I woke up just after 6 this morning and began sobbing as I had been trying to decide in my near waking who should be with me to find out the results. I think my eldest has a lot on her plate and I don’t want to tip her over the edge, my middle is so much like me and she would be the best for remembering everything said but also I would worry about the emotional toll. I was left feeling like I should just be alone, ask if I can record the conversation and process it. After all the sobbing I reached out to my besties in England and they were so full of love and support that I was able to let it go for now. I took the advice of my friend Mark to watch happy shows. I poured a bath and tossed in the cannabis and lavender bath bomb I was gifted. I soaked in luxury and watched 5.5 episodes of The Book of Boba Fett which I had forgotten existed. I loved it and it made me happy to soak and enjoy it. I showered and readied to go to my spa appointment and then watched the last episode and a half while I ate. I really really enjoyed it and was in a calm and good spirit when I went for my appointment with Ireland to have my brows waxed and a manicure. We chatted just the right amount and that young lady helped me make a plan. I got deep blue nails that I love and will go back on the Saturday before the surgery to have them changed out to a special clear polish with nutrients to help them be healthy and which can be seen though by the doctors. She will do the same to my toes then as well and I will be good to go for a while. When I went to leave she had a bouquet of flowers, a beautiful note and a roller of stress relieving oil. Such a touching and generous gift from a gal in her 20s, she shall be mine forever. I stopped in at the office after to take care of some MusicFest business and then came home to start my biggest puzzle project ever. It is 32×45 and has all my Marvel Heroes in it. I figure now is the time if ever to do it. Joyful and time consuming. These next 19 days are going to continue to be a rollercoaster of emotions, this I know. Rae called me after work and I ran it past her about my asking someone to be there. She said I was doing the usual, trying to care for the one who will have to hear if it is bad news instead of just focusing on me and said she will be there if I want her to be. I am going to let it go now and just make the decision when the time comes. I am currently flipping hourly between wanting to hide under a rock and feeling alone. This medium is good for me though, I get to express it and let it go before heading to bed.
I am currently watching West Side Story, recent version and I can only say that the dancing is amazing but I am not sure I am the biggest fan. My favourite musical will always be Come From Away. I was blessed to see it, with three of my favourite people, in London having just arrived from Newfoundland. There is no way to top that!!
I have now started making lists in my head of the things I need to accomplish. First is to build my cat entrance so Missy can come and go while I am not here. I would like to have help. I am hoping Roger will have some time to assist. It will make me feel better about Missy being left alone while I am in hospital. Even if she is afraid to come near when someone is here to feed her and gets out, she will have a way to safely get back in. She will be stressed when I am not here.
It was windy! Hasn’t blown off all winterI love this pic hanging in the Prestige Hotel
After a long, only somewhat fitful sleep I began to feel human again today. I was supported with all love from many and managed to get a lot of work done in spite of my inability to multitask. I am afraid I was a bit stern with my Mom. I know she is sitting home alone, too many miles away worrying but she calls during the day and brings it all up, giving examples of people who had things removed that weren’t Cancer. It reminded me of being pregnant and everyone wanting to tell their horror stories. I admit to wanting to just put my head in the sand and not talk about it anymore. On the other hand, being able to talk about it makes the headaches go away. I had spoken with my client who owns two Cannabis stores yesterday and today with my permission she had her most knowledgeable employee call me to ask some questions and make a suggestion as to a product that would help me sleep. I paid with a card and then another employee came from Kimberley and dropped off the capsules at my work. How wonderful they all are. I have taken one now and will see if it helps tonight. I just got back from the hockey game which we won 6-3 and I am glad I made myself go. It was weird to see so many faces again but there were still quite a few of us wearing masks and as we passed each other there was eye contact and a nod. I have to stay well so I will wear one for the rest of the month.
