triumphgal

It is 9:30 and I can hardly keep my eyes open as I woke at 4:20, tried to go back to sleep and was processing work in my head so ended up at my desk before 7. I got a lot done today, like a great deal. I even was able to go to the theatre and arrange proper internet for the whole building. Maureen had done the footwork, arguing deals and then I met with the installers and made a plan. I was thrilled to find Jared arrive as he is the electrician who helped me when I blew the power the first day in my new place. He has been working for them for a couple years now and was able to see why we have a problem with a buzz in the lines. They are going to get us up to speed, so to speak! And Armando, well he just has the best head of hair I have seen in a long time, I am jealous.

That brings me to the subject I have been avoiding. I have been vainglorious around the head of hair I have been blessed with. No matter what colour or style it has been thick and luscious. And now as I am growing out my shaved side, letting it be long and natural, it is thinning substantially. I have been aware of large amounts coming out in the shower and in my pick. I really noticed I can see my scalp and I have never been able to before. I suspect it is a side-effect of the stress and whatever else is going on with me. I sure hope to hear from the specialist soon.

On another note, I am really happy to see how much Christmas is popping up everywhere. Even the space I work in took my advice to cover the shelves, where the dishes we can’t use are, with wrapping paper. They look so lovely, I will try to remember to take a picture tomorrow. Every one seems to be doing well settling into the rules of our Covid safety plan. Well, most are. Some really odd things happen that make me go hmmm but I think those are moments when someone just forgets.

I feel less reactive today, still pretty exhausted but it all makes sense, so much has gone on. My depression has almost always been anger suppressed and turned inwards. A few things including being yelled at by Fred, being disrespected by others had left me feeling out of control and silenced. It is that invisible hand over my mouth that sucks the life out of me, that drags me down, that convinces me that on some level I deserved to be treated that way. I go into self protection withdrawal mode. I am blessed to be doing this blog as it lets me voice some of it and gives people who care a peek into where I am at. Not everyone can cope with the sharp tongue and abrasive attitude but those who do are key to letting me vocalize and let loose what should not stay in my brain. I am grateful for them.

I told my Google Home that I was depressed and it replied that it wished it had arms so it could hug me and to remember that not everything my brain tells me is true. That is the truth.