triumphgal

12022021 backwards, forwards, upside down

December 2, 2021

Just like me….

I am adrift…

More accurately I am anchored in the darkness that is my true self…

I want this to be a part of the cycle, a passing fancy but I know in my core who I am and all that is not fit for human consumption. I watch myself being left on the outside and am sad but not surprised. I am a bitch. I am self serving. I have a desperate need to have rules and follow them and yet celebrate spontaneity. I care deeply but can’t tolerate in the same breath. I want to be different but seem incapable of being kind when I should be the most.

I hold up a mirror to my soul and see nothing of value. I know I would be missed for the work I do, paid and unpaid. People are out there who will honestly remember me fondly and others who will say the right things in spite of how they really feel.

I know I have positive attributes, I get things done…

I have no more to say at the moment, I haven’t slept properly for too many nights in a row. My body and my brain are working against me. I think it may be time to stop writing this blog as I tire of it being held against me. I tire of being second-guessed at every turn. If I am not fit to do something, then don’t ask me to do it. If snide comments are your style, move along. I deal better with directness. If you can’t tolerate directness, move along.

If I am too much.. or too little for you… move along. Just leave me be, let me do what I am required to, find some joy in all else… or I may just move along.

I put on my masks, I try to look normal. A goal is scored, I make sure I hoot and holler when I find little interest in even being there. I see a person I know across the way and make a pantomime of how big their child is. I be sure to say good morning, make small talk, haha as necessary. I play the game when that is the hardest thing ever for me to do and it drains me even further. That drained meat sack is the person you see and don’t really like. I read it in your actions.

I am considering moving home to work again. I did that better, felt safer and accomplished much, without even needing to get dressed if that was too extra.