triumphgal

October 31, 2022

Depression is weird. It isn’t always wild mood swings. For me it can often be just being stuck in the middle, devoid of any depth of feeling. I feel that is where I am. Don’t get me wrong, moments can still move me but mostly it is a wash, rinse, repeat existence. I should have known this was coming when I was short with Jake and Lukas and didn’t completely love Thanksgiving. I try to protect my heart and mind this time of the year. There are too many losses, too many memories, too much PTSD going on. I forgot to tap into my toolbox to get through and when I realized last night that I hadn’t even done anything at my office for my favourite holiday (well, tied with Christmas), it hit me that I needed to buy in a bit. I got up early enough to get on the treadmill for the first time in a month and then decided to try on the dress Ashlée had got me years ago. She, like most, knows how much I love Nightmare Before Christmas and I was so happy to fit it and threw together a ‘look’ for the office. It didn’t matter one bit if I got comments or compliments as I felt good and fun. I will admit though when one of the ladies told me I have great legs, it felt great. My friend Claire, who is currently in Oslo, was wearing the same mask today! My parcel with my shirt and hoodie arrived today from VIMF! Marcy also sent along my 2019 credentials that had gotten lost in the shuffle and a couple stickers. I will wear them tomorrow, for sure. I got all I needed to today done so that I could get home and get ready for the wee trick or treaters. The first ones were around 5:30 and were adorable. I had set a motion sensor phone that rings and when they answered it it would say spooky things. I did not even think about the fact they wouldn’t know what an old fashioned phone was. It made me laugh. There were 51 guests in all, ending with the three youngest grandsons. It made my heart happy when their Mom called earlier to invite me to go out with them but I was happy to be home handing out candy. It was too cold and a little rainy at the start but cleared up, thankfully. I was grateful they brought the kids by though and it was nice to see Sean bring Zoe by as well. Gene and the students did the best group costume ever. There was even a post on Facebook about them being epic. They wheeled a cart around as one of them hung across it calling out Bring Out Ye Dead. Then the one on the cart would stir and say I’m Not Dead Yet! Very clever.

October 31, 2022

Depression is weird. It isn’t always wild mood swings. For me it can often be just being stuck in the middle, devoid of any depth of feeling. I feel that is where I am. Don’t get me wrong, moments can still move me but mostly it is a wash, rinse, repeat existence. I should have known this was coming when I was short with Jake and Lukas and didn’t completely love Thanksgiving. I try to protect my heart and mind this time of the year. There are too many losses, too many memories, too much PTSD going on. I forgot to tap into my toolbox to get through and when I realized last night that I hadn’t even done anything at my office for my favourite holiday (well, tied with Christmas), it hit me that I needed to buy in a bit. I got up early enough to get on the treadmill for the first time in a month and then decided to try on the dress Ashlée had got me years ago. She, like most, knows how much I love Nightmare Before Christmas and I was so happy to fit it and threw together a ‘look’ for the office. It didn’t matter one bit if I got comments or compliments as I felt good and fun. I will admit though when one of the ladies told me I have great legs, it felt great. My friend Claire, who is currently in Oslo, was wearing the same mask today! My parcel with my shirt and hoodie arrived today from VIMF! Marcy also sent along my 2019 credentials that had gotten lost in the shuffle and a couple stickers. I will wear them tomorrow, for sure. I got all I needed to today done so that I could get home and get ready for the wee trick or treaters. The first ones were around 5:30 and were adorable. I had set a motion sensor phone that rings and when they answered it it would say spooky things. I did not even think about the fact they wouldn’t know what an old fashioned phone was. It made me laugh. There were 51 guess in all, ending with the three youngest grandsons. It made my heart happy when their Mom called to invite me to go out with them but I was happy to be home handing out candy. It was too cold and a little rainy at the start but cleared up, thankfully. I was grateful they brought the kids by though and it was nice to see Sean bring Zoe by as well. Gene and the students did the best group costume ever. There was even a post on Facebook about them being epic. They wheeled a cart around as one of them hung across it calling out Bring Out Ye Dead. Then the one on the cart would stir and say I’m Not Dead Yet! Very clever.

