Today was like walking through mud. I didn’t sleep well, and I was up earlier than usual to be at the lab for when it opened at 7:30 to wait for my necessary ASAP bloodwork. I came away just short of an hour later with a wristband to wear until the surgery as my blood was typed and it will be brought in from the Calgary blood bank as far as I know. i have a C-antigen from a blood transfusion in the ‘80s and it has to be the same for surgery. I received a call to book the a anesthesiologist to call me a week before and the date is set for the 31st. I had some serious conversations with a few people who need to know, to ensure they will have coverage for payroll before the date and I have one more to talk to tomorrow. I made a strong man cry and my heart was filled with love from all directions. I had to notify the Board at the theatre that I am stepping away from the Tech Director position and that was hard. It is the best choice for all involved at this point. I was so tired all day and got what I had to done, coming home early hoping for a nap. That is not something my body would give in to so I just rested until Rae -Anne picked me up to go for dinner at The Firehall. I had way too many calories of a delicious dinner, a shared dessert and an expensive glass of wine. Hopefully it didn’t undo the good news that I am down 25.5 pounds as of today. I enjoyed our talk but am done in. It is only 8:49 and I am ready for bed so I will take the lead of my body and go. It was all too much to process and this is only the beginning. Once this shock has completely worn off I shall begin the positive affirmation journey I deserve. Stand by for more shmaltz in the future. For tonight, adieu.
Today was so productive, the sun was shining, most things were right with the world…
At 2:30 I got a call from the Surgeon/Gynecologist who I was referred to for the ‘simple cyst’ found in my abdomen when I was in the hospital over the New year of 2020-21. I had seen him in September of 2021 and he reviewed the most recent ultrasound to assure me that he was adamantly sure it was not Cancer (the only time he mentioned that word and the markers he would look for) but to reassure me, we should do another ultrasound in January and see if I would like to have it removed or just have a test once a year to monitor it. I put it out of my head at that time. January and February were very busy for me and I didn’t even note that I hadn’t received a call from Radiology. Last Thursday I left a message and on Monday had the Ultrasound. Today at 2:38pm I received a call from Dr. Rode telling me it had to come out and I would be booked on March 28th or 31st. I lost track of how many times he said the word Cancer. It was surreal. He gave me the run down of what will happen, best case scenario, and all the worst ones. That story ends with me going to Vancouver. I was in shock, went to his office to sign all the paperwork and pick up the requisition for blood work as I have a C-antibody that makes me have to give my own blood or have it specifically brought from the blood bank and he was concerned about it getting done n time. I will go tomorrow morning to the lab and wait until I get in. I drove around, pulled over and called my son and my Mom, then stopped in at Ashlée’s where she recorded the conversation to share with Rae-Anne as she was still at work. I then went for a drive, calling a friend whom I had promised to keep apprised and showed up for my volunteer stint at Key City Theatre. The volunteer manager was so kind and after a night of bar tending and making happy chit chat, she let me leave before all the clean up as the shock had worn off and I needed to get home. I stopped at the liquor store and bought an expensive bottle of Scotch, pouring only two fingers when I got home. I talked to a few other people, sent messages that needed to be sent and then FaceTimed my dear friend who constantly reminded me to breathe and made me laugh. Tonight I am exhausted from the shock, angry at the casual attitude over a year ago to a simple cyst and am trying not to be terrified. I need positive energy, this stowaway needs to go. Or maybe I should call it my Dark Passenger (I do love Dexter). For now I will be grateful it was found and try to relieve stress in my life to focus on all things healing and wonderful. All thoughts and prayers gratefully accepted.
