I have lived an ‘interesting’ life. I wonder what the next 20 or so will bring. It is up to me I suppose to pick a path of least resistance and most joy. I have challenged myself, overcome fears and downfalls, and come out satisfied. I am experiencing regrets for the first time in my life, a side effect of aging, I suppose. I have lived under the false pressure of thinking I had to do something, be someone, leave a legacy. I was given the legacy of trauma, that is not what I want to leave for my decedents. I think I may need to make at least a 5 year plan, make a list of the things I would regret not doing. I am so caught up in the pandemic fear, I am giving up things I have previously thought I never would. Some of those choices are well made. I can only work on my weaknesses, leave others to be themselves, supporting them when they need it. Tonight I go to sleep aware that my Auntie Ollie is in her end days. It is likely anyway, with her failing health. At 93 one does not have many reserves. I wish I could see her, spend time laughing but the Pandemic keeps me away, aware of her fragility. I can only continue to FaceTime and text with her daughters, be here with hugs when they need them. We all play a part in this circle, this world, this life. I need to be my best for others who are suffering in my circle at this time, give them positive energy, not drain it.
I wasn’t even in a mood for Social Media last night so I barely noticed my friends picture of her daughter as it only registered as what I thought was a before and after hair picture. This morning the post was still at the top of my feed and I learned her beautiful daughter had died on Monday only days after her daughter’s 11th birthday. It is unimaginable to lose a child and sadly I know several who have, far too young. This darling girl was such a joy to be around, I will never forget camping with the three generations of them oh so long ago. Rest In Peace sweet Ciara, don’t worry your Mom and lovely Lily will be well cared for. This sadness I feel is honest, it will lift not to be replaced by the petty whining of yesterday.
I came home and made my last Hello Fresh, had a glass of wine and started The World’s Most Difficult Puzzle. It is double-sided with the same image, but one side is turned 90 degrees and then it’s cut from both sides so you can’t feel which is the back side. It’s not that hard… or I guess my puzzle brain is a good escape right now.
Finished this while I was trying to make myself go to work after getting the news
First let me start by saying this is not a goodbye message, but just where my headspace is tonight. Not exactly a pity party but just a general feeling that there will be a sigh of relief when I stop having opinions in groups that I work with. It is literally my job, paid or not, to have opinions, but I realize why so many things don’t change because offering suggestions is opening yourself up to being criticized for being observant and speaking up. I think I’m at the point of just keeping my mouth shut, meeting expectations, and moving on. I had a very interesting conversation with a gentleman who had lost his wife not too long ago. We are of a similar generation and go into deep conversation about motivation and best place to spend one’s time. I observed that I only want to do that which makes me want to leave the house. No I don’t always feel great about getting up and heading to the office. I am Not the biggest fan of scooping the litter box and taking out the garbage but those both give me a sense of satisfaction when I’m done. My New Year’s intention was to Marie Kondo my life. Sure I need to thin out the stuff in my life but more than the things I need to apply that to where I expend energy. The timer is running down on my obligations. I shall continue to do what is expected of me and I shall try to smile while I do it.
I enjoyed work today, knocking things off the list.
I announced my commitment to Dry February with only one night off, closing night of the play. From now until Wednesday there is a matching donor so should you be interested in the Cancer Fundraiser https://www.dryfeb.ca/users/marnee-bellavance every amount counts!
After work I picked up a printer that Di was paying forward as the kids need one. She also gave me the cutest little play kitchen for Emmy. I’m sure she will love to play it outside this summer and I have the table and chairs to go with it. I will likely set up a little play area under the pergola.
I had a late dinner and got half way through a puzzle. At first I was trying not to use the picture but was having trouble with the Vancouver Museum of Art… seems their spell checker missed one
I was heading to bed when I saw a Facebook post reminding me about the convoy heading to Ottawa and I have to say it annoys me. I believe in the public right to gather and protest peacefully but this is taking away our already seriously compromised supply chain especially in BC. Who knows how many days weeks or months our food supply, mail, packages, medical supplies & never mind building supplies will take to get back to normal availability because they have to drive all the way back as well.
I awoke to the sound of a text from one of the grandsons telling me they had left a gift on my porch. I suspect they knocked but too softly for me to hear from my room. I found a new pointillism picture. I haven’t opened it yet as II had too much work to do today to get distracted. It is Lilo and Stitch themed and I was told I should watch the movie again while I am doing it. I just may take that advice. I had breakfast and headed out to a beautiful day to take down my inflatables. Before I got very far my phone started ringing and I had a good long FaceTime with Emmy. I do love catching up and hope we can have a stay over again soon. I should have one of the boys in the near future as well but am keeping distances still until the covid numbers are down. A connected row of my yard décor had come unplugged at one pont and became frozen in the snow so I had to leave it there lest it rip. Missy seemed quite interested in where her friends went and she spent a good deal of time outdoors with me which was the longest time in months. I worked at trying to get the snow/ice removed from the walk where it is still compacted from coming off the roof but had little luck. I need a metal blade.
