04-27-20 how do you let go?
How do I let go of the overwhelming sense of loss that cripples me this time of year. When my Dad died May the 8th became sad. I was lost in remembery that day of all I had and all I lost. As the years go by I think of him fondly and some days wish he could see me now. In March of 2019 my closest friend and mentor had a brain aneurysm, and on my birthday, Good Friday, that year, I was able to fly down to be with her in ICU. She was able to write some things, communicated with gestures and sounds and even said I love you. I last saw her in December of 2019 in her extended care home in Vancouver. We were still able to communicate with gestures and sounds. She was on the wait list for speech therapy and there was still hope. Leap forward to April 2021 and we have FaceTimed as possible although she hasn’t answered the last few times. I send postcards and notes regularly to let her know I love her but I have such stress trying to keep the chat going now virtually. She is cheery and seems to respond with adamant sounds of positive or negative, stopping on occasion to wipe her drool which shows me she has little control of some things. Her speech has disappeared and I can only assume it is because there was no one to help her in a timely manner. She has COPD and lung cancer and yet breezed through Covid-19. Clearly she is supposed to be here. But why? Is it wrong and selfish to admit it may have been easier if she had succumbed? All I have is memories and today I picked up the phone to ask her a tax question… stupid overtaxed brain of mine, time warped to when she was my rock and I was hers. We were supposed to rock away our old age together! She wasn’t even going to replace her dog Shadow so that we could travel. I am carrying on and have spent so much time in sadness and tears and self pity today but I have to let it out in order to move forward. I think this next step of grief at the real loss of my dear Jackie is necessary. I am thankful for the ones in my life that reached out and helped me through today. (I don’t know how I made it through the fucking board meeting….)
triumphgal 