doesn’t like from when she was in hospital before. I took a big breath and addressed Tatania letting her know that it was very important to me that Mom doesn’t get moved or spoken to too much, etc. and she was very understanding and said to me that who she is in the other rooms is encouraging people so they can get home and who she is here understands, and she was shocked to see how fast the decline was She turned out to be absolutely lovely all day 
I went home to have a shower and change my clothes as it was day three wearing them and while I was gone, Greg headed for home
I have many feels about that, but I am choosing not to lose my brother and my mom at the same time. We clearly deal with things differently.
Rae had to go to work but I knew that Rosie would still come. She showed up with coffee in hand and a while later uncle Lawrence showed up. He has really surprised me as it is very much hurting him to watch his big sister like this, but he sits and holds her hands for hours at a time.
The doctor showed up and it was decided to up her dose of hydromorphone so we didn’t have to keep pushing the button every 10 minutes to double her dose she is now on a 2 mg dose and I am to be careful not to push the button too often as that would be doubling the dose again
I’m sure that there were many things in the day but honestly, it is becoming a blur as I begin my burnout
I went out for a smoke earlier yes I quit smoking October 16 and started again last week if I haven’t mentioned it sooner. I returned to her stressed out again and this time she was saying I love you. I love you sorry.
I think that was the saddest thing ever as she has said sorry when I have to pick her up for appointment, etc. thinking she is interrupting my life and now I think that she is sorry her body has not let her go
Ran up after work and Rosie and Lawrence left
Ray had to go as there’s a lot going on their home as the homestead students are leaving and she needs to be there. I was grateful that Roger brought Ronan and Kael to say goodbye as I had bonded with those boys and they are heading home
I suddenly got a craving and figured the best thing that my stomach could except right now was sushi so I reached out to my friend Brett only to find out that he was in emergency with his daughter Riley, who I love so much as she had some rough house injury and a sore neck and they were worried about her. As it turns out she is OK thank God.
The next reach out was to my friend Monica. She is a counsellor for autistic children. Not only is she a good friend that I work with for children’s festival and many other things she has become a very dear friend over the last few years. I asked if she could pick me up some sushi and although she had other plans tonight, she made it happen afterwards.
The second she walked in and gave me a hug. I started to lose it so not wanting Mom to experience any of that. I just asked her if she could help me get through all this after the fact which she promised, and then she sent me out for a smoke where Jess was and Jess also has become a dear friend and I finally lost it. I sobbed and sobbed, and she helped me and let me talk and was so accepting and so reiterating that she and Monica have me and I will be OK after all of this they will make sure of it.
I came back up, feeling much relieved and sleepy. I enjoyed my food keeping some of it for breakfast because who doesn’t want sushi for breakfast?
I also returned to them having updated the dose on the machine, so I don’t have to worry about pushing her button every 10 minutes or more all night and the lovely nurse Kalee is our person tonight and she has been very thoughtful and very kind
I am going to try to sleep now
triumphgal 