10-31-22 Out of the middle.
Depression is weird. It isn’t always wild mood swings. For me it can often be just being stuck in the middle, devoid of any depth of feeling. I feel that is where I am. Don’t get me wrong, moments can still move me but mostly it is a wash, rinse, repeat existence. I should have known this was coming when I was short with Jake and Lukas and didn’t completely love Thanksgiving. I try to protect my heart and mind this time of the year. There are too many losses, too many memories, too much PTSD going on. I forgot to tap into my toolbox to get through and when I realized last night that I hadn’t even done anything at my office for my favourite holiday (well, tied with Christmas), it hit me that I needed to buy in a bit. I got up early enough to get on the treadmill for the first time in a month and then decided to try on the dress Ashlée had got me years ago. She, like most, knows how much I love Nightmare Before Christmas and I was so happy to fit it and threw together a ‘look’ for the office. It didn’t matter one bit if I got comments or compliments as I felt good and fun. I will admit though when one of the ladies told me I have great legs, it felt great. My friend Claire, who is currently in Oslo, was wearing the same mask today! My parcel with my shirt and hoodie arrived today from VIMF! Marcy also sent along my 2019 credentials that had gotten lost in the shuffle and a couple stickers. I will wear them tomorrow, for sure. I got all I needed to today done so that I could get home and get ready for the wee trick or treaters. The first ones were around 5:30 and were adorable. I had set a motion sensor phone that rings and when they answered it it would say spooky things. I did not even think about the fact they wouldn’t know what an old fashioned phone was. It made me laugh. There were 51 guess in all, ending with the three youngest grandsons. It made my heart happy when their Mom called to invite me to go out with them but I was happy to be home handing out candy. It was too cold and a little rainy at the start but cleared up, thankfully. I was grateful they brought the kids by though and it was nice to see Sean bring Zoe by as well. Gene and the students did the best group costume ever. There was even a post on Facebook about them being epic. They wheeled a cart around as one of them hung across it calling out Bring Out Ye Dead. Then the one on the cart would stir and say I’m Not Dead Yet! Very clever.
triumphgal 