My better mood disappeared and I was overwhelmed when I got home from work and I finally took the time to read the paperwork from the Surgeon about what the proposed treatment would be. Laparoscopic Bilateral Salpingo-oophorectomies + omentectomy. The latter was the part that put fear into me. It is a procedure necessary for Ovarian Cancer because of the possible rapid spread. Those were real and hard words to read. The last line of his treatment plan says ‘If cancer is diagnosed you may need further surgery in Vancouver and/or need chemo/radiation’. I am a person who does need to know everything so I can prepare myself, but.. that is a lot to take in when you see it in print. I am fully aware that this will also be hard to read for those who know and love me but there is no point holding back now. When I picked up my mail tonight there was a lovely uplifting card from a client who does not know this is happening. She just wanted to make my day and all over the back of the envelope were encouraging sayings and funny thoughts. I called her to thank her about the Serendipity of it all. She said it gave her goosebumps and made her day to know she made mine.
I will keep holding on to the thought that this is NOT how my story ends.
Today was like walking through mud. I didn’t sleep well, and I was up earlier than usual to be at the lab for when it opened at 7:30 to wait for my necessary ASAP bloodwork. I came away just short of an hour later with a wristband to wear until the surgery as my blood was typed and it will be brought in from the Calgary blood bank as far as I know. i have a C-antigen from a blood transfusion in the ‘80s and it has to be the same for surgery. I received a call to book the a anesthesiologist to call me a week before and the date is set for the 31st. I had some serious conversations with a few people who need to know, to ensure they will have coverage for payroll before the date and I have one more to talk to tomorrow. I made a strong man cry and my heart was filled with love from all directions. I had to notify the Board at the theatre that I am stepping away from the Tech Director position and that was hard. It is the best choice for all involved at this point. I was so tired all day and got what I had to done, coming home early hoping for a nap. That is not something my body would give in to so I just rested until Rae -Anne picked me up to go for dinner at The Firehall. I had way too many calories of a delicious dinner, a shared dessert and an expensive glass of wine. Hopefully it didn’t undo the good news that I am down 25.5 pounds as of today. I enjoyed our talk but am done in. It is only 8:49 and I am ready for bed so I will take the lead of my body and go. It was all too much to process and this is only the beginning. Once this shock has completely worn off I shall begin the positive affirmation journey I deserve. Stand by for more shmaltz in the future. For tonight, adieu.
Today was so productive, the sun was shining, most things were right with the world…
At 2:30 I got a call from the Surgeon/Gynecologist who I was referred to for the ‘simple cyst’ found in my abdomen when I was in the hospital over the New year of 2020-21. I had seen him in September of 2021 and he reviewed the most recent ultrasound to assure me that he was adamantly sure it was not Cancer (the only time he mentioned that word and the markers he would look for) but to reassure me, we should do another ultrasound in January and see if I would like to have it removed or just have a test once a year to monitor it. I put it out of my head at that time. January and February were very busy for me and I didn’t even note that I hadn’t received a call from Radiology. Last Thursday I left a message and on Monday had the Ultrasound. Today at 2:38pm I received a call from Dr. Rode telling me it had to come out and I would be booked on March 28th or 31st. I lost track of how many times he said the word Cancer. It was surreal. He gave me the run down of what will happen, best case scenario, and all the worst ones. That story ends with me going to Vancouver. I was in shock, went to his office to sign all the paperwork and pick up the requisition for blood work as I have a C-antibody that makes me have to give my own blood or have it specifically brought from the blood bank and he was concerned about it getting done n time. I will go tomorrow morning to the lab and wait until I get in. I drove around, pulled over and called my son and my Mom, then stopped in at Ashlée’s where she recorded the conversation to share with Rae-Anne as she was still at work. I then went for a drive, calling a friend whom I had promised to keep apprised and showed up for my volunteer stint at Key City Theatre. The volunteer manager was so kind and after a night of bar tending and making happy chit chat, she let me leave before all the clean up as the shock had worn off and I needed to get home. I stopped at the liquor store and bought an expensive bottle of Scotch, pouring only two fingers when I got home. I talked to a few other people, sent messages that needed to be sent and then FaceTimed my dear friend who constantly reminded me to breathe and made me laugh. Tonight I am exhausted from the shock, angry at the casual attitude over a year ago to a simple cyst and am trying not to be terrified. I need positive energy, this stowaway needs to go. Or maybe I should call it my Dark Passenger (I do love Dexter). For now I will be grateful it was found and try to relieve stress in my life to focus on all things healing and wonderful. All thoughts and prayers gratefully accepted.