It was so peaceful today. I finished a couple year ends and more. Part way through the morning I got a call from the people I got my CPAP machine from saying the call later would be later than they thought. It was not on my radar at all so it wasn’t a problem. Later in the afternoon when the tech called he said that he had instructions from my sleep clinic night in July to adjust my machine!!! Good thing it wasn’t life or death but he had to log in and fix my pressure levels and I was given instructions to adjust the temperature and humidity when I got home. It is supposed to help with the nasal drip in the mornings. Seriously, over 7 months to deal with it.. sigh. He did second what the Dr said, that my apnea is very severe and not to go without the machine. He also said the ozone cleaning machine I have hooked up could damage the interior of my machine and I should not use it. They don’t even sell them at their business. Dang you, William Shatner, I believed you and bought one.
I cooked a couple Beyond Meat burgers last night and had one for lunch in a Romaine lettuce leaf. It was delicious!!! Too bad there are so many chemicals in them.
Once again I woke up to a fair amount of snow that was gone by the time I got home. I took the evening to finish off my Diamond Point picture that Rae had given me. I really like it. Next I will start my big Marvel puzzle. I will have to clear the whole table.
Happy International Women’s Day to all the women, everywhere, especially those in all the war torn areas and refugee camps. I am sending my love, it’s all I have.
I did a few chores and headed to the office. It’s another beautiful day. Took care of a few payroll, and was scheduled for a client in office at 3 when I got a call from the hospital to say they had an ultrasound appointment available at 3:30. There was no way I was going to miss it so I rescheduled the client and made sure I was there. It is a most uncomfortable experience having an internal and external ultrasound. The tech wouldn’t tell me anything, so now I wait to see if the mass in my abdomen has grown since it was discovered in January 2021. I intend to have it out. The only difference will be if it has to happen right away or can be scheduled later. It has to be soon enough to heal before MusicFest in July or not until after that. I had compartmentalized my worry over it and now it has moved to the forefront again. I stopped at the market instead of the liquor store and picked up a calorie free non-alcoholic gin and calorie free tonic. Sometimes the mind just needs the idea of having a drink after stress. It turns out it is just as delicious as the rum by the same company.
I slept in after a very late night. Went for a walk with my Neighbour Tracey in the gorgeous sunshine, sorted my bottles and recycles, and puttered about. I dropped off everything and then went to the office for a while to ready my reports for the FPPAS AGM and update my spreadsheet for MusicFest. I like getting those things done uninterrupted. Afterwards I wandered Safeway to gather provisions for the next while. It was so peaceful there and the check out lady was lovely. I purchased some pretty flowers for myself in honour of International Women’s Day on Tuesday. There was a deal on three types and I chose my faves out of those available; Freesias, Shasta Daisies and striped Carnations. I didn’t get home until nearly 8 and made Panko Crusted Cod as I had already thawed it out. I served it up with a side of sliced cucumbers and it was so very delicious. I am really happy with my progress with Noom and have solidly lost 24 pounds in two months now. I have so much more energy and no problems with breathing. Today I didn’t even tak my pill to help with heartburn. The only think I am experiencing again is the ‘brain slosh’ which is unnerving. I may go to physio again to see if he can do the ‘maneuver’ once more in case my crystals are out of place in my ear. I hope that is all it is. I feel like things are falling back into place in my universe.
Good-byes come in many forms, each takes a different kind of processing. today encompassed three types for me.
I had set my alarm for 9 to be ready for our regularly scheduled Zoom meeting with the ABC crew and rolled awake at 9:38 in time to brush my teeth, throw on something presentable, make a coffee and sign in. It happened that Carol-Ann and I were the first two on and I took opportunity to ask one question about her daughter’s death. ‘Accidental or intentional?’ I was gobsmacked by her reply…. Murdered. I was glad I asked because she was able to share the story with the group of us as they joined in and it allowed her to talk freely about the situation that is still under investigation. It turns out Ciara was the one in the news that I had seen but not known. I won’t speak of all the details but it was in the news that her body was found in her car. This was so shocking and explained so much as she was actually doing so well in life and it didn’t make sense that anything had happened of her own doing. The group was so supportive and I am glad we were there for her to share and be cared for.