October 30, 2022

I slept well, puttered at chores around the house, made a nummy stew for ‘lupper’ and pretty much use hung out at home today. it was good for me not to do any work, although I did check in with a client who would want me to come to his business. He had not done the ‘homework’ I left him last Sunday so I decided not to go. I was glad for this.

Many things have been running through my mind.

Malcolm and Danika let us know yesterday that they are pregnant again, Emmy seems happy about that. Another bonus grandkid for me.

Diane had called my UK besties and the rest of my ABCs, my angels. She feels they are a grounding caring group in my life and I have to agree. I miss them and look forward to the potential of seeing Eastern Canada together in the near future. I sometimes wish I had a duel income, or had kept a job with a pension so I could truly retire and travel. I am not sure that is in my future but I will continue to have hope and set goals.

It is time to work at getting my home sorted and purged, the first step towards any goals. It will help to offer much to Natalia and her daughter as they are getting their apartment soon.

I need to start reading more, I miss it but don’t make the time for it.

My 3000 piece puzzle is still on my table, unfinished. As the weather is changing, I expect the habit will return.

This is the first Halloween in as long as I can remember that I didn’t even decorate my office. This speaks to my lack of enthusiasm about being there and tells me the decision to work toward only a couple days a week there is a good one. I will need to work on getting an office set up here again to do so though.

Rae-Anne may need me to fill some shifts at Arby’s. This would help me as I would ask that most of my wage goes to tax, bringing down the amount I would owe at the end of the year. Even if it is just cleaning, hosting kind of work, it would help them and accomplish what I need.

I have forgotten how much I do just enjoy my own company and can volunteer on occasion to get social time.

This week will be fun as I put together the volunteer party on Friday night. I will bring Lukas with me early to set up and look forward to the 36 people or so expected to attend.

Tracey let me know today that she will be home from her daughters in time for handing out treats tomorrow night. I am glad but the weather is threatening to be liquid so that is a downer.

I am going to climb into a bath bombed tub now, watch some Disney and tune out the thoughts to wind down for an early bed tonight.

October 30, 2022

I got dressed up and headed to the Guedes house to meet everyone and go to the Downtown Halloween Walk. It was fun to see all the amazing costumes on young and old alike. The kids seemed to have a good time and the weather was perfect. Gene put on his Uncle Travis’s fire gear from when he was on the Salt Spring Fire team. It was something to see him fit them, RIP Trav. I hung out for a bit chatting with R-A before coming home to get ready for my nail appointment I was lucky to get today at 5.

Had a great visit with Minh as usual and he did a lovely job on my nails.

The evening culminated with my going to see Misery on its closing night at The Studio/Stage Door. It was entertaining, not quite the psychological thriller it could have been but the acting was very good and the set was well planned for the small stage. Some things were annoying, including the fact that the bartender didn’t open drinks as she should have so the audience made noise opening them during the show. Also, there were audience members who had clearly not been at live theatre before and got up several times during the first act. Over all it was a very good show though, a solid CCT production. I just don’t think the tension was there that I would have like to have seen. And the feet, oh, the feet, lol. The audience laughed rather than was freaked out by the hobbling as they were very dark coloured and rubbery. The shooting went well though.

It was weird not to stay for the party but I really was only peripheral, working concession, so didn’t think I should stay. Came home to a cozy up cat and a comfy couch.

