triumphgal

I had a lot ruminating today about Black Lives Matter but I am worn out and need to give the subject full attention. I will, randomly, soon.

Today was tough, I am not going to sugar coat it. I think I am doing okay and then a wave of heavy settles in. I have to concentrate that much harder and I check and recheck myself. And then I make a mistake. Rarely do I make one I can’t fix and I am always grateful when I find out sooner than later. But, I beat myself up . My motto has always been ” you can’t call yourself a professional until you know how to fix your own mistakes”. Well, I was a Pro today… enough said.

I took on another’s pain today. It is the challenge of empathy. In order to help those I love most I must lay myself open to take some of what they are feeling. It is a deep connection but I have to quickly recognize what is mine and what is their’s, separate and compartmentalize to survive.

I took a break in the day, as it seemed to be starting to rain, to mow the side yard where I wanted to move the pool to. It was in a spot that was on too much of a lean and the water was slimey from pollen so I drained it into my flower beds which seem happier for it. Good thing I hadn’t added chemicals.

Once I was done my 8 hours booked time I started filling the pool in the new location. It has only a slight slant so should be much better. I was thrilled when Diane called to invite me to dinner, cake and firepit for Aiden’s 16th birthday. He is a great kid and I have had fun with him as my crib partner in the past. I don’t expect much relationship with a teenaged boy but honestly he is such a treat to chat and joke with and has a firm eye contact and very pleasant demeanor. His Mom was also there and it was lovely to meet her and see another family that works hard to do family right even after divorce. Those 2 parents and step-mom have done a great job-share. I joked when I gave him his present that I knew his parents must be fighting over who should give him a car for his birthday so I took the pressure off. I presented him with a model kit of the Stephen King car, Christine. He has never done a model before and I truly hope he does it and enjoys it as much as I used to.

And his birthday cake was Tiramisu!! Need I say more. (yes I came home with some for breakfast!)

so, I slept better with the machine but woke up with terrible foreboding, as if the string of loss was not over. I suspect it is really stress due to the fact I am about to make a huge life change, again, that will likely bring my income level down. That comes part and parcel with lowering stress on the job. I just have to budget and plan for the change. I am ultimately grateful for friends that I have made through work and that I now feel a part of their family. Shame they are planning to move to Vancouver Island in 2 years… oh, the place of my other life, I believe we will be connected for a long time.

I am comforted that this friend checks in on me, doesn’t let me be alone too long. Tonight was wino Wednesday with a delicious dinner and multiple crib games. It really was what I needed to escape for a bit.

I don’t have much to say today. I tend to introvert when I am processing and that is definitely what I am doing. I am draining my pool as the cover had blown off and it is slimey with pollen. As I need to move it to level anyway and I hadn’t put chemicals in yet I have multiple hoses in it aimed at garden beds and the maple tree so the water doesn’t go to waste. Gene plans to come over tomorrow to help set it up in a better spot and clean it.

I best get rest!!

I got a call yesterday from the place I get my sleep machine checked, etc. They were just doing a follow up to last time I was there. It suddenly occured to me that my ‘post nasal drip’ that may be causing the inflammation from my lungs up (no excuse for the parts below) could be because of my machine… I asked for a call from the Tech.

Now I know they aren’t Drs and I was mostly curious if others had complained of the same thing. I’ve had my machine for over 5 years now after testing out with Severe Sleep Apnea. The instant relief and snoring be gone was enough to convince me it wasn’t a passing fad.

The dear gentleman rattled off a list of things to try, moisture up, moisture down, heat down, full cleaning of all gear (which I don’t do enough, I will admit) and try to go without it until the symptoms clear, or at least to see if they do.. So, that was the option I took. Now, if you know about this particular malady, this is what happens:

Sleep apnea is a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts. If you snore loudly and feel tired even after a full night’s sleep, you might have sleep apnea.

If you think you might have sleep apnea, see your doctor. Treatment can ease your symptoms and might help prevent heart problems and other complications.

So here is how my night went…..

Nope, can’t get to sleep

Sigh, this is taking too long… oh goodnight

Huh, what oh I’m not dead, back to sleep

Argh, again.. what time is it, oh only 1:03, yay

Seriously, did a door slam?

Hmmmm hmmm, good thing I sleep alone…..

Am I hot, cold, tired, AWAKE Again?

and on and on until ever grateful that I survived the night, I pop out of bed an hour before my alarm.

