09-27-21 tough choices all around
It was the usual Monday morning for me, getting chores done and going in later. This morning my guts were unhappy because once again I drank red wine last night with Sean and Diane. I was grateful she sent me home with some spaghetti sauce so I made some shell pasta to take to work and enjoy for lunch. I got to work sometime before 10, settled in to finish entering all my Treasurer business, wrote cheques etc before it was suddenly time to go to the Dr. Today was my appointment with the OB/GYN Dr. Rode. I had been told he had a poor bedside manner but that he was a very good surgeon. I admit to having severe stress stomach in anticipation. He came in and asked me a bunch of history and then told me to get ready to be examined. This is something I haven’t been used to in decades. I found great humour in the phallic symbol painting above the examining table. At one point my paper cover fell off and I said oops, he turned and said “oops, now it’s more like you are on a tanning bed”. He totally made me laugh. Once I got dressed again we had a good long talk as he in great detail explained what a cancerous cyst looks like vs a benign one. He also told me that although he feels it is 98% benign, there is always still a chance. I told him I am in the 2% club, that most of my life that is the percentile I have landed in. He looked me straight in the eye and said that if he got 98% on all his exams in his life he would be very satisfied. We have agreed to wait until January to have another ultrasound. If it has not grown by then I can make up my mind whether or not to go through the extensive surgery necessary to remove it. If it has grown then he will likely decide it should go right away. He went on to tell me all the potential risks. I do appreciate that he didn’t sugar coat it but he also made sure I was aware of all my options. I mentioned I would not have a GP after Dec 3 and he said I would be under his care going forward for this. I did come away very shell shocked as the risk list is long due to my previous history but also relieved in the same breath. I feel heard and cared for! Two things I was prepared not to experience.
Back at the office I enjoyed my lunch and kept working on volunteer books. I reached out to the subs to confirm time frames for getting everything working back at the theatre. Then it was time to celebrate Cindy’s birthday. I saw the cake was plain so I carved her name into it with a fork before she saw it. I will admit the chocolate butter cream icing was delicious.
I purely worked on the books and reports and finally got the budget entered and all reports uploaded for tomorrow nights meeting. I finished reading every one’s reports and then it was well after time to go home…. And I had not earned a single penny today. Sure I told myself, it doesn’t matter, you got lots off your plate. I can’t continue to do that though. Will have to make a plan to change time spent going forward. Tomorrow night we will decide as a board who will fill what positions and I must contemplate if I should continue as Treasurer or just train someone else in this last year of commitment. I got off work planning to meditate on that.
I stopped at Safeway for a few groceries as I am out of liquid for my smoothies in the morning. I picked up 4 litres of Almond milk. It was a good time to start grabbing Halloween Candy. I was stunned to see that there is now extra caffeine Coke! Upon my return to the car I saw there was an email from the Production Manager letting me know they were going a different way than I planned for part of the show. I can honestly say I am angry. I have put so much time and care into the big picture and like two years ago, am feeling undermined. That’s ok, it will be what it is and I will finish my commitment and move on. There are forces at play that conspired once again to make me the bad guy just because I see the big plan and try to do best by everyone. If one person had not dragged their heels for so long by not even responding to me, we would already have all the gear in hand, the training would be done and all would be well. I must keep biting my tongue but I see no reason to take the high road if it means being run over by a pack of hyenas. We shall see what tomorrow brings.
Once I got home I remembered to unload the cute table and chairs that Bill and Deanne don’t need at their house anymore. As I was beginning to make dinner , I called the one person who should understand and have no skin in the game. I explained that my instant reaction was to feel like I was being kissed on the mouth and fucked from behind by the same people. There was a raft of ‘thank you for all you are doing email only yesterday’ and then today these same people are cutting me out of the picture. I was right, he understood and supported me. And then let me know sadder news in his world. He took me right out of my head by helping him make a plan as well.
triumphgal 