triumphgal

December 12, 2021

I awoke to a message from Danika that she had given birth to Gwen at 2:27 am. 9 lbs 3 oz! That was a well cooked baby and she is adorable. I don’t think that about all babies but she meets all the criteria. She also sent me an adorable video of Emmy singing to Gwen. She says she loves her like a pickle and that all the love is why she is there. She can’t stop talking about how little hair she has but that it is so soft. It leaves me slightly conflicted as it is not my actual granddaughter but she is the sister of my Emmy. So I shall consider her a bonus grand child. Rae and I had a discussion how little bloodlines actually matter in who we consider family. Some of the ones closest to us are the Kimberley bunch and they are all my stepmom’s family. You’d be hard pressed to convince me that they matter less because we don’t share DNA.

I was blessed to have Will be dropped off by Roger. We shoveled snow which was still falling, took out the garbage and recycle and then went to pick up Emmy from her other grandparents. First stop was Safeway to pick up milk and food for the kiddlets. Then we were home after a hilarious drive when Emmy pointed out how how every one answers ‘I know, right’. We laughed and decided to answer that to everything which led to many giggles as for most parts of conversations, that answer works.

The afternoon was full of fun food, fun movies and good giggles. The two of them get along well and Will played Wii with her without seeming to get distressed at her lack of ability and we were both stunned when she knocked him out twice in boxing. She was so excited!

The weather has been crazy today; snow, strong wind, rain and more of the same. It did hold off perfectly for the Santa parade though. We thought we were going to need an umbrella but the rain stopped in time. I was grateful Rae had told me the church was going to meet in front of Nutters as we found our posse there and Rae and the rest of the family found us. Emmy and Sawyer were adorable calling out to the passing floats Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Have a Happy New Year too! At 4 and 6, they really are great little humans who care. I look forward to seeing the mark they leave on this planet. I guess I had better stick around to see it.

The parade was short and there wasn’t as big of a turnout. I don’t know why. We enjoyed it as it was mostly contractors with decorated equipment. The GroundFloor truck was packed and the tree showed well. If only the signs had been bigger as you couldn’t tell who they were.

I let the kids climb the plowed hill in a parking lot as it was the first time they could this year. Emmy was determined to climb on her own and was happy to slide down on her butt. We came home and made dinner which Emmy devoured as it was tortellini and roasted cauliflower. She was disappointed there wasn’t more vegetables as they are her favourite. That is nice to see and a credit to Danika. She has never been the nuggets and fries Mom. I don’t mean to judge those who are. I am just proud that for generations, our family are good eaters. And dessert involved most fruit that I don’t like and Will chowed down on that… cantaloupe, watermelon, pineapple, honeydew and the usual strawberries and blueberries.

While they had individual baths I put the train around my tree. It is the only decoration at the moment and the kids loved it. Once I get it all decorated, I will take video. They finished their desserts, and then easily went to bed. I read them the book Emmy picked, put on a bedtime story podcast and the aurora Borealis and they fell asleep pretty fast, toe to toe in the same bed, just the way I used to with my cousins, in the 70’s. The 3 quilts piled on them (requested by Will) were all made by my great grandmother Houghtaling. I am overwhelmed that 5 generations ago a woman hand sewed these and they are still in use. I only dream that I may leave that kind of legacy.

For some reason Missy likes to drink out of the fish bowl. She has a constant feed water dish. I heard her jump on the counter behind me and grabbed my phone. She immediately moved to the corner and acted all nonchalant, nothing to see here, folks.

I have had a great day and yet I am struggling to breath deep. This too shall pass.

December 10, 2021

I have enjoyed sporting my lanyard repping my team. The Ducks are doing well for the first time in a long time. That Trevor Zegras assist was the best thing I have seen in a long time. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it, google for a treat.

I decided I may want to record the reading of a Christmas bedtime story for the theatre so looked up books on Amazon. I nearly spit out my coffee when I saw ‘Hookers and Blow save Christmas’. Of course I had to order it!