I’ll take inflammation for 100, please Alex

So today was just a try hard to concentrate and not make any mistakes kind of day. I went early to the office to gather work only to find I was locked out as they switched to a number pad and didn’t tell me. Come to think of it the boss still hasn’t given me a code. Hmmmm Ah well, I have been applying for other jobs, wanting to balance my life a little better. Two weeks ago I had an interview for a 60% position with pension and benefits that I am very interested in and today I was called and told there was a 100% position in the organization that closes tomorrow night at midnight and it would not be a conflict if I were to apply. That is one of the nicest things I have had done by a stranger in a long time. I was grateful and did apply. I am at that age, perhaps less driven to impress a boss and more protective of my mental and physical health. At 57, a pension plan even for the next 10 is better than none.

I enjoyed my slow cooked pork roast and ziti, a glass of the Campbell’s homemade red wine and then the mug cake that Jake gave me when he was leaving. And now I am ready to tuck in. (with my machine)

Back to work today – meh, paid the bills, earned my keep, all is right with the world.

The first thing that truly made me smile was when Ashlée showed up with these:

Before Jake moved away he dropped all his daughter’s things at her Mom’s house which overwhelmed her and she promptly took a bag to the Mission Thrift Store which included two items that were very important to me. This happened on a Thursday and I found out late Saturday. The store wasn’t going to be open again until Wednesday so I emailed in hope. The lovely Ashlée, knowing I was out of town, went there and a lovely lady searched the donations and found them, still in the bag and gave them to us. Ash delivered them today. Bobot, as Sawyer used to call him spent time at my first house here with my little man and Jimmy was my sleep aid for years. Both are Scentsy creatures and I have the lavender packs that make them good cuddlers and they will now live at Nana’s house for kid cozy’s.

The second smile and giggle I had was when I posted the picture of my finished afghan or Quarantine Quilt on Facebook. The very first response was from Bob Pike, a splendid musician acquaintance in St. John’s, Newfoundland. It always makes me smile to see the diverse collection of friends I have and the things they choose to respond to. I know some of them are just coincidentally online at the time I post so it hits their newsfeed. Others I can tell, follow. The point is, it pleases me, otherwise why would I share? In the same breath I am supported with bucket loads of love when something horrible happens and appreciated for the silly things I choose to share as well. Someone recently asked me how I manage to maintain so many friends but it’s rather like a garden, different seasons, some pruning, some weeding, some careful watering, some manure but in general I just throw some love out and stand back to enjoy the beauty!

There was nothing about this day that made me want to wake up. During the night every time I barely came out of REM sleep I was doing the same bookkeeping entry over and over and over so I kept going back and back to sleep. When I eventually woke up I had a message from my dear friend Mary Lynn on Salt Spring and we called and talked each other. It was so good to hear her voice, it was so good to know what is happening in her life directly, right now. It is somewhat weird to have a friend who is not on Facebook, someone who you have to actually ask the questions and hear the answers and communicate with. I do love that about us, our old school relationship. I was left to feel somewhat grateful for being rem Ed from all that is SSI right now.

I watched a movie, The Half of It and it was charming, a take on Cyrano de à Bergerac. I went out and worked on the yard again A bit before going to Home Depot to source out fencing. There are lots of option, none just what I hope for. With the frost heaving here fences are a challenge.

When I returned I hooked up my new y and hose, brought all the arts of Jackie’s table in and put it together. I have so many amazing memories of being at her home when her husband and daughter were still alive and her son was visiting and we’d all sit around the table and play crib and have great dinners and when my son-in-law’s brother died he and his sister and their spouses came over and sat around that table and cried and drank and mourned. I was so grateful when Reid, her son, agreed that after her brain aneurysm when she had to give up her household that I could have the table. Our mutual friend, Barb brought it t La. La Hache, where I picked it up and brought it home and will treasure it for always.

I spent the rest of the evening puzzling and watching a movie The Lovebirds which is a funny little romcom sort of and now I will try to get some sleep as I go back to work tomorrow

I had an alarm set to wake and be ready for my Zoom visit with the ABCs. Part of me didn’t want to as I wasn’t up to small talk and part of me wanted to as I needed uplifting things in my life. I am glad I did. We were fewer than last time but it was a good nearly 2 hours of conversations about our rememberance of the trip, books and politics. Unfortunately the Bs couldn’t make it and I am concerned about the Yau’s young one who has ended up in hospital.

After that I sorted out all my parcels and mail, started laundry, delivered Tupperware to Danika and even had a squeeze of Emmy.

