triumphgal

December 20, 2021

I woke myself only 5.5 hours after trying to fall asleep and struggling through waking up several times in the night. I suspect it was the killer rum balls too late at night. Al was up and making coffee, they seriously have the best home made coffee. I had a quick visit after getting ready and headed out complete with cheese ball and crackers to go. Did I mention Pam is the hostess with the mostest?!

I was already heading down the drive way when I realized i didn’t have the address of my client’s new shop somewhere around Fruitvale. I stopped at the co-op gas and texted him so I could set my car map. While in there I found the cutest little honey bears and someone is getting them for Christmas.

The route to the client was clear and gorgeous. It was great to stop and meet two of his employees and put faces to the names I pay. I trained them both on using One Drive shared with me and set up a proper spreadsheet for the payroll. Steve kindly sent me home with Grade A ground beef and Gin, I mean, seriously, what more could a gal want.

I saw the flipped over car that caused the road shut down and reroute yesterday. It was completely on it’s roof. The roads were good and I got back to Cranbrook at a decent time. I stopped at the office to pick up my books that had arrived and run a payroll that was due. It felt good to get it all done.

I got home at a decent time and started making soup from some leftover ham and carrots, a cauliflower soup and beef broth base. Once it was slow cooked enough I added pasta wheels. The problem is that it smells like cat food!!! Must be the cauliflower.

I set it to cook and then hopped in a bath using the bubble bath bombs I bought. The eucalyptus was lovely and I admit I love bubbles. They are a close second to the THC bombs.

I received an email from a Kimberley client saying she wants to drop me off a gift tomorrow. I need to own the gratitude I am feeling from my clients, drink it into my soul, let it buoy me up for the storms to come. For today I am well. I celebrate the 12th birthday of my Lukas and am satisfied and full.

it catches the shovel and will be there until a full melt so people don’t drive on driveways that aren’t travelled yet just saying

December 20, 2021

I organized my stuff to take, loaded the car, stopped for a Christmas bombing at a friend’s sons house and then hit the road

I had downloaded an audible book : Beautiful Boy and it took me most of the way although it seems I was doing something wrong as I lost connection and don’t know how that mattered if I downloaded it. I listened to the story which is very moving, a fathers tale of his sons struggle with addiction.

Between it and the extremely gorgeous scenery I was distracted from any concern I had about travelling on the day after a massive dump of snow in a vehicle I haven’t driven in the winter yet. The Tucson handles well and I loved the drive.

I arrived happy to be here. It was a tough choice as my family only days ago scheduled the Christmas photo for today. I will admit I am disappointed it couldn’t wait for me. This is only the third time In two years I am out of town overnight. I think I made the mistake of saying take it without me when what I really meant was can we reschedule as I feel like I am part of the family and you wouldn’t take it if anyone else wasn’t available. Too late now, my bad.

It was so lovely hanging out and prepping food with Pam. There was a lovely evening of too much food (& sangria) and nice company which included health care people and family. It felt safe and I am glad the rules don’t change until after this. It was great to see Aija and Rob as it seems forever since I was here for their wedding. Pam puts on such an incredible spread! I was pleased to make the signs for the buffet as it was the least I could do. Oh and we do like the blackberry/raspberry gin I brought.

So many laughs have been had over the shrimp jello mold. I had a strong reaction to the idea of it. Turns out it is tasty but the texture is like mousse which messes with my brain. so ‘70s!

December 18, 2021

I had told the board of the theatre that I would ask my grandsons to shovel snow from the walkways and sidewalks. Since there was a winter snow warning I realized I had better make a plan. I will be away the next two days so it was even more imperative to make a plan. I talked to Rae first and she agreed Lukas would be the perfect one to take it on. I texted him and made a plan for when he would be back from sledding and I would be there at the end of the show run through I was invited to. He is such a good boy!