The next on my list was to FaceTime with my Jackie as it was her birthday. As always I had to do the talking and it is so clear in her responses that she understands completely and happily communicates with her facial expressions and sounds. I so miss her words and am grateful for the ability to connect and laugh and sometimes cry together. I miss the friend I knew but love the one I still have.
Early in the day a friend reached out to see if I wanted to go for dinner and I was really looking forward to it as he will be leaving town soon. It was a wonderful visit that began at 5:45 when I met him at the Heidout and just ended with me arriving home just before 1 am. I haven’t had a great night out and visit like that in literally years. We talked and talked, laughed and ate and then went to see a movie with another friend of his. (The Batman was longggggg and dark and neither of us loved it). I will miss him when he leaves even though we haven’t stayed besties. Deep connections don’t have to happen every day to make a friendship real and this was real. I hope to visit him wherever he ends up in the world.
The best part of today was basically ignoring email and just staying in the moment, feeling everything as it came along and processing the different losses, being grateful for knowing Ciara, Jackie and Varghese. They are all good people and I am thankful to (have) had them in my life. Saudades
I also took time to strip my bed and after the sheets were washed, hang them on the line. From a snowy day yesterday to laundry on the line today… Springtime is nigh. I probably should have brought them in before I left for dinner as they may be covered in snow again when I awake, but they will be fresh!
Started the morning with fresh wet snow and my own banking to take care of. As usual February ends and something of mine has fallen by the wayside. Fortunately I took a call and made a payment that was missed without any penalty. The first couple hours at work was a phone consult with clients in Kimberley. They are lovely humans and need reports from me to apply for their permanent residency status. Next I was picked up by Stacey to go for lunch at the Firehall. It is burger month to raise money for the Foundry at about 10 restaurants in town. This was the one that looked the best to me and I was happy to spend the calories. It was called the Duchess of Dinktown and was downright delicious. Burgers are not my go to but I discovered that I LOVE dill infused cream cheese. Had a great visit with Stacey as well! Next was back to the office to meet briefly with the president of the CCT Board and then head to Arby’s for a photo op receiving their donation to Summer Sounds that FPPAS puts on. I got back to the office and made all the payments for a client before the staff is away next week for training. Then around 5 I shut off the timers and started working on MusicFest stuff finally. I entered 94 people in as proper contacts to my Gmail and then individually invited them to be part of the crew this year with the explanation of the protocols. I have changed my email so wanted to do it individually in order to avoid group email going to junk folder. I am late to the party as I was supposed to have it done at the beginning of February but… well, February. As it happens, the positive responses have been rolling in. I can’t wait to see the usual suspects and meet some new partners and friends of regulars who wish to be involved as well. I need 69 people to fill out my crew and hope that won’t be hard to fill. It may be a challenge for me to recognize everyone but I am starting to get excited. I got home after 9 sometime and have been relaxing and basking in a day well spent. I look forward to tomorrow’s ABC Zoom meeting.
It is difficult not to put my head in the sand these days, was odd to be at a hockey game, knowing what is happening in Ukraine. Just as I was pulling in to pick up Ash to go to the game, I heard on the news that the Russians had bombed a Nuclear plant and were shooting at firefighters trying to put out or control the fire. The person talking said that if the plant blew up it would be 10 times worse than Chernobyl. That is a terrifying bit of information. I am not going to check the news tonight, I want to sleep in my peaceful corner of the world and pray for it all to be over before that happens.
I received a text from my oldest cousin, Dale, that he was making dinner and listening to the Joshua Tree, my favourite album and that he was thinking of me. He had asked his Mom what was the next generation up that lived in Ukraine but she didn’t know. I do need to work on that side of the family tree more. It is hard as my grandparents were John and Anne, two common names. It has been very surprising how many people I know that have ancestors from that area. Canada has a large Ukrainian population.
The game went into sudden death overtime against the Salmon Arm Silverbacks and we won which was a nice ending to the evening. We came out to snow showers, sigh. The family trip to Drumheller is booked for hotels now and I look forward to the May Long Weekend to get away with them all.
