I wasn’t going to say anything about my postponed vacation time but in the spirit of it’s effect on me…
Through a ridiculous course of timing, I got upset and left a staff meeting as I was feeling the pressure of what I had to accomplish that day back on March 18th. It seemed to be over but apparently I missed the important announcement that no vacation would be allowed until at least the end of May. So when I checked in on Friday to ask if I could shuffle it two days and was informed it was not allowed I was sorely disappointed which of course made me mad. I do work my tush off all year long and feel that I am a strong team player. This… hurt and felt unfair. That being said, it is my job, if I am to continue working there I must live to the expectations.
The problem is that these ‘small’ things chink away at my armor. My mental health hovers over an abyss. It just sounds so F’ing dramatic but it is true. I don’t process disappointment easily and I had a plan of what I was going to do for me during my time off. It has not been easy to concentrate every day on such important things. I think if they had taken my email as oh no she must have missed that info and said hey we appreciate you deserve that time off but we really need you. Could you please take time in June instead and help us out right now as we are struggling? I would have said ‘of course, what do you need?’ Instead my psyche says screw you, I am hurt and you don’t care. Of course none of any of it matters. There are things to get done and I can do them, whether I want to or not… I will. I want to be the person who is completely selfless but I am not.
And there is a brainstorm that occurs in response to a rush of adrenalin. I have had nightmares for two nights. The past comes rushing in, I fear being fired, of not measuring up, of not being a team player. I find myself concentrating so deeply on what I am doing , the day is rushing by. And then I notice a text from my daughter that she has tested negative for Covid-19, do I want a hug? I burst in to tears when she lets me know the 7 or 8 person list of people she has already hugged. I am afraid to say yes. I don’t know why she didn’t come to me first as all the others have people with them. I can’t answer. In the silence she explains how it all went down and I have to understand, have to say no. More disappointment. For the last few days I have been back on my inhalers. Seems that disappointment makes me ill. That is no one elses fault. If I had no expectations I couldn’t be disappointed. That is what they say…
I did have fun doing a Tupperware Zoom party for Danika tonight. I am able to compartmentalize as needed. It’s a gift. A side effect of wearing masks, the invisible kind….
triumphgal 