04-16-24 Don’t Touch This
I had an odd night, awake thinking often. My shower thoughts were deep and sort of dark, or maybe light in the realizations. I am not sure where the seed came from. I found myself thinking about how seldom I am surprised, startled, or bothered by pain. I know that a part of me was brought up in a house that showed stoicism. As children we were often… bullied in some ways. We were teased and embarrassed in front of others for entertainment of adults. I learned to laugh it off or at the very least, not show how bad it was. I would leave the table to get something requested, only to return to a meal doused in hot sauce. I would take a bite and then finish without showing sign that it tasted any different, just to not give Dad the satisfaction. Or maybe it was to live up to what I perceived as expectations… that, somehow, I was making him proud. I would get hurt and walk it off. No blood, no broken bones, no complaining allowed. Mom made it clear I was to rise above, to set an example, to always be the best.
I wonder if I pass those same ideals along to my children. I hope they know I love them beyond understanding. I hope they know they don’t have to do anything at all to have that from me. I hope they know that they can be, just be, not be something.
I believe I am coming to that belief in myself finally. I am making good choices. I am finding contentment in my life and purging the things that do not bring joy.
Today I was asked to take on a client whom I have been working with assisting and training their bookkeeper. They want me. This is flattering. I asked to put a pin in it until we talk May 8th so that I can assess my capacity. In April I am more likely to say no.
I did spend time in my yard today installing some solar fun. I have ordered more and intend my yard to be a big source of joy this summer.
triumphgal 