The rest of the day involved working on books and finishing some shows in the back ground. Stay Close on Netflix is recommended as was the poignant last season of Afterlife. And I got a full 8 hours and a full years worth of info in which feels very satisfying. I took breaks to work on theatre bits and that is all coming along brilliant as well. My neighbour gave me some high end ground beef and I made a nummy dinner. A good day was had.
Got up feeling rested, did some chores and then got dressed for work before settling at the dining room table. I didn’t get too far but I did get all my laundry done. I also dealt with a bunch of theatre things and finished my puzzle. This one was just the right amount of difficulty. Didn’t take too long but kept me interested and it is 39” wide. It is so strange not to be able to identify all the buildings on the Vancouver skyline any more. I finished watching ‘And Just Like That’, am done the second season of ‘After Life’ and am ready to watch the third. It is strangely touching and completely odd ball at the same time. If I took a shot every time I heard the C word, I’d be passed out smashed. That is probably the biggest difference between us and the Brits. I wonder if they think that about MF in American movies?
I owe a shout out to my friends that I forget are in the age range I would have called old. I forget they are that much older than me as they put me to shame with their active lifestyles and young personalities. At my age they were climbing Machu Picchu while I was taking the train and wouldn’t even consider such a climb then, never mind now. The age issue became a ‘wow, they are gone too soon’ when I learned first of Meatloaf at 74 and Louis Anderson at 68 passing away. Bat Out of Hell was my first Rock album, I still have it. I was fortunate to see him in concert and still can’t sit still when Paradise By The Dashboard Light comes on. Gone are the days of dancing to the end of probably the longest song ever played in a club.
I was at work for over 9 hours today and didn’t make a penny but got all the things done for the theatre in time for the board meeting next week and further prep for the play. It was a long but satisfying day.
I got home to a message from my cousin that her Mom is not doing well and as she is in her 90s we don’t know how long she has. I FaceTimed her to debrief and we ended up chatting for over 3 hours. I don’t think there is anyone else on the planet I can do that with. She has known me since I was 2 and there is nothing to fill in the blanks about, we just ramble on about family, books, politics, etc. I feel so filled up again.
There was a point in the day that I stopped to scroll my facebook feed and stopped dead at a picture my dear friend in Cumberland had posted. I recognized a guy in it and texted her to ask who it was. When she confirmed his name I told her my story and we had a good laugh. He is her sisters husband, seems they were childhood sweethearts and reconnected and were married in 2018. He and I were an item back on Salt Spring over 15 years ago. It was so strange to see his picture as I always wondered where he ended up after our difficult parting. Sadly he had lived up to his nickname, Liquid Plumber. Seems he has himself together now and is happy. I’m glad to see that. What a weird small world.
It was just a regular, nose in the books, kind of day. Nothing out of the ordinary to report except my horror that it is Paul Stanley’s 70th birthday. Tick tock, the clock is ticking. To see the people from the posters on the walls of my bedroom turn… old, is somewhat unsettling. Many are dead, or show up on celebrity rehab and others are subject of documentaries and exposés.
My antihistamine seemed to do the trick today, no sneezes! Dinner was Hello Fresh and was light and filling. The rest of the evening was puzzling, literally.
There was one fun thing in the middle of the afternoon when I took a Be My Eyes call. I read a graph with viscosity levels of various foods for a gentleman in Toronto. We ended up having a great chat about Whole Foods, skiing, and beautiful BC. He longs to come out West to see the Sunshine Coast. I was able to tell him about Gibson’s where the iconic Persephone and Molly’s Reach are from the Canadian classic, Beachcombers. I like helping out and get more from it in the end.
Midway through the day every day and then midway through the evening every evening right now I can’t stop sneezing. In order to avoid this unpleasantness I am going to start taking on schedule antihistamines. The eye watering that comes along with it is especially annoying and I regretted wearing mascara today. I did get some big work out-of-the-way which included a three hour zoom assist with a shared desktop and a client in Kimberley. I seem to be doing OK on the Noom food awareness program. My mistaken box of hello fresh arrived including a meal full of peppers that I gave to Sean. He appears to have forgotten it at work. Oh well at least it is in the fridge. I warmed up another serving of the shepherds pie I made at the beginning of the week and it was possibly even better. And then settle down to watch my shows and finish the picture I was working on although I am sad it is done. I really enjoy doing it and the subject matter of course is right up my alley and I think it looks good enough to frame. I should be looking for other pointillism pictures on sale because it was so relaxing. I did start a 39 x 13“ puzzle that I got a while ago of the skyline of downtown Vancouver, a place near and dear to my heart. Vancouver is a place I would like to introduce my friends to. Jake and I used to be really great at finding gallery openings and two-for-one specials at museums and things but I wonder if they even exist in these pandemic times.