It was so peaceful today. I finished a couple year ends and more. Part way through the morning I got a call from the people I got my CPAP machine from saying the call later would be later than they thought. It was not on my radar at all so it wasn’t a problem. Later in the afternoon when the tech called he said that he had instructions from my sleep clinic night in July to adjust my machine!!! Good thing it wasn’t life or death but he had to log in and fix my pressure levels and I was given instructions to adjust the temperature and humidity when I got home. It is supposed to help with the nasal drip in the mornings. Seriously, over 7 months to deal with it.. sigh. He did second what the Dr said, that my apnea is very severe and not to go without the machine. He also said the ozone cleaning machine I have hooked up could damage the interior of my machine and I should not use it. They don’t even sell them at their business. Dang you, William Shatner, I believed you and bought one.
I cooked a couple Beyond Meat burgers last night and had one for lunch in a Romaine lettuce leaf. It was delicious!!! Too bad there are so many chemicals in them.
Once again I woke up to a fair amount of snow that was gone by the time I got home. I took the evening to finish off my Diamond Point picture that Rae had given me. I really like it. Next I will start my big Marvel puzzle. I will have to clear the whole table.
Happy International Women’s Day to all the women, everywhere, especially those in all the war torn areas and refugee camps. I am sending my love, it’s all I have.
I did a few chores and headed to the office. It’s another beautiful day. Took care of a few payroll, and was scheduled for a client in office at 3 when I got a call from the hospital to say they had an ultrasound appointment available at 3:30. There was no way I was going to miss it so I rescheduled the client and made sure I was there. It is a most uncomfortable experience having an internal and external ultrasound. The tech wouldn’t tell me anything, so now I wait to see if the mass in my abdomen has grown since it was discovered in January 2021. I intend to have it out. The only difference will be if it has to happen right away or can be scheduled later. It has to be soon enough to heal before MusicFest in July or not until after that. I had compartmentalized my worry over it and now it has moved to the forefront again. I stopped at the market instead of the liquor store and picked up a calorie free non-alcoholic gin and calorie free tonic. Sometimes the mind just needs the idea of having a drink after stress. It turns out it is just as delicious as the rum by the same company.
I slept in after a very late night. Went for a walk with my Neighbour Tracey in the gorgeous sunshine, sorted my bottles and recycles, and puttered about. I dropped off everything and then went to the office for a while to ready my reports for the FPPAS AGM and update my spreadsheet for MusicFest. I like getting those things done uninterrupted. Afterwards I wandered Safeway to gather provisions for the next while. It was so peaceful there and the check out lady was lovely. I purchased some pretty flowers for myself in honour of International Women’s Day on Tuesday. There was a deal on three types and I chose my faves out of those available; Freesias, Shasta Daisies and striped Carnations. I didn’t get home until nearly 8 and made Panko Crusted Cod as I had already thawed it out. I served it up with a side of sliced cucumbers and it was so very delicious. I am really happy with my progress with Noom and have solidly lost 24 pounds in two months now. I have so much more energy and no problems with breathing. Today I didn’t even tak my pill to help with heartburn. The only think I am experiencing again is the ‘brain slosh’ which is unnerving. I may go to physio again to see if he can do the ‘maneuver’ once more in case my crystals are out of place in my ear. I hope that is all it is. I feel like things are falling back into place in my universe.
Good-byes come in many forms, each takes a different kind of processing. today encompassed three types for me.