I shoveled my way out to go to the show. I am impressed with the work the guys have put in and they are only half way there. It was great to see Thom meeting with the director and set designer in anticipation of building the set. After rehearsal Duncan met with the costumer. Things are on the move forward. A producer’s dream

Lukas showed up as soon as I texted him and I supervised him doing the first snow cleaning and we negotiated a reasonable flat rate. While we were out there a guy stopped to talk to us and offer his services as he really wants to get involved with the theatre. He told me some of his skill set and I suggested he get a membership online and then I will have his information and will reach out to him for set building. What a great way to recruit, lol.

I got home from the theatre to shovel for the second time today. I dropped off the things I had purchased and then headed to the Hockey game.

It is Lukas’s 12th birthday on Monday so I brought him his gift to the game. His other grandparents also conspired and went to get them to announce his birthday during the game. He was so very happy. It was the teddy bear toss game so when the first goal from our side was scored everyone started tossing. It is so much fun to watch and take part in. The game had some crazy penalties and injuries and we just barely won in the last period. The next game is also against the Trail Smoke Eaters on New Years Eve so that promises to be a lot of fun.

I returned home to shovel once again, about he same amount as each of the previous times. It seems to have tapered off a bit. I feel better about heading out tomorrow. I do have a 3.5 hour drive that includes going over Kootenay Pass which I am not going to did you, has scared me in the past. I once did it in a fog bank, on my motorcycle, that was so thick I could only see two dotted lines at a time. I had hypothermia by the time I got to Cranbrook. This will not be the same. I have my list of safety gear to take, just in case and am looking forward to seeing my friends from long ago and my client who has become a friend.

One of the things I discovered I appreciate about Arby’s, besides their chicken nuggets, is the roof over the order spot so snow doesn’t come in!

December 17, 2021

I stopped at Hyundai on my way to work to push my point that I need the car to include all the things I purchased in the first place. I was grateful to have been brought to the back and told that all the promises made will be honoured regardless of the ‘shadiness of the original deal’ A promise to honour and a booking for the most of it is now in place.

When I finally made it to the office there was a gift sitting in front of my door from Keri. I am blown away! It was a truly thoughtful one. And also over the top. I had a gift at home but hadn’t brought it in as I wanted to drop it at her home for the whole family as I didn’t get something for everyone this year. I did for her as she has been my no alarm ambulance, shuttling me for all the test and procedures while the rest of my family has been at work. She listens and cares and I wanted to get her something to thank her. I will take it tomorrow. I do wish I had thought to have it in my car to give her today as she is now off until January. She is my unsung hero.

I spent a great deal of time with a consulting job in my office. She and I laughed and got things done. The day was suddenly nearly over but I got a call from Grandson Gene to see if I could shuttle him from work at 6:45 to Curling. I worked until it was time to go to Superstore and pick up a veggie tray to take with me to Layard’s this weekend and then picked him up. He is a good boy, young man, I suppose.

This evening I enjoyed the finale of Survivor, yes I am still watching it after all these years. I still miss Jake’s company to do so though. Yay a Canadian won!!

I received the book I ordered from Amazon that cracks me up!

December 16, 2021

I started the day dropping off a small gift for my friend Diana who was celebrating a birthday. She was Emmy’s daycare lady when she lived here. I think she is in the perfect profession as she is one of the kindest, friendliest people I have had the pleasure of knowing. I just never feel anything malicious or less than supportive from her. I want to be more like her.

There were payroll to do and with each one at the moment I reconcile the remittances for the upcoming T4s. It takes a little longer but will a save me time next month. It is also the time when my phone and email blow up with people needing assistance. So far I have been able to say yes, I do want to protect my me I me over the holidays as well though. I did take time to join CFEK for their Christmas staff lunch. I am grateful they include me and it was also very delicious. The pub lunch came from Don Cherry’s and was all but one dish, pepper free! Very thoughtful.

Robyn cracked me up with her Christmas sweater.

I was given a treat which was very nice of them.

