I think. I cut the cord officially today and am as of July 1st self-employed again. The day started with a lovely client, Stacy dropping off squash plants, lettuce and rhubarb. I moved the pool off the grass to assess what needs to be done and found my spray nozzle under it! After that I got a lot of work done but had a very hard time concentrating due to the pending meeting. I am very patient when I know the date something will eventually happen. I am very Let’s Go! when something spontaneous occurs. I am terrible with pergatory.
I questioned my Dad once why he never taught me to weld like he did my younger brother. I thought it was a guy thing and I think a large part of it was but his response surprised me. He said welding was brutal on the body and if there was anything else he was that good at he would do it. He wanted more for me. Now, I must add that his greatest pride was my kid brother who is, acknowledged by Dad, an even better welder and fabricator than he was. I was to fill another place. Strangely I ended up working with wood, contracted houses and decks and swimming pools. I did always love the concrete and rebar work though, must have been a metal girl at heart.
My Dad’s lesson though was to look after my body, it had to hopefully last a long time. His only made it to 64, I am now 57. I feel the aches and pains of hard physical work but I wouldn’t change a thing. I purposely left the industry I loved and now spend most of my time at a desk and it has been hard to work for someone else after being self employed for so many years. There was actually a time when I was told I was not hireable for that fact. I am grateful to the people who have hired me and proved that to be incorrect.
So for almost a year now I have put myself in pergatory. I have not been happy in the constraints I was in. The problem was I am paid well for what I do. The ultimate cost though has been my health. I have inflammation that is activated by stress likely the result of a concussion but we are still working on finding the root and a solution. Like asthma, I find it hard to breath and can’t figure out why. I started paying more attention and realized that emotional stress seems to be a cause. I am very Type A and if I even remotely perceive that I am letting someone down or not delivering the perfection that is expected I begin to stress, my sleep gets disturbed and my breathing becomes laboured. My body is telling me it is time. Time to make a change.
Covid-19 gave me a gift. I have been wanting this change but no one at the office knew what it could look like. I came home to work, proved I am able to get what needs to be done and then requested this be my gig. As I have already had my own company and clients since 1994 it was an easy transition to full self-employment. I will contract to the firm I worked for as I have no ill will to the clients I work with, and take on my own. I hope to find a regular part time job that pays the mortgage no matter what so that I don’t fall in to my contractor state of mind. I used to work crazy hours as I was always afraid there wouldn’t be a next job. Bookkeeping is different being that it is never actually done… so I should be able to relax a bit once I establish a healthy capacity and get into a rhythm. Mostly I look forward to being able to take breaks, go outside, fill my soul when I need to. I am still a night owl at heart and if I am working noon-9 as long as it gets done, I’m good.
July 1st I will wake up on Canada Day thinking What Have I Done? Or not, I may just celebrate that on June 18th I had a great meeting with two ladies who see the need in their company but also want the best for me so they set me free. I emptied my office and moved home.
triumphgal 