In a mad, mad world, I often wonder why I am where I am. I believe truly that the reason for every movement in my life will come clear eventually.. ok, maybe not some of those late night bar choices, although sometimes I wonder if they remember me fondly..
My day started overwhelmed as the first time I saw a person I started silently weeping or as I call it, leaking. It seems my feelings about my uncle Toni did not completely hit last night. It was human connection this morning that kicked in my grief. This was exacerbated by the fact that there was talk of taking him off life support today. It occured to me that I couldn’t remember the last time I heard him laugh or say my name. I want those memories.
I pushed it all aside and concentrated on work, taking time out to design my sign for the front of the building (exciting!), go to the Theatre to sell some lights, stop at the old firm to drop off a client cheque and listen to someone I don’t know complain about their boyfriend.
My eye was on the prize.. early in the day Diane texted that she booked us pedicures together at one of the higher end spas in town. I couldn’t wait. When I stopped at the office she made me a latté and gave me a hug, both of which I needed. We had talked about having our first pamper session together and I was so happy when she made it so. She would also appreciate what I was working on, that always makes me smile
After work I raced to pick her up and head there. We entered masked up and all the staff was as well. Honestly, I can’t say it was the best pedicure I have ever had but it was satisfying in that I hadn’t had one in so long.
And then there is Diane, a true gift in my life. Funny thing was I knew that when I met her but she didn’t. She had been off for extended periods while I worked at the firm and I was always so disappointed not to stay connected but this year that all changed. Whatever made the difference, I am so crazy grateful. She really is like a sister. They have welcomed me into their family and for the most part I have managed to fight the feeling that I am wearing out my welcome. It is a fault I have, not sure where it’s root lives or I would use Round-Up. I always feel that people are going to get tired of me because they are just being polite inviting me and I say yes. It should be called Imposter Friend Syndrome. IFS is real! I enjoy being a part of their life and worry they will weary of me. Then I pull back and kill the friendship. Fucking patterns are to be broken. I am going to trust that if I am invited, I am welcome. Pretty much going ot assume that I am welcome when her husband orders pizza while we are at the salon and makes sure one doesn’t have peppers which I am allergic to. His assumption that I would come home with her was good. Even if the pizza choices were a happy accident I am going to take it as a win.
I got home and decided to fix the elastic on both Diane and my masks. Hers was just elastic bands and hurt her ears, mine, the elastics are too short. I had gotten a new sewing machine some time ago but not used it yet so I threaded a bobbin, set it all up and tried to make it work but I seem to not have the bobbin threaded in the machine properly and I was getting frustrated as it is still 25 degrees in here so I gave up for tonight. It is supposed to be cooler this weekend and I am planning to set up my tent trailer bed which will be cooler to sleep in as well.
No word tonight, last thing I knew was they were planning to take Uncle T off the machines. I hate dreading my phone ringing. I am sad for my brother, who is close with him, that he is the one to let us know.
triumphgal 