October 27, 2022

I could not get going this morning. I think it is the change of season beating me down. Also I may have over scheduled myself. I have enjoyed the volunteer things I have done, even if they were not things I would have gone out of my way to do or see. The audience was noticeably more excited coming out of the show at intermission last night, helping me to be more looking forward to seeing it on Saturday night. I managed to get my last two filings done today for the month allowing me time tomorrow and Monday to just work on the catch up and transitioning files I have been asked to work on. I think I am going to work hard on getting my home office set up again so I can work some days from home. I will have to establish regular in office times for those who need to meet with me and the client files I need to work on there. Natalia was there today but was really struggling with a migraine. We figure it is the season change and hope for both of us that the barometer settles out soon. After work I met a client who has become a friend for dinner at the Blind Pig before coming to pick up Tracey and go to Key City. FPPAS had been offered free tickets to see The Cave. I was happy to take them up on it. In spite of being desperately tired, I did enjoy the show. It was very unique and beautifully staged. I was glad it was over by 9 though. I am allowing myself to wind down naturally and hope to have a productive day tomorrow. I spoke to Mom and she had her first ever flu shot! I have to get that and my booster soon. It is so dang cold and windy out these days, it is clear that Fall is in full swing.

October 26, 2022

And this is 1001!

October 26, 2022

Today was super productive, I even got my own books caught up! Natalia was here again and she is really struggling with headaches. I suspect the altitude and barometer are working against her. I did make a plan to pay her and she was embarrassed but I said she was helping me and the client and that I would bill them a reasonable amount and pay her for her work this month. She was surprised and very happy. That makes my heart happy.

After work I brought my Hello Fresh order home and then headed to The Studio/Stage Door to serve concessions for the CCT production of Misery. It was great to see so many familiar and new faces out for the sold out show. I really can’t wait to see it on Saturday, closing night.

I had a fun moment as I pulled up to park and there was a truck behind me. I zipped into the parallel parking spot between two cars in one move and the truck pulled up beside me and the driver gave me a big grin and a thumbs up. That felt good, especially as I am still driving the courtesy car.

My cousin, Becky dropped off the Scentsy Whiff box I had bought from her and it was full of all the good Fall smells. The Grogu is so fun and for the rest of my day it smelled like I made cookies in my office. Thankfully it doesn’t bother anyone and it isn’t a scent free space. I miss good smells. At least I can wear perfume to work.

October 25, 2022

Did some chores and headed to the office. Was excited to get some work done in anticipation of my friend Steph picking up our Subway order and joining me for lunch. It was nice to take a break and good to catch up. I really enjoy her and the way we connect. When we were done, Natalia had arrived. I am amazed at how well she is grasping the English language. She and her daughter, Maria were going to look at a basement suite of their own. They came from the Ukraine with only carryon bags so I have offered them items for their home. I need to purge and that would be best to give them first option. I am going to offer her some money for the data entry she is doing as it will help her and saves the client money. After getting all but two of my remaining October files done, I popped home to change and then headed off to Key City. Before leaving I replaced parts in my roomba, restoring it to good working order, much James, cheaper than buying a new one. As I was leaving, I noticed my rose bush was blooming! It was only 6 degrees C and windy out, so a nice surprise. I was an usher for Downchild Blues Band tonight. The opener was Miss Emily. I thought she was great but many complained during the break that her mic was too loud. I wore earplugs as my sonic hearing couldn’t take it enjoyably. The guys were great, old… the band was started in 1969 and there are still original members and they are on their 50th Anniversary tour which was sidelined by the pandemic.

Funny side note, being 37 pounds down now, I was thrilled to fit one of my favourite bras today. There is no way to explain the joy of a good fitting and sexy bra. They are typically expensive so I am glad I put them aside and now I can wear them!

PS, my shoes fit better and are more comfortable as well. I shall keep up the diligence as to what goes in my body.

October 24, 2022

I saw another tenant in my workspace had a cool plant light and ordered myself one on Friday. It arrived today and I look forward to seeing my plants thrive that are away from the window. I also dig the purple light in my workspace.

Lots done today and then a Board meeting. Glad to be home where it is warm and cozy. There is much on my plate this week but I feel good about it all.