The Groundfloor is having a ‘float’ in the Santa Parade tomorrow and Nikki was tasked to put together the balloon tree. She recruited Sean to help her and it was not going well. I finally decided I was done bookkeeping for a Friday and offered to help her. We ended up making a Grinch tree and it may have not been all her boss, Cindy hoped for but I think it is cute.

I came home, tied down my Darth inflatable who kept trying to escape, poured myself a bevie and settled in to puzzle. I am determined to finish it before Will and Emmy come tomorrow. Danika messaged that they are going to break her water tomorrow. That seems unusual for a second child but I am sure she is anxious to get things moving and Malcolm has to go back to work soon. The baby will probably come as there is supposed to be a dump of snow.

I received a parcel from my cousin Debbi in the mail today. It is nice to have a gift under the tree for me as they are all for the grandkids. She is my sister cousin and I do love that she thinks of me.

I am feeling upward momentum in my head, hallelujah.

I have so enjoyed my advent Christmas card from the UK Besties.

December 9, 2021

Drag out of bed again morning, still managing every day to get on the treadmill though. I find when I am at my lowest it is the most important to stick to routine. I walk, I make my bed, I put on lipstick. Lipstick doesn’t run when you cry so no mascara but definitely lipstick. I wore my contacts and they are my past prescription so usable but not perfect. They took too long to get here to wait for replacements. I am still waiting to decide if I look older without my glasses.

I got my usual email to check in on my credit rating and the link lead me to a page that simply said “no healthy upstream” . Should I be worried? I know I am overextended right now as that is what I do when I am depressed. I bought a new vehicle, renovated, etc, etc, etc. But I am sure my upstream is fine, lol.

I left at a decent time tonight so I could make and have dinner before going to Shield Women class. I missed the last two weeks due to the burn on my arm and my mental health. I know if I don’t go I will not go.. and I really do enjoy it. When I got home my inflatables had taken a beating from the wind. I let Missy out and she seemed quite stressed by it. She wouldn’t leave them until I got them up and running again. I think she knows they make me happy and has an attachment. I also remembered that I had bought a special one on the Facebook Marketplace and set him up.

Dinner was pretty delicious, I just left out the chili pepper flakes.

MMA was worth going to tonight. The women there are really welcoming and Guru Joel is so kind and encouraging. I was having trouble swallowing all day and exerting myself really stressed my breathing. I still did as much as I could and seriously punched harder than I have, taking out my energy on the bag and my opponent. Knife work is always great, I have to work hard to coordinate my movements. I honestly just don’t like the frozen tag we play at the end. I know he wants us to end with fun but I do not find it fun. Maybe it will grow on me.

I stopped at the liquor store to pick up some vanilla crown and it came with a sweet bag. I think I know who I will gift that to. While sipping crown, I wrapped Christmas presents. I went all out last Christmas and this year kept it reasonable and personable as always. I am only gifting family this year and that is hard for me but it is the right thing to do.

Tomorrow night I will decorate my tree as I get the gift of Will and Emmy overnight Saturday!

December 8, 2021

Things are starting to crack through. I am still finding it near impossible to feel awake but I smile more easily now. The Christmas lights are popping up all over town and they bring me joy. My office is pretty and that brings me joy. My photobook of the Santa Barbara trip in 2017 arrived bringing much joy. I especially like the t-shirt Craig is wearing in the family picture I took. Putting that picture on it in the book was definitely an lol moment. I made dinner for Rae-Anne and we went to see Ghostbusters Afterlife. It was intense and I enjoyed many parts of it. The mini staypufts were the best! I giggled. I don’t know how they can afford to keep putting on movies. There were about 8 people in the theatre. It is likely that they save money on heat. I will bring a blanket next time!

December 7, 2021

I could not open my eyes when my alarm went off. I snoozed for half an hour and then did my usual routines so I didn’t get to work until after 9. I have to give myself some slack. What is the point of being self employed if I can’t go in late once in a while?

