06-20-26 Day 50
Last night was so so very tough. At one point, I thought to plug my phone into the power bank and pull up YouTube and search the best versions of amazing Grace and Leonard Cohen hallelujah as those are the ones that mom wants played in her memory. I chose Il Divo for the first and a live version of the second. We played it on the loop for each song for a bit and then ended with playing a mixed playlist of Elvis her favourite whom she met when she was 16 I am told but I think maybe a bit older. It really calmed her and I got some more sleep until about 6 AM when the sun beating in through the blinds and heating up this room like a sauna made it impossible for me to keep sleeping no matter how much I need to.
The good thing is that later in the day when she was feeling stressed, I asked her if she wanted me to play the music and she was able to mumble yes and daughter had a wee bit, which let me know that it had worked last night as well
Mom‘s very dear friend Judy Cave came at 9 AM with coffee for Rae-Anne and I and breakfast sandwiches and then stayed with Mom for a couple hours while Rae and I went to the apartment. In all of the chaos, I had worked hard to make sure everybody got the things that they wanted and that granny wanted them to have, but I hadn’t actually taken a moment to have feels about what I would want to have. We spent some time sorting through things and pack one tote and some bags for me to take home to deal with at a later date. I actually almost ran back in to the apartment when I realized I had forgotten her kilt. It is way too tiny for me probably for any of us, but it meant so much to her that I had to make sure that I kept it from going to the thrift store. Ashley showed up and I left the keys so that she could keep sorting things and uncle Bryan & Lynne join her to pack boxes for the thrift store. I also went and gave notice verbally to be out of her apartment by 30 so we don’t have to pay another months rent as it is very expensive being that it includes meals and support and we are using none of that for me and June it has once again been very expensive storage $3500 a month
I was truly grateful for Judy being there and then other people showed up so that when I arrived, Greg was there holding her hand and I could be not worried. At one point it was myself Rosie and Donna here and I needed to go ahead to the audition for Cranbrook community theatre that I had booked sometime ago and there is a role that I very much want. Just before I left it was the time to give her her anti-anxiety medication so it was the best time for me to leave as she cling to my hand.
I was so grateful to put her walker in Donna‘s car to take to the Kimberly loan cupboard taken care of by the hospital auxiliary. Rayann also managed to find a home through her church for a woman who can really use Mom’s electric chair. It is a little bit worn, but it was that way when we bought it and I got a great cover off Amazon and took it home and washed it so it is all good to go.
Mid afternoon I had to takeoff so Donna and Rosie stayed with her. I had an audition for the community theatre that I had booked some time ago and I did not want to bail on it no matter the cost. It is a group of peers that I am auditioning for, but I wanted to do it right because there is a part in Blood Relations being put on this fall that I really want. Because of everything I didn’t have a memorized piece so I just grabbed one of the monologues off the counter and March into my audition to do a cold read. my friend immediately asked how are you doing Marnée and I said not to be rude, but could we have this conversation after I do this?
It turns out that the first line of the model that I grabbed to Reid was is very young when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and there was nothing left to do but let her die
Suffice to say I nailed that audition and afterwards I even laughed and told them that that was an Oscar winning performance and explain the things that are going on in my world right now
I was offered hugs and then I was asked was there a specific role I was hoping for to which I replied that I am 63 years old, 5 foot three and over 200 pounds and that is the actual dimensions of Mrs. Borden the real life human that The play Blood Relations includes. I got big hugs and thank you for coming in spite of everything going on and just said hey mom wouldn’t let me cancel.
The family that is on the other side of our palliative care lounge acknowledge me when I went in to get a glass to pour a drink and I just smiled, but then a little bit later they came one of them to the door with a plate and we have meat and cheese and goodies here. Would you please come out with some food and it was funny cause only five minutes before I had said my stomach was growing as Rae and I had eaten so long ago. The spread was great of meat and cheese, etc. and vegetables, but I did speak up and say say well. The only thing I can offer is some crime royal, and everybody laughed and out of the group of about 10 of them, they all pointed at one woman who turned it out to be MaryAnn. We had a very good laugh, went and got some ice and I shared my car with her.
A while later when I was sitting with Mom, the door between our rooms opened and Uncle Tom had a full plate of fruit and vegetables and cheese and crackers for me and a muffin same. I did not take enough and he knew that I needed to eat. It’s amazing that we are both losing the matriarchs in our family and people have come from everywhere and yet we are here supporting each other.
Mom has not regained much consciousness today as far as communication, but it’s lovely that she overhears us because she has responded to a couple of things out of nowhere. when we are debating subjects. 
It was good to have an emotional moment and I went to my nurse of the day damn and said I need the book titled mama’s dead. What do we do now?
He was very confused by that at first and then realized what I was asking. I know the palliative care part and I know the funeral home part but I didn’t know what would happen in between.
He got a special team nurse trying to come and meet with Greg and I and we had a good talk so that Greg could understand what I had learned. We also found out from cousin Donna that we could put mom’s ashes in with her dad and mom and just put a plaque and that it is a lot cheaper than a full gravesite. It actually isn’t about being cheap so much as this will make mom happy. I was grateful to be able to share that with her and hope that she understood. She has always wanted to be cremated by being a spot where people could come and remember her.
There are so many things in the day of palliative care you spent so much time just sitting and holding a hand and yet so much still happens
Yeah, she did an amazing job hoping to get things sorted at the apartment. She kept sending pictures of things she wanted if I would want to keep or things that used, including the sexy cat lady nighty ha ha. she did stop by and hung out here for a while, which is good for us too connect and hard to sit with Ben for a while. I thought I might take a nap, but my body does not seem to want to sleep even though I need to.
I am currently in the big easy chair beside Mom’s bed with CMT. The channel that runs all the old sitcom shows in rerun. It’s funny to watch the background and one of factors who are now big stars. Last night, Patrick Swayze was on mash
I am about to tuck in. I have texted my client tomorrow and let her know that no matter what time I show up and get it done payroll will be run tomorrow.
I am doing OK. I am able to compartmentalize when needed and leak a little from the eyes otherwise my support team is huge. I don’t know if I could do this without Rae and now Ashlée’s help
triumphgal 