I had set my alarm for 9 to be ready for our regularly scheduled Zoom meeting with the ABC crew and rolled awake at 9:38 in time to brush my teeth, throw on something presentable, make a coffee and sign in. It happened that Carol-Ann and I were the first two on and I took opportunity to ask one question about her daughter’s death. ‘Accidental or intentional?’ I was gobsmacked by her reply…. Murdered. I was glad I asked because she was able to share the story with the group of us as they joined in and it allowed her to talk freely about the situation that is still under investigation. It turns out Ciara was the one in the news that I had seen but not known. I won’t speak of all the details but it was in the news that her body was found in her car. This was so shocking and explained so much as she was actually doing so well in life and it didn’t make sense that anything had happened of her own doing. The group was so supportive and I am glad we were there for her to share and be cared for.
The next on my list was to FaceTime with my Jackie as it was her birthday. As always I had to do the talking and it is so clear in her responses that she understands completely and happily communicates with her facial expressions and sounds. I so miss her words and am grateful for the ability to connect and laugh and sometimes cry together. I miss the friend I knew but love the one I still have.
Early in the day a friend reached out to see if I wanted to go for dinner and I was really looking forward to it as he will be leaving town soon. It was a wonderful visit that began at 5:45 when I met him at the Heidout and just ended with me arriving home just before 1 am. I haven’t had a great night out and visit like that in literally years. We talked and talked, laughed and ate and then went to see a movie with another friend of his. (The Batman was longggggg and dark and neither of us loved it). I will miss him when he leaves even though we haven’t stayed besties. Deep connections don’t have to happen every day to make a friendship real and this was real. I hope to visit him wherever he ends up in the world.
The best part of today was basically ignoring email and just staying in the moment, feeling everything as it came along and processing the different losses, being grateful for knowing Ciara, Jackie and Varghese. They are all good people and I am thankful to (have) had them in my life. Saudades
I also took time to strip my bed and after the sheets were washed, hang them on the line. From a snowy day yesterday to laundry on the line today… Springtime is nigh. I probably should have brought them in before I left for dinner as they may be covered in snow again when I awake, but they will be fresh!
Started the morning with fresh wet snow and my own banking to take care of. As usual February ends and something of mine has fallen by the wayside. Fortunately I took a call and made a payment that was missed without any penalty. The first couple hours at work was a phone consult with clients in Kimberley. They are lovely humans and need reports from me to apply for their permanent residency status. Next I was picked up by Stacey to go for lunch at the Firehall. It is burger month to raise money for the Foundry at about 10 restaurants in town. This was the one that looked the best to me and I was happy to spend the calories. It was called the Duchess of Dinktown and was downright delicious. Burgers are not my go to but I discovered that I LOVE dill infused cream cheese. Had a great visit with Stacey as well! Next was back to the office to meet briefly with the president of the CCT Board and then head to Arby’s for a photo op receiving their donation to Summer Sounds that FPPAS puts on. I got back to the office and made all the payments for a client before the staff is away next week for training. Then around 5 I shut off the timers and started working on MusicFest stuff finally. I entered 94 people in as proper contacts to my Gmail and then individually invited them to be part of the crew this year with the explanation of the protocols. I have changed my email so wanted to do it individually in order to avoid group email going to junk folder. I am late to the party as I was supposed to have it done at the beginning of February but… well, February. As it happens, the positive responses have been rolling in. I can’t wait to see the usual suspects and meet some new partners and friends of regulars who wish to be involved as well. I need 69 people to fill out my crew and hope that won’t be hard to fill. It may be a challenge for me to recognize everyone but I am starting to get excited. I got home after 9 sometime and have been relaxing and basking in a day well spent. I look forward to tomorrow’s ABC Zoom meeting.
It is difficult not to put my head in the sand these days, was odd to be at a hockey game, knowing what is happening in Ukraine. Just as I was pulling in to pick up Ash to go to the game, I heard on the news that the Russians had bombed a Nuclear plant and were shooting at firefighters trying to put out or control the fire. The person talking said that if the plant blew up it would be 10 times worse than Chernobyl. That is a terrifying bit of information. I am not going to check the news tonight, I want to sleep in my peaceful corner of the world and pray for it all to be over before that happens.