I did some work after lunch and then wrote out my Christmas cards. It was a pleasant task and is made easier as I have a spreadsheet with addresses. I had enough Canadian stamps but needed to go to Shoppers which has a postal kiosk to get international and overseas ones. It was peaceful and only one person ahead of me. I picked up a cute thing I couldn’t resist for Rae and browsed for something for her students but didn’t feel like actually going through the mall. I drove through A&W which is my fave. I love the teen burger. I do need to say hold the onions next time as I am still feeling them.

Once home I found a very happy cat as she had refused to come in before I left this morning. She has places to stay out of the weather outside but the colder it gets, she is going to have to get smarter about me calling her in before I leave.

Keri is grossed out by toe socks so of course I had to text her this photo.

December 15, 2021

I worked until it was time to leave for the Cranbrook Chamber Luncheon. Sean, Keri, Corey and I met Layla there. It was at the Heritage and I was pleased they checked passports going in. It was weird to be sitting at a round table for 8 and have a serve ourselves buffet. While we were there I received breaking news alerts on my phone that Canada issued a no non-essential travel warning. The concern is that travelers may get caught out of country and there will be no ‘rescue’. That seems fair to me. Taking the risk involves a fair warning. I had good conversations with the woman next to me, Cindy, who recognized me from Curves. She owns it, although her business is now called something else. She also felt the awkwardness of the group setting. It was so great to see Dennis Walker get citizen of the year. He is the morning broadcaster on the station I listen to while getting ready for work and just an all around great guy. There seems to be no end to his dedication to the community. The turkey dinner for lunch was delicious.

After that we were back in the office where I could get a little bit more done before it was time for the Ground Floor open house. There were beverages and some great charcuterie. It was actually nice to chat with people without the pressure of deadlines. I did wear my mask for a great deal of the time at it though. Chance ended up coming to my office and hanging out at the end. We chatted and caught up, So many positive changes in his life! Next thing you know it was 7 pm.

It was a day full of funny things and odd things and good things. I really was comfortable in my Walmart Christmas dress. I will have to buckle down tomorrow but it was nice to take a break.

December 14, 2021

Today was busy and focused and fun. And long. I think I skipped a couple meals. You know, just another Tuesday in mid December. I have many opinions and little ability or desire to vent so I am having a bevie, watching 90 days and puzzling before I head to bed.

I hope your day was all you dreamed it could be. Xo

Oh wait, one of the more exciting moments was that I was so focused on the payroll I was running that I didn’t clue in to what the beeping I heard out in the office was. Turns out it was the alarm! Someone didn’t come down to check that I was still there and alarmed me in. This is the 3rd time in my life that has happened! Once when Jake was a baby and my cousins husband didn’t realize we had arrived in the night and settled in the family room. He set the alarm when he left for work and as soon as Jake awoke and started to crawl he set off the motion detector. There was much crying and wailing trying to get it to stop. The second was when I worked for the government here and was in the washroom when I heard the familiar beep of the alarm setting. I hollered out and the person came running back and managed to stop it in time. This time, no luck. I couldn’t remember my code as I never need it and so Sean came down and turned it off. I feel sorry for the renters upstairs as it went on for a long time.

December 13, 2021

Worked hard, enjoyed set up with new client, left at a decent time

Mystery shopped at a Cannabis Shop, was introduced to Bath Bombs.

Bought some.

Stopped at theatre to drop off e-cigs for the show which look like they are going to work perfectly.

Came home and shoveled.

It is still coming down.

Ate, chatted with Mom, puzzled and at 9:30 took a CBD/THC blend capsule and climbed into the bath.

Watched Sex Education on Netflix as I soaked up the goodness. Didn’t think I was feeling anything but I am incredibly relaxed, quite aware of everything and ready to head to bed.

Not sure if I should be concerned that in an unusual turn of events, Missy is hunkered down in the middle of the living room carpet, eyeballing me through the glass table.

Ah, yes, it’s a waiting game. I caught her drinking out of the fishbowl again. I imagine as soon as I leave the room…

Off to Never never land….

