4 days now with stress stomach and anxiety. 4 days of being on the edge of weepy and today outright crying. 4 days of not even attempting to get my steps in….. I wonder what the significance is. WHY? why now, why me, why not, why. I am going through the motions, I doubt many would find it in my tone or my actions. I am fulfilling my obligations and reaching out as well. But it is an act, these actions. I want to lay on my couch and eat junk food and sleep when I feel like it. I don’t want to whinge. I just need a hug. I have become a tad afraid that I am too afraid. How will I know it is ok again. I need to make a mask so I can go out. I need to go sit somewhere and people watch. Even if that means the mall parking lot watching the line up thru Tim Hortons, which I imagine to be constant.
I am still ok in that I am still observant of what is going on around me. Should I stop finding pleasure in the rain or in the sound of my Grandson’s voice then I shall worry.
I started on Season 2 of A Handmaid’s Tale and it really is a horror and yet in a way so much more than a cautionery tale. I watch it and am grateful for this life, even as it is now, it is not THAT. Clearly written by woman, every button is pushed, every unimaginable, that could never happen to me…
I walked tonight, I got my steps in, I ate three meals, only had one drink and I will feel better or hopefully less, tomorrow. And come May I will take my vacation time I had scheduled and putter about my house as I see fit not as is expected of me in the middle of this.
triumphgal 