I received a text from my oldest cousin, Dale, that he was making dinner and listening to the Joshua Tree, my favourite album and that he was thinking of me. He had asked his Mom what was the next generation up that lived in Ukraine but she didn’t know. I do need to work on that side of the family tree more. It is hard as my grandparents were John and Anne, two common names. It has been very surprising how many people I know that have ancestors from that area. Canada has a large Ukrainian population.
The game went into sudden death overtime against the Salmon Arm Silverbacks and we won which was a nice ending to the evening. We came out to snow showers, sigh. The family trip to Drumheller is booked for hotels now and I look forward to the May Long Weekend to get away with them all.
I really enjoyed my day, crossing off more of the list that was left from last month was very satisfying. I went from the office to the Volunteer Update meeting at Key City Theatre. It is one of the great pleasures I have, engaging with the other volunteers and contributing to the success of that venue. I often get to sit in for part or all of the show being staged as well. Tonight was the ‘hey we are back at it!’ Night where we were told of the changes and updates to the theatre. We were the first group to enjoy a glass of wine in the theatre proper as there is now a liquor license that is all encompassing. After that we had a fire drill and that was good to know the new procedures as well. It was nice to see familiar and new faces out. There was cake afterwards, thankfully vanilla, so easy to turn down, lol.
On my way to the theatre I listened to a segment on CBC about a woman who is going to spend upwards of 50 thousand dollars to clone the cat she’d had for 10 months before it was hit by a car. I do not understand the need to do this but as she said, it is her disposable income that she can spend any way she likes. Each to their own.
All of this trauma going on in the world, especially that being caused by Russia, has had me continuing in my search for ‘the other side’ of my family. To recap…I spent my whole life identifying with the French Canadian portion. My Grandad, Ernie Bellavance was a man with an amazing memory and from early on I sat at his side and listened to stories of his youth in and around Radville, Saskatchewan. He was proud of his roots and would bring us yearly to the Radville reunion, usually held in Queen’s Park in New Westminster. He would speak in poetry and French, singing ditties. All of these moments and my name, led me to relate completely to the French Canadian identity only. I grew up in a very multicultural neighbourhood before that was even a phrase. Everyone seemed to have a cultural history and I wanted one as well. Due to the tragedy of my mother and sisters deaths when I was only 3 months old and my young father’s capacity to survive in spite of the trauma, I was never really connected with my Mother’s family. Over the years I found a clipping that my Dad’s Mom, Juanita was a Houghtaling of German decent and that my birth Mom’s family was Polish/Ukrainian. The problem with identifying as any of those things was that kids are cruel. I was often asked if I had a frog in my pocket for ID, there was no way I was going to admit to the other side as the ‘Pollack’ jokes were numerous. I was always curious about that part of the world though. I was given a bunch of paperwork including a copy of my mother’s death certificate which said she was Romanian. Right part of the world but nothing I had heard before. I do find it interesting though as I use Gypsy Fortune Telling cards, had to have them when I saw them. I know it’s new age bunk in many people’s minds but I find solace in them. The abundance of opportunities to have DNA tested led me on a hunt for more connection in the world. I was not disappointed. It seems I am mostly a solid mix of East and West Europe. French and German on one side, Polish and Ukrainian on the other with a sprinkle of the British Isles, Mediterranean and Indigenous thrown in. Funny thing is none of this comes as a huge surprise… I had a number one desire to see Peru (done), next was London and Paris (done, but want to go back), after that, the Mediterranean and Black sea countries, especially Ukraine. I also relate well to Aboriginal Peoples. I was curious to look up the names in my family history and did so on Forebears website. It’s quite fascinating how my mother’s maiden name is predominantly in Ukraine, my Dad’s side is in the US and Canada.
I still want to visit that area, I have hope that the superpowers will end this war before the destruction of much more. Word on the radio today was that Poland has already taken in more than 600,000 refugees. It is heartbreaking watching fathers say goodbye to their children as they go off to serve.
There must be an end to this. I mean this, not in a selfish, I want to tick this off the list but in a stop the insanity kind of way.
triumphgal 