I really enjoyed my day, crossing off more of the list that was left from last month was very satisfying. I went from the office to the Volunteer Update meeting at Key City Theatre. It is one of the great pleasures I have, engaging with the other volunteers and contributing to the success of that venue. I often get to sit in for part or all of the show being staged as well. Tonight was the ‘hey we are back at it!’ Night where we were told of the changes and updates to the theatre. We were the first group to enjoy a glass of wine in the theatre proper as there is now a liquor license that is all encompassing. After that we had a fire drill and that was good to know the new procedures as well. It was nice to see familiar and new faces out. There was cake afterwards, thankfully vanilla, so easy to turn down, lol.
On my way to the theatre I listened to a segment on CBC about a woman who is going to spend upwards of 50 thousand dollars to clone the cat she’d had for 10 months before it was hit by a car. I do not understand the need to do this but as she said, it is her disposable income that she can spend any way she likes. Each to their own.
All of this trauma going on in the world, especially that being caused by Russia, has had me continuing in my search for ‘the other side’ of my family. To recap…I spent my whole life identifying with the French Canadian portion. My Grandad, Ernie Bellavance was a man with an amazing memory and from early on I sat at his side and listened to stories of his youth in and around Radville, Saskatchewan. He was proud of his roots and would bring us yearly to the Radville reunion, usually held in Queen’s Park in New Westminster. He would speak in poetry and French, singing ditties. All of these moments and my name, led me to relate completely to the French Canadian identity only. I grew up in a very multicultural neighbourhood before that was even a phrase. Everyone seemed to have a cultural history and I wanted one as well. Due to the tragedy of my mother and sisters deaths when I was only 3 months old and my young father’s capacity to survive in spite of the trauma, I was never really connected with my Mother’s family. Over the years I found a clipping that my Dad’s Mom, Juanita was a Houghtaling of German decent and that my birth Mom’s family was Polish/Ukrainian. The problem with identifying as any of those things was that kids are cruel. I was often asked if I had a frog in my pocket for ID, there was no way I was going to admit to the other side as the ‘Pollack’ jokes were numerous. I was always curious about that part of the world though. I was given a bunch of paperwork including a copy of my mother’s death certificate which said she was Romanian. Right part of the world but nothing I had heard before. I do find it interesting though as I use Gypsy Fortune Telling cards, had to have them when I saw them. I know it’s new age bunk in many people’s minds but I find solace in them. The abundance of opportunities to have DNA tested led me on a hunt for more connection in the world. I was not disappointed. It seems I am mostly a solid mix of East and West Europe. French and German on one side, Polish and Ukrainian on the other with a sprinkle of the British Isles, Mediterranean and Indigenous thrown in. Funny thing is none of this comes as a huge surprise… I had a number one desire to see Peru (done), next was London and Paris (done, but want to go back), after that, the Mediterranean and Black sea countries, especially Ukraine. I also relate well to Aboriginal Peoples. I was curious to look up the names in my family history and did so on Forebears website. It’s quite fascinating how my mother’s maiden name is predominantly in Ukraine, my Dad’s side is in the US and Canada.
I still want to visit that area, I have hope that the superpowers will end this war before the destruction of much more. Word on the radio today was that Poland has already taken in more than 600,000 refugees. It is heartbreaking watching fathers say goodbye to their children as they go off to serve.
There must be an end to this. I mean this, not in a selfish, I want to tick this off the list but in a stop the insanity kind of way.
Tonight I had a zoom attendance of a celebration of life for a beautiful soul. Ciara was only 31, mother of 11 year old, Lily, daughter of my dear Carol-Ann, sister to Kyle and Shawn. They had lost her Dad to Cancer when she was young and those were his words of advice the night before he died. I knew Mark and he was, like his daughter and his wife, full of a special type of joyfulness. I ache for the family, especially young Lily. The service was beautiful, the faces and voices gathered in love, like a memory book of a time before. I am so grateful to have been able to join in and celebrate the wonder that she was. I will not forget her and I will hold her Mom close when next we meet.
