with gratitude to Shawn Mendes:
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my bloodLaying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’tIt isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my bloodI’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m tryna find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could help me?It’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’tIt isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my bloodI need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody nowHelp me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’tIt isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood, oh, oh
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood
There were times I jokingly sang this chorus when I didn’t think I would make a deadline but the reality is that it goes for deeper than that. There was a time back in the 90s when I was suicidal for the last time, Lord willing. I was working at a Hardware store and I looked my manager in the eyes and told him I didn’t think I wanted to be here any more. He recognized what I was saying and took me to the hospital. I was given drugs, counseling and suicide watch until they were convinced I could go home. I followed up with counseling and was told I had the strongest will to live they had seen. No matter what my brainstorm was telling me, it wasn’t in my blood to take my life. I rely on the knowledge of that built in safety, maybe too much. I got my first tattoo after that. I was in my mid 30s and got a winking happy face to remind me whenever I looked in the mirror that things would never be allowed to get that bad again. When I heard this song the first time there was a strong resonance that I couldn’t deny, nor could I ignore the fact that I had all the tools to get through anything. This last week or more tried to kick my tail but this time I didn’t keep my pain to myself, I shared and talked and used the tools I have been taught, and I made it through. Thank you to all of you out there who have followed along. There is something comforting in knowing someone is hearing what I have to say. My pain is in being silenced, my joy is in serving and in being appreciated for what I bring to any situation. Seriously, without that, why bother. A life well lived, a grateful heart, good friends and basic creature comforts is really a lot.
Last night when I left the Campbell’s Sean gave me a book. It was quite the surprise. I appreciate it especially as I have been to Hemmingway’s house in Key West. I hung my first decoration on the tree that is in honour of my grandson’s favourite game, Fortnite.
I had great intention to get a lot done at home today. I did but not as much as hoped because I took opportunity to enjoy relationship when offered. I did get my washer and dryer hooked up properly which I will admit was challenging single handed to put in the new vent and hook up the stacking. I did a happy dance after! I also started stripping the faux brick paneling off to get ready for the new countertops which should be here on Monday. The difference already is making my kitchen look huge and I get two more cupboards that are usually above the fridge and I can’t reach them. I found a few layers of changes from over the years. Can’t wait for my new fridge, stove and dishwasher to get here!!!!
I did laundry that included my masks from the week. Good to have an array.
I am grateful that I was able to take opportunity this morning to stay in bed, drink coffee and watch the last two episodes and the last 4 of Disney Gallery about the Mandalorian. It is very good escapism for me and got me off on the right foot to get more things done today. I went to Culligan to set up a water test and quote on a whole house water softener, took a walk with Rae-Anne and Ashlée to a pop-up Christmas shop where I bought a few items from my favourite local artist, Neen. Met over a glass of wine with Maureen about our volunteer stuff and good conversation followed. All in all a very productive day even if it wasn’t exactly as I imagined yesterday.
triumphgal 