December 12, 2021

6:40 was early but I could hardly be upset by the grown up sounding little girl voice backed by a quickly maturing William saying Hi Nana! Can we have cereal?

Of course I had to jump up and get making the waffles I had promised. The idea of cereal went right out the door. Once again I was blown away by how much more they enjoyed the waffle and fruit than the whipped cream. We watched movies and played video games and had some good laughs. Will at on point said, “stay young Emmy!”. I asked why and he said they had puberty class and he feels sorry what is coming for her. For 10 he really impressed me with the conversation that followed and that it was all pretty disgusting for girls.

I had also awoken to a text from Danika inviting me to come meet Gwen. I wasn’t going to ask but was happy to. As it happened, I even got to hold her before the great grandparents. I didn’t stay long but I think they liked the gift of the car decal by a local artist of Baby on board and the sheep skin lined bunting bag that I bought at the Salt Spring Island Fall Fair when Rae was expecting Gene. She had given it back to me in case I wanted to pass it on. This is definitely the right season.

There is really nothing like holding a 35 hour old baby to wipe the rest of a depression away. I am grateful and know that my energy was good when she stayed relaxed in my arms and even peeped her eyes open at me.

I spent more time on outdoor and indoor decorations as I had finished my killer puzzle earlier. That was one of the hardest ones I have done that I can remember. I changed my table cloth for the season and got going on the next one of the set of 4. Late afternoon I posted on the Cranbrook Facebook group that I had toys to pay forward to someone who needed a gift for their child to give to another. I remember those extra gifts being hard to afford if I wanted Jake to have a special time. I found a good home for them and just hope they pay it forward when they can.

December 12, 2021

I awoke to a message from Danika that she had given birth to Gwen at 2:27 am. 9 lbs 3 oz! That was a well cooked baby and she is adorable. I don’t think that about all babies but she meets all the criteria. She also sent me an adorable video of Emmy singing to Gwen. She says she loves her like a pickle and that all the love is why she is there. She can’t stop talking about how little hair she has but that it is so soft. It leaves me slightly conflicted as it is not my actual granddaughter but she is the sister of my Emmy. So I shall consider her a bonus grand child. Rae and I had a discussion how little bloodlines actually matter in who we consider family. Some of the ones closest to us are the Kimberley bunch and they are all my stepmom’s family. You’d be hard pressed to convince me that they matter less because we don’t share DNA.

I was blessed to have Will be dropped off by Roger. We shoveled snow which was still falling, took out the garbage and recycle and then went to pick up Emmy from her other grandparents. First stop was Safeway to pick up milk and food for the kiddlets. Then we were home after a hilarious drive when Emmy pointed out how how every one answers ‘I know, right’. We laughed and decided to answer that to everything which led to many giggles as for most parts of conversations, that answer works.

The afternoon was full of fun food, fun movies and good giggles. The two of them get along well and Will played Wii with her without seeming to get distressed at her lack of ability and we were both stunned when she knocked him out twice in boxing. She was so excited!

The weather has been crazy today; snow, strong wind, rain and more of the same. It did hold off perfectly for the Santa parade though. We thought we were going to need an umbrella but the rain stopped in time. I was grateful Rae had told me the church was going to meet in front of Nutters as we found our posse there and Rae and the rest of the family found us. Emmy and Sawyer were adorable calling out to the passing floats Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Have a Happy New Year too! At 4 and 6, they really are great little humans who care. I look forward to seeing the mark they leave on this planet. I guess I had better stick around to see it.

The parade was short and there wasn’t as big of a turnout. I don’t know why. We enjoyed it as it was mostly contractors with decorated equipment. The GroundFloor truck was packed and the tree showed well. If only the signs had been bigger as you couldn’t tell who they were.