The news today is that the theatre will still be able to run at half capacity until the end of day the 18th of February. Hopefully by then things will open up again. That will be half way through the run of the show which means we have a good chance of finishing the run with potentially full houses. In the meantime we just have to get butts in the seats. These guys have done a lot of work on an intense character driven show. The set is under construction, the lights and audio are being worked on, costumes and props are coming together… all the things. This is good.
I am so tired but accomplishing all I must at the moment. I have pushed aside my MusicFest invitations to get through this month. When the show is on it’s feet, I will switch gears. I have surprisingly only heard from one person so far reaching out to confirm his spot on the crew. He always does first so it made me smile he was right on cue. I did a lot of work ahead of the cancellation in 2020 but am willing to take that chance again. It is something to look forward to.
When I shut down the file I was working on for my client who owns a couple Cannabis shops, the timer made me smile. Synchronicity.
I came home and made a spaghetti squash, topping half with a few tablespoons of bruschetta and a bit of cheese. It was tasty, healthy and filling, all the right things.
I wish I could figure out why every year at this time my nose starts to run, seemly coincidental to the melt. Maybe something is released and is in the air. Maybe there is too much cat hair in my house now that she barely steps out due to the weather. I guess I could vacuum and dust and see if that helps… someday.
I worked long and hard on many payroll files today. I was glad for the quiet and few interruptions. Unfortunately there are at least three away taking precautions to feel or stay healthy. I was exhausted from concentrating so hard and glad for having done groceries and came home to make a pizza with a wholewheat pita, some bruschetta and grated cheese under the broiler. It was tasty and a good serving even if I gobbled it down. The rest of the evening was spent watching 90 days and then the first two episodes of “And Just Like That” which was a heart-wrenching trip down memory lane. I look forward to more.
It is my first husband’s 65th birthday today, the father of my daughters. There are so many thoughts flying in my head when I stop to really think about how different our lives would be should my post-partum depression not have been left untreated. We get along very well now. Every once in a while I completely forget that we were married once, that we despised each other for a time, that my heart raced in my chest when I got the news he’d been nearly killed in an accident, years ago. I think it even stranger to process that he is retirement age today. I was a stay at home mom when we were together. I cooked and cleaned and sewed and canned and crafted and did all the things.. and I left when I was barely 25. Now from the vantage point of 58 it is hard to feel so much closer to the end than the beginning. Bill is already 5 months older than my Dad was when he died. It felt too young 18 years ago, now it proves to be a life cut too short. Bill is a good man, and life became what it was supposed to for both of us. I envy what he has, I cherish what I had in the years between. It’s funny though, how often I am reminded that I am the one who left. For this whole month whenever I glanced at my calendar I wondered what we would do to celebrate Bill. I found out after the fact, that it happened last night. So I wished him a happy birthday on Facebook, like every one else, and got on with my day.
I guess I really needed to sleep because 11 1/2 hours later I woke up quite refreshed. My throat is no longer sore, there is still a little catch in my chest but that is normal for me and I only had to blow my nose twice today so really it’s a win-win. I didn’t manage to get outdoors or go for any long walks but I’ve made tremendous strides at the file I needed to work on and I made Food that gave me four portions of delicious shepherds pie. I have started to cook for myself again without the HelloFresh kit. I am rather enjoying it and when they billed me for a kit I didn’t want today that included things I am allergic to I called them and cancelled completely and they refunded today’s even though it’s all ready on the way. Another win-win.
I think it’s time to stop working as it’s 948 at night and do a little bit of my pointillism before I go to bed. I have had the handmaid’s tale on in the background. It actually gives me a lot of stress thinking this could be a real thing or knowing that there are women in the world treated that poorly. I have felt like a possession at times in my life so that could be what gives me the tightness in my chest when I watch shows like this and yet I am obsessed at the same time.
I never really got dressed today. I was outside a couple times trying to break up the snow that had compacted off the roof but it was impossible. Because of the rising temps the whole place continued to shudder occasionally when more let go and landed with a thud. Mostly I watched shows as I did my Jack picture. It is really coming along which of course makes me obsessed. I was assisting a client off and on and then just got to work on their books. I stopped for dinner, home made air fries and then kept working right up until now. I used to always work better in the evenings. I am pretty stuffed up, just took a prescription antihistamine and will tuck in soon. I even gave Ash my hockey ticket.