I went and borrowed a shovel from Rae-Anne and Roger and must admit that after all that has gone down I am only guessing they went to her Dad’s cabin as no one seems to be in town and I am sad about that. I am very grateful to my neighbour across the street, Tracey, who looked after everything while I was gone. Her 14 year old granddaughter broke both arms crashing her bicycle. Without a helmet, there is much gratitude that that is all that happened. My love also goes to my friends, the Campbells. They have welcomed me into their lives with gusto and Diane checks in on me regularly. Her Video calls keep me on my toes as I sometimes forget I am laying naked on my bed, lol. I am blessed by the friends and family I have.

I remembered to update my calendar with all the things that were planned including my Crown Prep which was supposed to happen months ago but my dentist was at the conference that someone ended up succumbing to Covid-19 after so he had to quarantine and then we all did. I will be grateful to get it done while I still have benefits.

I spent the better part of the afternoon making a bit of a landscape plan and planting all the bushes and plants I brought back with me. It was satisfying work and I hope they all take.

I am designing the front of my house to have a MC and Car carport and fence to close off the yard so there is no liability with the pool and more privacy. I will have to price out the timbers and already may have enough metal roof left from the house job which would be awesome.

While I was puttering today I really tried to process throught the death of Jen Quesnel. I know that I related it to my cousin’s death and seemed to have sympathy for the situation…. I was wrong.

My second and third marriages were abusive. Probably anyone who knows me couldn’t imagine me suffering abused wife syndrome but it is sneaky and I came to believe it was all my fault, that I deserved it. The 2nd one I only managed to leave when I felt he was threatening my children and mother bear kicked in. I hid from him and have not seen him in 28 years. I will admit to occasionally still looking over my shoulder. The 3rd one left finger prints around my neck, tried to get custody of my son (not his), cost me 18K+ and then after 14 years and 11 months agreed to divorce me once I agreed to drop over 11K child support he owed me.

I tell you all of this to understand that I should be the one calling it as it is but along the way even I felt somehow I had got what I deserved. I defaulted to trust. I trusted that what they thought of me was true. It was not. I am far, so fucking far, from perfect but I am a good, kind, loving human doing the best I can and most days that’s pretty good. I wanted to believe that they were not the bad men they turned out to be. How could they be? That would mean I had no radar for bad in my relationships.. somehow I still feel that we just didn’t get it right, they were not wrong.

AND THAT my friends is where this whole thing has gone wrong. My cousin was murdered, Jen Quesnel was murdered, friends of mine have been hurt and abused and mistreated in a myriad of ways as I was. These were not good men. They didn’t turn bad along the way. They were bad in their core. They must have been to have done the things they did to another human being, nevermind claiming it in the name of love. That is not love, I will not accept that that was love. I know better now but I feel it is too late for me. I don’t know how to default to trust again. They took that from me.

I pray that the community affected by this horror will value the love that is real in their lives, build on those relationships and honestly look in the mirror. If you do not see yourself as a person who is loved and cherished in your relationship, hell if you are reading this and recognize that you don’t love and cherish your partner as you should… GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!

Don’t be the next person. I personally am stunned that in less than three years I know two people who have been outright murdered by the person who should have loved them most. That is a bad statistic.

I am here for you, others are here for you. It doesn’t feel like it. You hope it will get better and you don’t want someone to hold it against your partner…. I get it. The alternative is far worse than a few awkward family dinners. Reach out, run away, find me, find someone, go anywhere and ask for help. You are worth it.