This afternoon was a perfect strike of the set and a good thing as I have run out of steam. I think my internal clock was just getting me through to closing night. After organizing the strike, re-aiming some lights and being sure all was left as we found it I headed home feeling like I needed a nap… for hours…
I sure was grateful to Bill and Deanne for inviting me for steak dinner. It was like a delayed Family Day time together and we were all making a plan to go to Drumheller in May. We are planning to stretch out the long weekend. I am looking forward to it as I have never been there. It actually works out perfect between payroll days, etc. Maybe I won’t even have to bring my laptop! Dinner was so good, I wasn’t especially able to follow much as the deep tiredness was settling in. Apparently Ash was feeling the same way. It was nice to see the boys and hear the story from Sawyer of what happened to the person who got hit. Turns out it was a hit and run!! The boys were expert witnesses.
I am happy for the opportunity and friendships made or deepened through this show but I am also ready to move on to all the other things put on hold for February.
Today was a respite from the world around us. I pretty much only worked on the last things to do for the show and closing night gathering. It was a spectacular day and I soaked in the glory of the snow covered mountains that still give me joy every time I see them. The guys blew away the audience with their best show yet and the audience responded like a laugh track. It was largely a theatre peeps show and they pick up on every nuance. What a great way to finish. The energy was carried on to the Blind Pig where we gathered as a cast and crew and all involved that could make it. The food was good and the company was better. I had a couple beverages.. mmm crown. Our sponsor, Keon from Just Music arrived and I ran out to my car to get his thank you gift. As I was going out I complimented a woman coming in on the scarf she was wearing and she asked me if the kitchen was still open. We had a laugh as I explained it was as we were having a party. She had thought I worked there. Everyone left and I settled my tab and passed her table. I stopped to ask if they enjoyed their food. She asked me if there was an Ashlée sitting at my table and I laughed and said yes, that’s my daughter. It turns out they are co-workers who have never met except by zoom. We had a great chat and she is a nurse who moved to Cranbrook only 3 years ago, just in time for the pandemic. She looks forward to getting more involved in the community and wishes she had made time to see the show. I read once that it is seen in Britain as a judgement if you talk to strangers, that you are common, but you know, I always will. I have made so many quick connections in my lifetime by following my instincts and chatting. Call me common, I’m okay with that.
We are definitely living in complicated times. Just as Canada is getting over the painful showing of ‘a need for freedom’ we see the truth in what the rest of the world has to deal with. I ache for the people who are hiding in fear, unable to comprehend. My early years were under the shadow of the Vietnam war. Back then, as children we were protected from it for the most part, only fully learning about it in school. I knew my grandfather and his brothers served in WWII and that all came home. As I aged and became more aware of world events, as media became more connected, I became aware of horrors all over the globe. It all seemed so distant though, not in my world…
The older I get the more I realize this is all my world. When others hurt, are made less than, are overrun, we all suffer on this planet. It is incomprehensible still that any human being could think that bombing and killing and destroying historical places of beauty is… okay. Who raised these people, where are their mothers, how are they so broken that they only wish to break others? I earnestly pray for a quick end to this madness. I heard on the radio that if the Ukraine had been a member of NATO, this would be considered WWIII, but as such we are just sending lethal aid and imposing sanctions. It feels like a World War from here.
In the smaller world I live in, today started with a family text that the two youngest grandsons had witnessed an adult being hit by a car in front of their school. They were likely not alone, and the kids were given crisis counseling and seem ok. Terrible for a 7 and 10 year old to witness. The show tonight was amazing, the guys energy was all there and the audience was responsive. Hard to believe tomorrow is closing night.
