triumphgal

I have begun to think this blog has become more of a grocery list of my daily steps. I probably should go back and read my own story to know for sure. The fact is there are so many things that run through my mind, so many opinions and moments that I am not sure I should share. Honestly, I have become extremely judgy which is the opposite of what I want to be. Most of my life I dealt with the fact I felt judged and not enough and here I am sitting all questioning. When did I become the queen of everything? I want to have deep relationships but don’t seem capable any more. I am good with surface now, even that was gone for a while. It is easier to stay separate and alone ultimately but life is long if we are lucky and there is much left to experience. It’s that imposter syndrome thing.. I am who I am and am pretty sure it’s enough most days but moments overwhelm. It’s a sense of loss that I can’t always put my finger on and at the moment it is probably exacerbated by the whole Covid thing. I have been single in every way for over 4 years now. That is the longest ever. I have had a couple dates, been offered relationship and sex but taken neither. I set the bar high for the first time in my life and now it is over my head. The fear of disappointing someone or being disappointed cripples me. I see happy people in couples around me, watch their ups and downs and routines and wonder if that is still a possibility for me or if I have had my time. I have been blessed with beautiful men in my life, almost every one of them brought something positive with them no matter how it ended. I wonder if I relied too much on my sparkle. Yep, my energy and childlike self in a get er done woman is attractive to a broken person. I finally stopped allowing broken into my life and now I am coming to realize everyone is broken somehow by my age and I may need to be less picky and more accepting.. sigh. I am self counseling right now, bear with me. I must regularly look in the mirror and acknowledge that I am happy alone but would like to have my person. I throw that into the atmosphere, if there a person that could handle my foibles, come get me!!! and I will try to handle yours, I promise.

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