October 23, 2022

Today was my Grandad Bellavance’s birthday. He was born in Ought Five which seemed amazing to me as a kid, being born in 1905 and here we are in a time when that means 2005! I loved him dearly. I don’t think I have experienced that kind of unconditional love since. I was often threatened as a form of punishment, “what would your grandparents think?”. I hope that my grandkids just know I love them in my own weird way. I feel it deeply but am awkward at expressing it. I miss my Grandad and Nana, they saw the best in me.

Today I did laundry and went to a client’s for almost 5 hours. I found myself getting frustrated and hangry so I came home and made a delicious salad.

I have been slightly obsessing about my future plans. I watch a lot of the 90 day Fiancé series and am too likely to compare my own life and say, see that’s why I don’t go on apps anymore, there is no depth in short term relationships that attempt to be distanced ones. Is it the same with friends? Am I missing the people that I had intense wonderful times with but no real mirror that shows who we would be over a long time? Is that why I move often? 6 years here is a long time for me. When I think of moving am I running to or away? I have decided just to take it a day at a time, make lists, make plans, pack a bag and be ready to go. That keeps me dreaming of the future and grounded in the present, both of which are healthy for me. I do miss my Besties though. Xo

October 22, 2022

I was busy with chores on an early fall snowy day. Next was off to the Key City Theatre to volunteer for Washboard Union tonight. It’s not my usual style of music but these guys put on a good show that was very well received. Talking with the bus driver outside after, he mentioned that he travels the continent and finds Canadians are very chill but sure know how to party, lol.

October 22, 2022

today was pretty great as my end of the building was empty so I was able to play my podcasts, get a lot done and work in peace. I shared a lunch of Carrot, Turmeric and Ginger soup with Cindy and then got back at it until the internet tanked out. It was 5 so I decided to call it quits. Rae-Anne picked me up for our night out. It was a personal invitation to friends and family night for an interactive play night at the Cranbrook Heritage Museum. We were to dress a la 1961 which I think we did well at. The play, We Are Not Amused, was well intentioned but we both felt there were too many missing pieces to make it truly interactive and there was no way to guess the killer, or killed for that matter. All in all, though, we had a nice night out and I hope it is successful for them. Afterwards, we went to the Blind Pig where Shannon met us and we had a great visit. Shannon drove me home after and we had a good visit to catch up on all that has been going on. She just left and I realized it is closing on 2 am which is unusual for me! One of my great gratitudes was that she was the blood taker the day of my surgery in March and it was such a blessing to see her that morning when I was in fear. I am tired and keeping this short but I must say, it was a really great day!

October 20, 2022

I started the day making a lovely tuna salad for lunch. The rest of the time was mostly taken up with more volunteer work. It was good to have Natalia at the office again and she will be back next week to move on to learning about paying and reconciling. From the office I stopped at Arby’s to pick up the coupons they provided for our Fisher Peak volunteer party and then just made it on time for my gig as the concessions person for Misery at CCT tonight. It was nice to see so many familiar and new faces out for the show. I tried hard not to listen as I will be seeing it on the 29th, closing night. I feel bad for Tracey, the lead, as she hurt her back and it was hard for her tonight. The show must go on, I hope she feels better tomorrow. I did enjoy working there and catching up with a friend going through a separation. Didn’t see that coming but had hoped I wasn’t seeing something wrong in the late winter last year. Apparently I was. Hate to see anyone going through that, especially with a solo child.

Today would have been my Dad’s 83rd birthday, if he hadn’t died at aged 64. I was aware of the day, felt the sadness, but so much time has passed, I shall toast him in memory and hold the memories dear.

October 19, 2022

Last night I had a gummie about an hour and a half before bed and as I started to feel tired, I went to bed. I then auto piloted taking my pills and inadvertently popped a new sleep assist gel. When my alarm went off at 7:30 I was completely wasted. I kept setting another hour, hoping to sleep it off. At 10 I had water and a snack and a shower. It was overwhelming, I sat on the couch and slept until noon before trying to get dressed. I couldn’t and fell asleep again. It was nearly 2 before I felt clear headed enough to drive. I did get a file done thank goodness. I am now home and ready to go to bed again, with NO assistance.