I let the kids climb the plowed hill in a parking lot as it was the first time they could this year. Emmy was determined to climb on her own and was happy to slide down on her butt. We came home and made dinner which Emmy devoured as it was tortellini and roasted cauliflower. She was disappointed there wasn’t more vegetables as they are her favourite. That is nice to see and a credit to Danika. She has never been the nuggets and fries Mom. I don’t mean to judge those who are. I am just proud that for generations, our family are good eaters. And dessert involved most fruit that I don’t like and Will chowed down on that… cantaloupe, watermelon, pineapple, honeydew and the usual strawberries and blueberries.

While they had individual baths I put the train around my tree. It is the only decoration at the moment and the kids loved it. Once I get it all decorated, I will take video. They finished their desserts, and then easily went to bed. I read them the book Emmy picked, put on a bedtime story podcast and the aurora Borealis and they fell asleep pretty fast, toe to toe in the same bed, just the way I used to with my cousins, in the 70’s. The 3 quilts piled on them (requested by Will) were all made by my great grandmother Houghtaling. I am overwhelmed that 5 generations ago a woman hand sewed these and they are still in use. I only dream that I may leave that kind of legacy.

For some reason Missy likes to drink out of the fish bowl. She has a constant feed water dish. I heard her jump on the counter behind me and grabbed my phone. She immediately moved to the corner and acted all nonchalant, nothing to see here, folks.

I have had a great day and yet I am struggling to breath deep. This too shall pass.

December 10, 2021

I have enjoyed sporting my lanyard repping my team. The Ducks are doing well for the first time in a long time. That Trevor Zegras assist was the best thing I have seen in a long time. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it, google for a treat.

I decided I may want to record the reading of a Christmas bedtime story for the theatre so looked up books on Amazon. I nearly spit out my coffee when I saw ‘Hookers and Blow save Christmas’. Of course I had to order it!

The Groundfloor is having a ‘float’ in the Santa Parade tomorrow and Nikki was tasked to put together the balloon tree. She recruited Sean to help her and it was not going well. I finally decided I was done bookkeeping for a Friday and offered to help her. We ended up making a Grinch tree and it may have not been all her boss, Cindy hoped for but I think it is cute.

I came home, tied down my Darth inflatable who kept trying to escape, poured myself a bevie and settled in to puzzle. I am determined to finish it before Will and Emmy come tomorrow. Danika messaged that they are going to break her water tomorrow. That seems unusual for a second child but I am sure she is anxious to get things moving and Malcolm has to go back to work soon. The baby will probably come as there is supposed to be a dump of snow.

I received a parcel from my cousin Debbi in the mail today. It is nice to have a gift under the tree for me as they are all for the grandkids. She is my sister cousin and I do love that she thinks of me.

I am feeling upward momentum in my head, hallelujah.

I have so enjoyed my advent Christmas card from the UK Besties.

December 9, 2021

Drag out of bed again morning, still managing every day to get on the treadmill though. I find when I am at my lowest it is the most important to stick to routine. I walk, I make my bed, I put on lipstick. Lipstick doesn’t run when you cry so no mascara but definitely lipstick. I wore my contacts and they are my past prescription so usable but not perfect. They took too long to get here to wait for replacements. I am still waiting to decide if I look older without my glasses.

I got my usual email to check in on my credit rating and the link lead me to a page that simply said “no healthy upstream” . Should I be worried? I know I am overextended right now as that is what I do when I am depressed. I bought a new vehicle, renovated, etc, etc, etc. But I am sure my upstream is fine, lol.

I left at a decent time tonight so I could make and have dinner before going to Shield Women class. I missed the last two weeks due to the burn on my arm and my mental health. I know if I don’t go I will not go.. and I really do enjoy it. When I got home my inflatables had taken a beating from the wind. I let Missy out and she seemed quite stressed by it. She wouldn’t leave them until I got them up and running again. I think she knows they make me happy and has an attachment. I also remembered that I had bought a special one on the Facebook Marketplace and set him up.

Dinner was pretty delicious, I just left out the chili pepper flakes.