I got things done but kept knocking time off as I felt I was in slow motion. I several times got the head bobs happening. I did get a lot off the list though. I was also glad I stayed at the office until the pre AGM meeting and AGM for FPPAS. I think there are a lot of loose ends and a board member who won’t let go of the reins even where necessary. I do appreciate the other woman on the board and that we commiserate, lol. I got home and intended to make a Hello Fresh meal but it was 8 and I decided salad and garlic bread was good enough. I will cook for Rae and I tomorrow night as we are going to Ghostbusters at the theatre. I finally used last years Christmas present from Danika, Emmy and Malcolm and it was delicious with the wee bottle I had.

I am sooo tired, off to bed I go. Be well small world, sweet dreams.

December 6, 2021

I finished a payroll, got my nails done, met cousin Donna for lunch at East Side Mario’s, did a bunch more book work and then picked up a cake for Judy’s birthday. I had to put her name on it myself and it seems Safeway sells very little in the way of cake decorating now. Roger picked his mom up from the senior’s residence, then grabbed Chinese food for 13 of us immediate family. In the meantime oldest grandson Gene fell getting out of the shower and hurt his foot so his aunt Ashlée took him to the hospital. Seems it is bruised, not broken, thankfully. All in all a noisy, busy evening until the kids headed to bed and Rae and I had a cup of tea together. I was lucky to have gotten the appointment for my nails as I had damaged one and when I called on Thursday, this was the earliest time available with my favourite guy. He is always so gentle and I was very relaxed when I left there. It was also lovely to catch up with Donna, although there is much concern for her Mom. Ollie. I must make a point to see her soon.

Today is my Anniversary… a year ago I got my cat, Missy. Yes that is the fact of my life….

December 5, 2021

When I have unresolved issues with anyone, my entire being aches. A good friend has a birthday coming up and recently we had a blow up. It was a sibling style insanity that needed to be put behind us. I invited her for dinner and to watch Part 2 of Get Back. We had a good cry, hug and great visit. The show is slow and long but still an Interesting look at writers genius at work.

Earlier in the day I dug out my decorations and put up the tree. That is as far as I got before taking a wonderful long bath and watching the finale of Dear White People. I wish someone I knew watched it too so we could talk about it.

I did get a lot done on my puzzle as well as chores. Baby steps to better.

December 5, 2021

I fulfilled my obligations today, outside the house. I only cried three times, outside the house. I chitchatted with strangers, outside the house. I faked a smile, outside the house.

I had an honest conversation fraught with strong emotions, outside the house. I had a meaningful conversation with a friend in passing, outside the house.

From inside my cocoon, I invited a friend over tomorrow to celebrate her birthday, i got rid of the grey. I let another friend vent via text, I made food and tried to eat it. Looks like lunch is leftovers tomorrow. I pieced away at my puzzle and tried not to think about the show or work.

I took pleasure in the beauty of the snow and the return of Dexter

Depression takes on a physicality in me that I have been trying to ignore for weeks. The overwhelming tiredness, walking through sand feeling, the insomnia and the swelling of my throat. The sadness literally chokes me. My higher brain screams, SNAP OUT OF IT. My lower one is not ready to yet.

December 4, 2021

I know I make some worry about me and that I need to reassure that I am still here. I will try not to ever leave you hanging. Just know that if I am found dead it will be natural causes or murder. By murder, i mean that even if I were to off myself it would be murder. My desire to be on this planet and not leave any loved ones tormented is stronger than the part of my brain that occasionally sharpens the knives. I analyzed my tools today, as drowning in my brainstorm is not an option. They are weak but not worn out. I did things that on a good day would make me happy. I hung my Christmas wreath, ate my Christmas cookie from England and put on a Holiday station. I did not sink lower, and that is the goal. It was another confusing message day in lots of ways but I chose to focus on the very positive ones. I had encouragement in a kickass kind of way from friends who are allowed to do that. That is what makes us friends after all. The best advice may have been to keep writing the blog. It is cathartic and keeps me connected when all I want to do is hideout. It keeps me accountable. And when I relieve the pressure cooker… it probably keeps me alive. Thank you to those who reached out. I am okay today, tomorrow I will try to be as well.

