12-03-21 murder
I know I make some worry about me and that I need to reassure that I am still here. I will try not to ever leave you hanging. Just know that if I am found dead it will be natural causes or murder. By murder, i mean that even if I were to off myself it would be murder. My desire to be on this planet and not leave any loved ones tormented is stronger than the part of my brain that occasionally sharpens the knives. I analyzed my tools today, as drowning in my brainstorm is not an option. They are weak but not worn out. I did things that on a good day would make me happy. I hung my Christmas wreath, ate my Christmas cookie from England and put on a Holiday station. I did not sink lower, and that is the goal. It was another confusing message day in lots of ways but I chose to focus on the very positive ones. I had encouragement in a kickass kind of way from friends who are allowed to do that. That is what makes us friends after all. The best advice may have been to keep writing the blog. It is cathartic and keeps me connected when all I want to do is hideout. It keeps me accountable. And when I relieve the pressure cooker… it probably keeps me alive. Thank you to those who reached out. I am okay today, tomorrow I will try to be as well.
Rae reached out this morning to let me know some family news and then she spotted me in the grocery store and we made a plan to go have an expensive glass of wine at the Firehall. I came home and made Bacon Pear Melts and Sweet Potato soup (the apple was substituted with pear) which reminded me how much I enjoy making, and eating, soup. Our visit was good, I was able to download, as she was and I think we both feel better for it. The wine and the dessert was delicious. We even did a puzzle!
I have to calm my brain. My left calf has electrical shocks running up it and my esophagus is swollen. That has to be stress, at least I don’t have to set an alarm for the morning.
triumphgal 