10-09-22 Happy Thanksgiving
I keep checking in with myself today as my rage and frustration is barely under the surface. I suspect it is just the take-away from all the turmoil in the last month. To be honest, I don’t think I am generally an angry person but the anger seems to come too easily these days. I talked myself down first thing this morning and then I went off on Jake and later on Lukas. Neither thing was undeserving but I was over the top, I picked up groceries and then Jake, Lukas and Emmy to help me winterize the yard. We put away everything, folded up the tent trailer and the leaves were raked and bagged. I dropped them off and raced home to make Red lobster biscuits, Caesar salad and cheesy cauliflower. I was done in time to take a quick shower and race to pick up Mom and bring her for dinner. It was delicious and there were 15 of us so a bit chaotic. I wish we still played games and enjoyed each other’s company more. Jake was here for the weekend and we barely had a full conversation. I invited Ashlée to a play with me and she says she probably doesn’t have the time off. Rae-Anne is mostly distracted by work. I love my family but can’t seem to find my place in it that isn’t peripheral. That is okay, I just need to accept and take the moments when they come. I think the anger is part of that becoming accustomed.
I do want to be happy but I am well rutted in my life and need to let go of the things, even in my stuff, that I need to get rid of.
triumphgal 