Rae reached out this morning to let me know some family news and then she spotted me in the grocery store and we made a plan to go have an expensive glass of wine at the Firehall. I came home and made Bacon Pear Melts and Sweet Potato soup (the apple was substituted with pear) which reminded me how much I enjoy making, and eating, soup. Our visit was good, I was able to download, as she was and I think we both feel better for it. The wine and the dessert was delicious. We even did a puzzle!

I have to calm my brain. My left calf has electrical shocks running up it and my esophagus is swollen. That has to be stress, at least I don’t have to set an alarm for the morning.

December 2, 2021

Just like me….

I am adrift…

More accurately I am anchored in the darkness that is my true self…

I want this to be a part of the cycle, a passing fancy but I know in my core who I am and all that is not fit for human consumption. I watch myself being left on the outside and am sad but not surprised. I am a bitch. I am self serving. I have a desperate need to have rules and follow them and yet celebrate spontaneity. I care deeply but can’t tolerate in the same breath. I want to be different but seem incapable of being kind when I should be the most.

I hold up a mirror to my soul and see nothing of value. I know I would be missed for the work I do, paid and unpaid. People are out there who will honestly remember me fondly and others who will say the right things in spite of how they really feel.

I know I have positive attributes, I get things done…

I have no more to say at the moment, I haven’t slept properly for too many nights in a row. My body and my brain are working against me. I think it may be time to stop writing this blog as I tire of it being held against me. I tire of being second-guessed at every turn. If I am not fit to do something, then don’t ask me to do it. If snide comments are your style, move along. I deal better with directness. If you can’t tolerate directness, move along.

If I am too much.. or too little for you… move along. Just leave me be, let me do what I am required to, find some joy in all else… or I may just move along.

I put on my masks, I try to look normal. A goal is scored, I make sure I hoot and holler when I find little interest in even being there. I see a person I know across the way and make a pantomime of how big their child is. I be sure to say good morning, make small talk, haha as necessary. I play the game when that is the hardest thing ever for me to do and it drains me even further. That drained meat sack is the person you see and don’t really like. I read it in your actions.

I am considering moving home to work again. I did that better, felt safer and accomplished much, without even needing to get dressed if that was too extra.

December 1, 2021

The last month of the year makes me reminisce and plan and be hopeful. I begin to think of the things I love and what I want more of in my life. I have been working on my photo books so of course it has me dreaming of travelling again, of meeting strangers who will become friends, of revisiting friends who once were strangers. I know I need to make a strategic plan to bring down my overhead and start prepping for travel again. I suppose a must see list would also be good. There are two things I would like to spend long days experiencing, the Louvre and the Smithsonian. I have seen the outside of both, I hope to explore both someday.

I wonder if I will want to travel alone or find a pack? I always wanted a partner to travel with. I believe I had one, we let each other go.. now I will find the me that is just good to go. I am good making acquaintances wherever I go but I love having memories, history to share with another. That is why the ABC group has been such a gift in my life. We share memories, they pretty much accept me for who I am in their world and that is a blessing. We are all very different and yet they are family that I choose.

That is the gift of travel, of being brave and open and trusting the experiences that are out there. I want more…

I am also very grateful to the cast and crew of the play, that they are hearing my concerns about putting on a show in a pandemic, and doing it with care and masks and distancing. Though they are young and basically fearless, they are also respectful and kind.

I did go to the hockey game and although we were beaten by the Trail Smokeaters, we made a valiant effort. Their goalie took 49 shots on goal and only let 4 in! Had a nice visit with Ashlée and Deanne as well. The girl who sang the National anthem was only 12, very brave. There was also a 14 year old figure skater in the first break which was unusual and lovely.

I also received an email from the photobook people and they have credited me for two books because of the mixup yesterday. These have to be done in the next two weeks but I will make that happen. I appreciate that they did that. It was more than I hoped for.