01-17-23 sometimes the past
Should stay in the past. Today had many stressors but the weirdest one was finding out that an extended family member posted a video on YouTube that showed his parents and others in black face performing a couple songs back at a reunion in 1991. I could barely process the skeleton in the closet being put centre stage as if it was something to be proud of. Now, to be clear he is a generation above me, so I can only imagine that is the latitude we are ‘supposed’ to give him, and them for that show, but this is 32 years later, it is time to burn that reel, not enjoy and share it. I am embarrassed and annoyed, worried for all the faces that are in it watching, lest it tarnish their reputations and I honestly have been thinking too much about the biases I grew up with. There were everyday jokes that were just so tasteless and bordered on cruel. I can’t erase them from my brain but I can hope to never repeat them. I often wonder though, how it is that I forget the names of people I care about but remember terrible things that were said. I am grateful that somewhere along the way I learned to check in with myself regularly, to see the differences as things that make us interesting, not negative. I can’t explain how I regularly land on the feeling that I am not caring, inclusive or unjudgy enough. I am actually super judgy, but it is more about people that I think should know better and behave better than it ever is about their colour, accent or birthplace.
I am moving on so I don’t beat myself up too much but suffice to say I had to pause when I considered not going to the reunion in August. Instead I took my Mom’s advice and called my cousin who lives near the poster and asked her to talk to him personally about the ramifications and ask him to take the video down.
I had to say no to someone today and it was hard. I wrote a very professional email and signed it ‘Best Regards’, something I only do when I am struggling not to say.. now F off. I need to set a big boundary and not take on more than I can do. I make mistakes when I am overwrought. Even today I made one that did not harm anything but annoyed me. Fortunately I caught and fixed it.
After hours, Tanner stopped by the office and we workshopped what I want for the media for my show. She liked the ideas I have and will have something ready for proofing soon.
My first Hello Fresh box in weeks arrived today and I made a very delicious Cottage Pie.
It will be good to have the leftovers tomorrow as I have another busy day!
triumphgal 