I slept and every time my eyes opened I would say ‘no’ and fall asleep again until I finally felt like I had had enough sleep to survive the day. I got up and started to organize things and headed upstairs where Rosie made me a delicious poached egg breakfast which I always think of her and perfect poached eggs. I spent time talking to uncle Brian about being apologetic for not remembering his heart surgery off the top of my head. Things like that scare me as I know that I must have known but if someone asked me did your uncle have a quadruple bypass I would say no. I can’t even truly begin to explain how amazing it was staying with these three people as they have known me since I was two and a half years old. They are my stepmother‘s family but in so many ways they have just been my core family growing up and as an adult I choose them as my people. It was so great to finally spend time with them in their new home I can’t even believe it’s this long since I saw them last. It seems impossible that there’s anything that I don’t know about them or they about me. I packed up all my stuff and took a few pictures, took a salmonberry plant with me and said goodbye. Not far away from their place is a kind of farmers market garden place and I saw that they had plants in the garden center on sale so I pulled in and spent a bit of time there picking out a whole bunch of plants for my place all 20% off and even if that did just bring them to regular price I’m happy to support a small market business. The drive felt long but I listened to Talking with Strangers and it’s incredibly interesting and well done in the way it ties together so many events in the world over so many different periods. It engages my brain, my curiosity, my need to think. I still have about 40 minutes left once I got home and will listen to it because it will wrap it all up. I pretty much just drove and listened to that. I stopped in Golden for my cotton candy ice cream and a coffee because I was feeling sleepy and continued on. After a while in the distance I saw something on the side the road and it looked like a cub sized bear so I pulled over and took a picture and then as I swung my phone to follow it I realized there were three cubs in the tree that I could see and they are small, like not even a foot and a half size so that must have been the mama. They were super cute and I managed to take some pictures and a video and just enjoy the moment. I have never seen little tiny bear cubs in the world and I’m glad that I was able to pull over safely and let all the traffic go by and they have no idea what they missed and then not a lot further down the road near radium was mountain sheep or goats. I don’t know, animals with horns walking across the road so I did manage to take a quick picture and break the hands-free rule and then head on home. the closer I got the happier I was and also the Satisfaction because it really was wonderful to be surrounded with all the love I had the last couple days but wouldn’t you know I had barely pulled in and was messaging people to say that I was safely home when Diane texted me to get together for dinner. As it was nearly 9 o’clock by the time we were making a plan we just got her stepson to go pick us up A&W and we played four handed crib for a few hours and it was lovely. it was just more family time and I appreciate it a lot and now I’m home and in my own bed with no alarm and black out curtains and my love tank is full even though it was so severely drained at the beginning of the week and I am grateful for all that I am and all that I have including you dear readers xoxo

I didn’t sleep very well or long and in the brightness of the early morning I decided to just get out of bed. I didn’t feel well at all though and I just sat on the couch dejected after realizing I had forgotten the crochet hook. I brought my blanket to finish. Rosie managed to find one I could work with. Eventually after watching the news and having a light breakfast I decided to head back to bed for a while. A couple hours later of tortuous brain defragging I got showered and dressed and went outside. Uncle Bryan and Auntie Lynne were puttering away at the landscaping and gardening. Having finished this place last year this is the first spring they’ve had to work on it and it is coming along beautifully. We used my Insect identifier app to try and deduce what is happening with the plum trees. There is a Neighbour cat, Max, who comes to visit regularly.

When I went back in Rosie agreed to shellac polish my nails for me as I had brought my supplies. This is not her thing but she did an amazing job and they look and feel great! I’m surprised as we kept laughing every time my belly turned on the dishwasher.

Then I was ready for rest and distraction again so we thought we’d go on her Shaw Bluecurve and sign in to my Crave to watch a movie. You should have seen our stunned faces and then uproarious laughter as we realized we signed her up for it on their bill instead. We watched Wizard of Lies about the Madoff ponzi scheme. I was aware when it was happening it not the whole story. Really quite incredible. Rosie went and picked up fish and chips, num! She and I then watched the Normal Heart with Mark Ruffalo and Julia Roberts. A good look at the fight for acknowledging the devastation of AIDS in the early 80’s

That was not uplifting, we should have chosen comedy.

I was honestly stunned when I noticed Uncle B’s chest zipper scar. Rosie told me all about his quadruple bipass at the end of 2018. I am sure I would have had to know about it. I have no recollection. Just relieved he is all better now.

I tried to stay off social media as much as possible today as when I checked in, there are some issues. SSI is grieving and differences happen then.

I finished the crocheted part of my blanket and now need to finish tucking in ends and block it out. It is big and heavy! Now I must rest as I will drive home tomorrow. I can’t believe how this stay here was so good for me. To be with loving family when you get bad news really helps.

I am doing better. Everything’s gonna be okay

I wanted to share the beauty of the day, I awoke to a beautiful breakfast, after preparation of snacks i was on the road to head from Blind Bay to Lac La Hache. my mission for this journey was to meet a friend from Salt Spring Island who was bringing a box of paperwork from a client and the dining room table of my friend Jackie that holds so many memories. This province is simply stunning. It deserves it’s motto of Beautiful BC. It was relaxing and I was entertained by listening to the Audible recording of Canadianity. I even laughed out loud a few times. It was good for the soul. I even found a moment when I had to pull over and take a video

I made it there and couldn’t spend much time. It was happy to see Barb and her gorgeous dog before I loaded up and headed back. I was once again lost in the beauty of the surroundings and starting to feel better again. I even stopped for an ice cream