MMA was worth going to tonight. The women there are really welcoming and Guru Joel is so kind and encouraging. I was having trouble swallowing all day and exerting myself really stressed my breathing. I still did as much as I could and seriously punched harder than I have, taking out my energy on the bag and my opponent. Knife work is always great, I have to work hard to coordinate my movements. I honestly just don’t like the frozen tag we play at the end. I know he wants us to end with fun but I do not find it fun. Maybe it will grow on me.

I stopped at the liquor store to pick up some vanilla crown and it came with a sweet bag. I think I know who I will gift that to. While sipping crown, I wrapped Christmas presents. I went all out last Christmas and this year kept it reasonable and personable as always. I am only gifting family this year and that is hard for me but it is the right thing to do.

Tomorrow night I will decorate my tree as I get the gift of Will and Emmy overnight Saturday!

December 8, 2021

Things are starting to crack through. I am still finding it near impossible to feel awake but I smile more easily now. The Christmas lights are popping up all over town and they bring me joy. My office is pretty and that brings me joy. My photobook of the Santa Barbara trip in 2017 arrived bringing much joy. I especially like the t-shirt Craig is wearing in the family picture I took. Putting that picture on it in the book was definitely an lol moment. I made dinner for Rae-Anne and we went to see Ghostbusters Afterlife. It was intense and I enjoyed many parts of it. The mini staypufts were the best! I giggled. I don’t know how they can afford to keep putting on movies. There were about 8 people in the theatre. It is likely that they save money on heat. I will bring a blanket next time!

December 7, 2021

I could not open my eyes when my alarm went off. I snoozed for half an hour and then did my usual routines so I didn’t get to work until after 9. I have to give myself some slack. What is the point of being self employed if I can’t go in late once in a while?

I got things done but kept knocking time off as I felt I was in slow motion. I several times got the head bobs happening. I did get a lot off the list though. I was also glad I stayed at the office until the pre AGM meeting and AGM for FPPAS. I think there are a lot of loose ends and a board member who won’t let go of the reins even where necessary. I do appreciate the other woman on the board and that we commiserate, lol. I got home and intended to make a Hello Fresh meal but it was 8 and I decided salad and garlic bread was good enough. I will cook for Rae and I tomorrow night as we are going to Ghostbusters at the theatre. I finally used last years Christmas present from Danika, Emmy and Malcolm and it was delicious with the wee bottle I had.

I am sooo tired, off to bed I go. Be well small world, sweet dreams.

December 6, 2021

I finished a payroll, got my nails done, met cousin Donna for lunch at East Side Mario’s, did a bunch more book work and then picked up a cake for Judy’s birthday. I had to put her name on it myself and it seems Safeway sells very little in the way of cake decorating now. Roger picked his mom up from the senior’s residence, then grabbed Chinese food for 13 of us immediate family. In the meantime oldest grandson Gene fell getting out of the shower and hurt his foot so his aunt Ashlée took him to the hospital. Seems it is bruised, not broken, thankfully. All in all a noisy, busy evening until the kids headed to bed and Rae and I had a cup of tea together. I was lucky to have gotten the appointment for my nails as I had damaged one and when I called on Thursday, this was the earliest time available with my favourite guy. He is always so gentle and I was very relaxed when I left there. It was also lovely to catch up with Donna, although there is much concern for her Mom. Ollie. I must make a point to see her soon.

Today is my Anniversary… a year ago I got my cat, Missy. Yes that is the fact of my life….

December 5, 2021

When I have unresolved issues with anyone, my entire being aches. A good friend has a birthday coming up and recently we had a blow up. It was a sibling style insanity that needed to be put behind us. I invited her for dinner and to watch Part 2 of Get Back. We had a good cry, hug and great visit. The show is slow and long but still an Interesting look at writers genius at work.

Earlier in the day I dug out my decorations and put up the tree. That is as far as I got before taking a wonderful long bath and watching the finale of Dear White People. I wish someone I knew watched it too so we could talk about it.

I did get a lot done on my puzzle as well as chores. Baby steps to better.

December 5, 2021

I fulfilled my obligations today, outside the house. I only cried three times, outside the house. I chitchatted with strangers, outside the house. I faked a smile, outside the house.