Nose down in the books today, intermittently being interrupted by the news. Russia has launched an attack on the Ukraine. My heart hurts deeply for a country rich in history, art and music. One of my favourite bands to listen to is DakhaBrakha. I even have Emmy listening to them when she is here. I was introduced to them at MusicFest and was pleased to see them in a small venue as well. They are from Kyiv. I worry for them and their loved ones. How do we live in a world that this can still be happening?! It is hard to stomach that there are so many atrocities on this small planet.
The show was amazing tonight, Matt left it all on the stage. After seeing so many nights already, he choked me up again. I picked up the new laptop today and was pleased that the resident expert felt it a good choice for the tech needs. While I was waiting for him I saw an employee leaving for the day. She had to put her purse and lunch bag on the counter to be looked in before she left. This disturbed me. Apparently it is common practice in retail but I do not think it was appropriate to do it in front of customers.
I have one client to get entered tomorrow and file their GST. I have a good feeling about it. The only negative right now is that I still can’t find my set of keys. Fortunately I have my car and theatre ones. I lost the mail, office and bank fob which is the biggest issue. I am going to keep searching and then if not found we will report it and cancel it on Monday. I purposely did not have it with my car keys so it couldn’t be identified to me… sigh.
The last stretch of the show, the first of the last 4 was tonight and there was a nice sized house. It was odd how little they laughed. On nights with only 8 people there was more heard. I often wonder what that means. I don’t think it was the cast. Their energy was a little lower tonight but, who knows. Keon showed up to drop off something I was having him take care of and then went home and researched what laptop I should purchase. It was approved at last nights meeting that I could buy one to run the recording software for the switch. He found a good one at Staples and I am ordering it online tonight for pick up.
I managed to lose my keys between getting my mail last night and showing up to work unable to get into my office. Fortunately the space has a spare but I need to find them. I will look under my seat in the morning to see if they fell out of my pocket.
Dates are interesting. The fact that today is the same upside down and back and forth if put in the British style of dates and lands on a 2sday has everyone in a fuss. It is interesting and I do love 2s. Many of my favourite things come in 2s.
It was another day of heavy concentration. Much was accomplished and I feel like I will get it all done this week as needed. Straight from there to a Board meeting where much was talked through. It was not all smooth but good choices were made, in my humble opinion.
It is really cold out, -17 that feels like -21 apparently. I walked to the mailbox without gloves and highly regretted it. Even Missy had no interest in going out when I opened the door and the cold drafted in.
Today was a bonus day of sorts. I slept in a bit and then made a nice breakfast, got some more chores done and then headed to the office for 5 hours. I got the last of my T4s filed and started on a big file that needs to be completed. There are 4 left for this week. I will get them done. Just need to stay focused and prioritize. Getting home to one last Hello Fresh was so nice and easy. It was tasty, filling and light. There was snow when I woke up and it didn’t even all melt away although it was a blue sky day. There is cold weather again this week. It is -14 C and the moment and is forecast to go down to -24 by Wednesday. I hope that won’t keep people at home rather than the play. Will be interesting to see what the numbers are tomorrow. I wonder if I should feel bad about not seeing family this weekend. They are busy and I await an invitation to join. It’s ok though. I am good alone. It is just a little unsettling as to what the future looks like. Today was just another day.
Who am I kidding, I was becoming allergic to my house as I hadn’t vacuumed, dusted or fully cleaned in too long. I spent a good deal of time, even washing curtains and carpets that were covered in cat hair. I emptied my full bump out front window, cleaned, wiped down and reorganized. I picked up a corner metal rack that fit and now holds my glass collection. The other corner window now has a spot for Missy to sit or curl up and look out. There was a mess of nose prints on that window where she would peer through to see what was going on outside. It was a big job and I got all rooms done except the den which has a lot I need to sort and a box to go to good will. I completed my day with a nice soak in the tub and feel much better. It was good to have the time to. I probably ‘should’ have worked on MusicFest, or books, or… but I did what was necessary for my health and happiness instead.