October 18, 2022

I slept a little better last night which is good as I left the office after 9 pm. I spent most of it on a complicated file and then filed the government requirements for a local charity I do the books for. It was easier to do with no interruptions. I feel gratitude for getting big items off my list, feeling a lot of relief. Now I am going to have a Crown and relax in front of the tube before sinking into a deep sleep (fingers crossed)

October 17, 2022

I could not get to sleep last night due to my right hip aching for some reason and the struggle left me very weary for today. I took a CBD only gummy to focus and worked at all I needed to get done on this payday Monday. After work I did a mystery shop at a local cannabis retailer and picked up some sleep aids while there. I had one over an hour ago and am starting to feel the calmness. I didn’t want to check out for the day without checking in, though. I sometimes wish this was two way, so I could ask how you are all doing but know that if you are reading along on this journey of mine, mundane or otherwise, I am sending you love! No, that is not just a generality, I really do love that you are here and find something inspiring, shocking or boring (if you are trying to get to sleep as well) about my little life. I am having thoughts about some interesting things I can do in the near future while still working. I hope I get my car back tomorrow as not having it is the one thing that still has me thrown off of my daily joy. Anyway, hope you all are able to rest well. It is amazing how a lack of sleep has such impact on state of mind and ability to perform. On that note, sweet dreams, peace out.

October 16, 2022

I had gone to bed early so woke at a decent time but definitely felt like I had not drank water yesterday. I made coffee and sat on the couch to finish Emmy’s Silkie. I had recordings of The Masked Singer to watch. I was pleasantly surprised at the serendipity of the first unmasking I saw to be Eric Idle and he sang the song that Roger did for his Dad yesterday! I rewound and videoed it to share with the family.

I finished Silkie and Danika is happy with it. We will make a plan to get it to her. Missy is having fun with a nearly empty roll of ribbon.

Next it was outside to mow the lawn, put away a few more things and attach the hooks to my gates.

I popped off to Home Hardware in search of potting soil which they did not have but I grabbed a few fun games for Birthday and Christmas presents. Next was Walmart, where I found the soil and a shirt on sale. I stopped at work to pick up an empty pot and some small plants to replant together including the white rose from the service yesterday.

I got all that done and them made some dinner which was good. I am officially down 35 pounds now and that is a very good feeling. Tracey came over and I lit a fire as we sat outside drinking cider and catching up on the last few days. She and Jesse did Rae-Anne’s windows today and just have to go back to finish the lower ones. She works full time at the hospital and has a window cleaning business. I am grateful she fit the kids in as the sun is setting earlier now leaving them less time to get it all done.

Apparently the grad reunion on Friday night was enjoyed by all and I am seeing many pictures. There are a few people I would like to have seen but will have to hold out for the 45 or 50th.

October 15, 2022

Today had so many feels. At 11 am was the celebration of life for my son-in-laws father, Ryon, I was super conflicted as I felt the need to suppress and be there for Roger but I also felt the loss of a friend. Ryon was one of those people that I care for deeply over a shared sense of the world. We had many good laughs together in an offbeat way and that I will always cherish. The service suited him well, a happy dose of God and the absurd. Roger memorialized him well with a good dose of humour, even ending the eulogy with a song by the UK hit of Always Look on The Bright Side which Ryon would have loved. We were surrounded by family and it was good for the soul.

I took Mom to the insurance company to move her car insurance to here which garners her a good refund and applied online for her address change to her drivers licence before dropping her at home per her wishes.

The rest of the day was spent hanging with loved ones around the fire, having a good meal and I brought a bottle of Scotch for us to have a Dad toast together. There were so many good conversations and much love that I can’t even begin to express them but suffice to say, I was grateful to Ash for driving me home and Dee for following us and taking her back.

I did make time after dropping Mom off to go vote in our civic election. There is part of me that knows I was voting between one old white guy and another but hope my council votes will make a difference.

I am now signing off, just a little buzzed, just hoping you will always look on the Bright side of life!