Although I got much done today, I was, in the back of my brain consumed with thoughts of my Booster shot later in the day. I have had a sore throat that seemed milder today and I have blamed it on it’s coming to be after the heavy use of Pinesol near my office earlier in the week. Although I would think that to be the norm, there was always the chance that I had picked up the virus. As I have not got a fever or extreme tiredness, nor a headache, I decided to go for it. It turned out to be a very pleasant experience with Claire, the woman giving me the shot. We chatted travel and she was entranced by my tales of Peru and the UK/Paris. Our mutual friend, Paula was the nurse in charge and she came over to give us the gears and get me that shot. I am now 3x Pfizered and like the others, feel nothing in my arm. I spent the next bit of time picking up a paper at my old Dr.’s office, making an appointment at my optometrist and enrolling at the new Urgent and Primary care clinic, hoping to get a new Dr. All of these were in the old Cranbrook Mall, which back in the day was a thriving commercial centre and seems to have found a repurpose as a medical mall. There you can see a physiotherapist, get and X-ray, rent from the Red Cross, get a CPAP machine or glasses, have your hearing checked, pick up a prescription, see a Dr and even grab a meal at the Spice Hut. It really is a great concept and there is plenty of parking and all on one level for easy access.
After shopping for groceries with my Noom lists in hand, I came home and unloaded all the healthy delicious choices, made some dinner, chatted with my Mom and messaged with my Auntie Trish in Washington state. She misses her family and at nearly 79 thinks she will never see her only child, my cousin Andrea in Alberta, again. I am sorry for her. I know she loves her little community she is in but no one can easily visit her now, nor for such a long time. I miss my semi-regular stops to see her.
After that I crawled into a tub and watched Red Notice. It was highly entertaining although Ryan may be type cast…
The other thing I did today was order a couple boxes of Rapid tests from a company in Vancouver. I am splitting a box with The Guedes’s and the other will be available upon private request from any cast and crew working on our show. I think that will give everyone involved another layer of comfort. They worked out to just over $10 each which is cheap security. Testkits.myzone.com
It was odd how many new foods I noticed at Safeway. I don’t know, if there are supply chain issues, there certainly are odd things getting through…
I was perusing my Twitter feed when I noticed a comment on my sons that made me laugh
The melt continues, can’t even tell how much shovelling I really did and I still can’t clear my side walk though as it is so dense
I have a bit of a headache so I took a couple Ibuprofen and look forward to no alarm tomorrow. Sweet dreams (or good morning!)
The scale was friendly again today and made me even more motivated to stay on task. I think the number 1 and 2 things I have changed the most are the amount of water I am drinking and the resistance to snacking endlessly at night. I am nearly out of green apples and I will need to get more as they are an easy go to. They taste good, have a satisfying crunch and are only 95 calories each. Far more enjoyable than the snack bag of chips (or 3). I am still having the occasional one of them but far less. I highly recommend the Noom program. https://www.talkable.com/x/3hbSjc
Went out to find the snow that fell off the roof had made a compacted mess and I couldn’t even shovel it all before I left. I was hoping it would be melted away when I got home but no such luck. Poor snowman had taken a hit as well but he’s a tough cookie and will live to annoy his partner again.
When I got to work and there was only one parking spot left at the back end of the row and I had to kind of sliding sideways to avoid the snowbank and the sidewalk. When I left work I was the only one there and it looked like I just was a terrible person practising asshat parking and like I had done a Tokyo drift to park there sigh.
Today was a combo of show and work and seemed to take forever to end. I came home and made a couple poached eggs with a little of my friend’s homemade dill dressing drizzled over them. It was delicious but I wish I’d had some sliced cukes or tomato to go with. I will have to make a proper shopping list soon. The rest of the evening was spent texting back and forth with my friend Mark , watching my shows and doing my picture craft. Drinking ta and water all evening was also good for me.
There is nothing much I can think about other than the snow crashing off my roof. There will be a peaceful period and then a huge thud that makes the cat leap out of her seat. I shoveled some of it when I got home but got nervous it would keep coming down on me so I will have to hope I can even move it in the morning. It even pulled the kayak hook right out of the wall.
Dinner was good but I had to get creative with the ingredients that were left after throwing out the frozen zucchini, spinach and parsley. I cooked up some pasta shells and layered them instead. It was tasty but a few more calories and I want to be careful as I have lost 6 pounds so far using Noom. I am learning to be more aware and choosy about my eating.