I had just finished passing the same spot outside Savona and found myself amused when I saw a train now coming in the opposite direction of the video when I saw a message flash up from a dear friend that Matt Steffich had died. I was half way across a bridge and managed to hold down the feeling that I needed to vomit until I could safely pull over. I sat there and sobbed at the loss. He had had a heart attack at his studio and I only hope it was sudden and quick. This man has been one of the kindest people I have ever met. He was one of the first people that befriended me when I moved to Salt Spring Island as a single mom in 1995. He had this home that he invited me to to share his teepee, his hot tub, his life, his friends, his music, his j’ois de vive. One day I popped in to visit his art gallery which was then called Thunderbird and my eyes must have lit up at the new pendants he had for sale. He took one look, asked me which I loved best and hung it on his office wall telling me to pay whatever I could until it was mine. When I left to come on this road trip I thought of the pain my fellow Salt Springers were feeling and put on my Salt Spring heart as I have always called it.

Since I heard the news I have been clutching it. When I met him he played with a band called Three Chord Sloth, usually entertaining us at The Vesuvius Inn. Neither of those things exist any longer but when I was leaving Salt Spring in 2010 Matt pulled together the guys to play my going away party at my brothers and of course sang a little Hank Williams just for me.

One of the gifts Matt gave me was the love of Scotch, My Dad tried to get me to love it and he crashed his plane and died in 2004. That year in October, my Dad’s birth month, Matt had a Scotch tasting party at his gallery and I attended only to find that I like really top shelf. Since then I have always bought an expensive bottle to remember my Dad on the anniversary of the crash, Father’s Day and his birthday. June 3rd will now also be a day I drink in remembrance of the good men in my life.

I woke up and tried to process the events of last evening as I got things ready at home and packed my car and proceeded to head out. I have taken banked overtime for the rest of the week in order to meet friends from Salt Spring Island in Lac La Hache BC as they have brought some important paperwork and a table that was my dear friend Jackie‘s and will now be in my dining room. What started out as a plan for an enjoyable trip across the province after all of this at home time has now become a trip of sorrow thanking of all the people that are hurting from the terrible event last night. As the day went on it became clear that the news was out and more and more people were reaching out to me to find out who it was. I tried to respond with only the facts that I knew and not read anything into it as it’s not my story. As I drove towards Blind Bay where I am staying tonight I avoided the radio and social media, choosing to listen to an audible book. I chose Canadianity so I would be entertained and distracted. As it happened I was distracted by road conditions and calls from clients who didn’t know I wasn’t at work and I was happy to help them. I am fortunate to be able to see the software in my head and talk them through what they needed to do on my hands-free connection. As I drew near to uncle Bryan & Auntie Lynne and Rosie‘s new house which I have never seen before I pulled over and suited up in my new rain poncho and mask and some gloves and showed up at their door that way so that I could get big hugs from them. Their new house is so beautiful as they built a co-owned shared style duplex with stunning views of the lake. We had a lovely dinner together and great conversations. it was just so good to be with them again. I am tired now and doing this voice to text on my cell phone but I mostly just wanted to say how grateful I am for the love and support from family and friends and that my heart is with those who are suffering the terrible loss in the small community on Salt Spring Island.

I wanted to write about all the great things that happened in this day, the eve of my vacation time. I wanted to keep the great feeling I had after an exhausting day of payroll for so many companies that was improved by an invitation to the office for a bevie after work to celebrate tax season officially being over. I wanted to keep smiling after the strata board meeting in my yard followed by jello shooters my boss sent home with me. I wanted to just be grateful that my daughter’s trip to emergency and a cat scan showed nothing horribly wrong. I wanted to make lists and pack and be excited that I had managed to arrange a client’s paperwork to be brought to Lac La Hache from Salt Spring where I am going to pick up a table from my dear friend Jackie and that Jake’s missing bed slats will be brought there by me to connect with him in Vancouver. It all seemed to be a perfect day…

and then I received horrible news about friends on Salt Spring Island. This is a community I lived in for 15 years. The place where both my son and i grew up in many ways. My heart still thinks of it as home. I don’t know all the details and I don’t want to spread tales until they are public, official news. I don’t want this to be about me, but I am sitting here, triggered (God I hate that word but it is the easiest way to explain it) by the events that unfolded there this evening. What I have learned reminds me of the murder suicide in my family. I lost my cousin Kelly when her husband Roger out of fear of losing her killed her and then himself. That was the wild fire summer of 2017. I wonder how similar the Covid Spring of 2020 is to many. Evacuation, isolation, fear of loss and the unknown. Some minds just snap. The final action does not undo the love for the person who clearly loses their mind even for a split second.

My heart is heavy, my tears are for all my community and I wish we could be together and hug and grieve.

I am Salt Spring xoxo