I had an honest conversation fraught with strong emotions, outside the house. I had a meaningful conversation with a friend in passing, outside the house.

From inside my cocoon, I invited a friend over tomorrow to celebrate her birthday, i got rid of the grey. I let another friend vent via text, I made food and tried to eat it. Looks like lunch is leftovers tomorrow. I pieced away at my puzzle and tried not to think about the show or work.

I took pleasure in the beauty of the snow and the return of Dexter

Depression takes on a physicality in me that I have been trying to ignore for weeks. The overwhelming tiredness, walking through sand feeling, the insomnia and the swelling of my throat. The sadness literally chokes me. My higher brain screams, SNAP OUT OF IT. My lower one is not ready to yet.

December 4, 2021

I know I make some worry about me and that I need to reassure that I am still here. I will try not to ever leave you hanging. Just know that if I am found dead it will be natural causes or murder. By murder, i mean that even if I were to off myself it would be murder. My desire to be on this planet and not leave any loved ones tormented is stronger than the part of my brain that occasionally sharpens the knives. I analyzed my tools today, as drowning in my brainstorm is not an option. They are weak but not worn out. I did things that on a good day would make me happy. I hung my Christmas wreath, ate my Christmas cookie from England and put on a Holiday station. I did not sink lower, and that is the goal. It was another confusing message day in lots of ways but I chose to focus on the very positive ones. I had encouragement in a kickass kind of way from friends who are allowed to do that. That is what makes us friends after all. The best advice may have been to keep writing the blog. It is cathartic and keeps me connected when all I want to do is hideout. It keeps me accountable. And when I relieve the pressure cooker… it probably keeps me alive. Thank you to those who reached out. I am okay today, tomorrow I will try to be as well.

Rae reached out this morning to let me know some family news and then she spotted me in the grocery store and we made a plan to go have an expensive glass of wine at the Firehall. I came home and made Bacon Pear Melts and Sweet Potato soup (the apple was substituted with pear) which reminded me how much I enjoy making, and eating, soup. Our visit was good, I was able to download, as she was and I think we both feel better for it. The wine and the dessert was delicious. We even did a puzzle!

I have to calm my brain. My left calf has electrical shocks running up it and my esophagus is swollen. That has to be stress, at least I don’t have to set an alarm for the morning.

December 2, 2021

Just like me….

I am adrift…

More accurately I am anchored in the darkness that is my true self…

I want this to be a part of the cycle, a passing fancy but I know in my core who I am and all that is not fit for human consumption. I watch myself being left on the outside and am sad but not surprised. I am a bitch. I am self serving. I have a desperate need to have rules and follow them and yet celebrate spontaneity. I care deeply but can’t tolerate in the same breath. I want to be different but seem incapable of being kind when I should be the most.

I hold up a mirror to my soul and see nothing of value. I know I would be missed for the work I do, paid and unpaid. People are out there who will honestly remember me fondly and others who will say the right things in spite of how they really feel.

I know I have positive attributes, I get things done…

I have no more to say at the moment, I haven’t slept properly for too many nights in a row. My body and my brain are working against me. I think it may be time to stop writing this blog as I tire of it being held against me. I tire of being second-guessed at every turn. If I am not fit to do something, then don’t ask me to do it. If snide comments are your style, move along. I deal better with directness. If you can’t tolerate directness, move along.

If I am too much.. or too little for you… move along. Just leave me be, let me do what I am required to, find some joy in all else… or I may just move along.

I put on my masks, I try to look normal. A goal is scored, I make sure I hoot and holler when I find little interest in even being there. I see a person I know across the way and make a pantomime of how big their child is. I be sure to say good morning, make small talk, haha as necessary. I play the game when that is the hardest thing ever for me to do and it drains me even further. That drained meat sack is the person you see and don’t really like. I read it in your actions.

I am considering moving home to work again. I did that better, felt safer and accomplished much, without even needing to get dressed if that was too extra.