I am not feeling well but there has been a heavy use of Pinesol at work since the new janitor hasn’t started yet so the manager is cleaning during the day. It is irritating my nose and throat even if I wear my mask at my desk. I really do hope that is what the headache and irritation is about. I will take drugs and go to bed and see if I feel better in the morning. I will keep my distance as usual, just in case. I wish I could get a rapid test to be sure. I still have a sense of smell, so there’s that. I am going to be unimpressed if I have gotten the ‘vid.
I received an email that the show at Key City Theatre, 9 to 5: the musical, was cancelled due to the virus. I am sad for them, they put so much work into it and had one performance on New Year’s Eve. It was supposed to have a two week run starting this week. We have decided to keep going with our show until we hear we can’t. All precautions are being taken.
The day seems a blur again of work, CCT and FFPAS. There were moments of dropping and running, others of strict concentration to get payroll and remittances and sales taxes filed. The second banner was hung, concerns of close Covid connection were shared, Board meetings were attended, opinions shared…
The snow people are at it again. I have started a captioning post on Facebook due to the ongoing stress in their relationship.
I am so grateful to have super deals happening for advertising at the moment. One of the cast members works for two of the affiliated radio stations in town and was blessed by his boss with free ad spots. That is such a gift! He was also given permission to be interviewed with the Director at the other station in town. This was a surprise to both of us and will make for a great interview a week before the show opens. I made a time mistake on the press release but it is easily fixable and the rest of the press and posters going up is exciting. Things are rapidly moving along. I stirred a few pots today in and out of board meetings. That’s ok. I am not only here for my good looks, lol.
It is melting today and was freaky every time I stopped or cornered and snow began surging off my car. This was exacerbated by the fact that somewhere under my seats is a maraca that Emmy made out of a pringles can and popcorn kernels. It rolls around and sounds like something is oddly happening outside the car.
I listened to Bob Sagat comedy shows all day and he really was as crude as everyone said but you can’t help but be charmed and laugh at his delivery.. most of the time. Gone too soon, only 65.. sad.
I rushed home after we properly hung the banners to make my dinner but all the vegetables had been frozen before delivery. I reported it and hope for credit and just made the pork chops, seared in a pan and then air fried. DELICIOUS!
I just realized what time it is and that I should be in bed! I had a pretty intense day taking care of things for two paying clients and two non-paying gigs. I did enjoy it all and even got a walk in to go pick up the posters for the show as tomorrow is the big info release day. The article should be in the paper, we hung the one banner that arrived and will take care of the second one tomorrow, I prepped the posters by cutting the tear away slips and ripping one off to make people curious. It is a bit gimmicky but I hope it gets attention. The strip has the theatre website on it where you can buy the tickets. Every one took some posters and made a plan to hang them around town and in Kimberley. Once I got home, after supplying all the media info to Ashlée so she can make magic on our Facebook site, I ate some of the chicken I had cooked the other day and then started on the Christmas present she gave me last year. It was very good for destressing and I got lost in it. I only got two colour done but I am enjoying myself. And now to get some sleep!!!
I got up and made a coffee and settled in front of my puzzle, determined to finish it today. Mission accomplished!! I did get interrupted by a text to go for a walk with my neighbour and decided that was the exact thing I needed. As it turned out, I was right. The sun was shining, the conversation was great and the birds and icicles were fascinating.
I finished the puzzle and packed it away, madly began cleaning and then my friend Diane arrived with a scrumptious meal of shrimp and salad and fruit salad for dessert. We laughed and chatted and watched the 3rd and final in the Get Back documentary about the Beatles as we took down my tree together. My place feels huge with it gone. It was so nice to catch up and to feel safe to do so as we both are super Covid vigilant.
I settled to watch a show and got a message from my cousin to see if I was up for a call. She had been in Kimberley for the holidays to visit her 93 year old mom but we didn’t get to see each other to mitigate the risk. Two hours later we said goodnight. There are few people I can talk that long with on the phone. She is one of my people. There is nothing I can’t say to her, nothing that would shock her or make her love me less. She is a gift. I mean, I know I was a cute 2 year old when she met me.. what can I say. It was good to express my fears. I obsess these days about not being a burden to my kids. I am afraid that my mental health will turn me into someone that stresses them more than brings them joy. It is important to face those realities but it also keeps me living in fear of the future. I need to, as she reminded me, live in the moment and enjoy it. It is important to my mental health and really just to good quality of life on the daily. I will make it my mantra to just breathe and be. Here and now. I cannot control the future and will trust that no matter what I am loved and supported.. no matter what!
triumphgal 