triumphgal

I was awoken by strong meows at 5:55 am. I am unsure still why Missy meows but I am pretty sure it is just her missing her previous bond. She seems to be settling in well though although I still haven’t found her spot. When I get home after work it takes her a while to come out from somewhere either in the den or my bedroom. Keri gave me a cat perch that her cats weren’t using any more and when I put it only 6 feet away from her own house she immediately scratched at it and claimed it as her own. She has been comfortably perched on it across from me all evening.

The advent perks were fun again today!

I feel as though I have been whiny and reactive at work and then a beautiful thing happened to perk me right up. The 4 people I do payroll for at CFEK popped into my office with a gift for Christmas, a delightful bottle of Scotch and more special to me, a card with lovely messages from each of them. They are so wonderful to make me feel a valuable part of the team. I also had gone to the mail this morning and there was a parcel from my cousin Debbi, and a card full of cash from my Mom. She had sent an envelope with cards for the kids so I was able to go after work to make the rounds and drop off. It was nice to have a small visit with them. I am making a plan to video chat with Emmy soon, I miss her terribly after spending every Thursday night with her for so long.

I seem to be stalled on the kitchen but there is so much going on with work and CCT tech and mystery shopping that I just want to relax by the time I get home. I haven’t even decorated my tree!

Today’s bad news was that there was a confirmed sale of Covid in the community at Mt Baker Secondary School here. It could effect me as Aiden Campbell goes there and we are in close contact weekly. He was not on the contact tracing list but in a world of teenagers it is so risky. I need to decide in the relatively near future about what I am going to do for Christmas. I have had long talks now with Rae-Anne and with Ashlée about what options there are. Diane has also asked me to spend dinner with them. I feel I won’t know what decision to make until closer to, with more information. I shall just keep working and assess where we all are the week before. More and more people in my extended friend world are suffering with it which makes it very real. I miss my time with my family and my framily. Time will tell.

Things have not always been tight between my middle child and me. Then, one year she agreed to come to MusicFest and be my right hand. That was an amazing turning point when it comes to the two of us accomplishing things. The problem is that we sometimes forget that we can get so much done if we follow the rhythms that we naturally discovered. I was reminded of that tonight after I verbally bombarded poor Maureen, the Executive Assistant to the Cranbrook Community Theatre Board. I was stressed and vented. I was sorry that I left her the impression that I needed her to save me. I am more sorry that I didn’t call her back to let her know that Ash and I were on it. I should have taken a deep breath and trusted our process. I met Ash at the theatre and we used 5 different devices to test our virtual visits with Santa that will happen over Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I really wanted to do a Tech dress just like a show. It is super important to me that we don’t let any children down. After an initial moment of chaos and downloading our feelings and frustrations, we got down to business, put on our MusicFest hats and worked through all the details, testing as we went, anticipating all outcomes and recording the steps in an email to me so I could review and rest assured we had it figured out. Then, God bless her, Maureen texted that she had done what we discussed. I hated having to say we found a different way but she was gracious as always.

Now that we have it figured out, I am really looking forward to this treat for the kids and want to spread the word. From anywhere in the world you can partake, just remember it is Mountain Standard Time

I was gone from home for over 12 hours and I can tell you there was one happy cat awaiting me. Missy is definitely making herself at home and I am pretty sure she was worried that she was moved to her own house. she was clearly thrilled I was back. Will be interested to see if she sleeps on my bed tonight.

My advents were full of good fun again!

I saw a picture of a cat needing a home on Facebook yesterday and private messaged that I was interested. Late morning today I got a call from the owner. After a chat she decided I was the one who should have her baby. 6 years ago a kitten was found in a box freezing on the side of the road in Fernie. It was Christmas Eve so she was named Mistletoe and found a life with Lori in Kimberley. Now Lori has to move and couldn’t find a rental that would let her keep her pets. She had her sister bring Missy to me complete with her own house, litter box, food and dishes, and carrier. It was a compete surprise to me that I was drawn to this cat as I have avoided having ‘real’ pets for years. I lost several I was very attached to and decided it was a pain I could avoid if I didn’t get another. Seems this little one melted my grinch heart. I brought her in and she ran into a corner and hissed at me but over the course of the next few hours she ventured out and is exploring the house. The first two are the pictures that hooked me. The last was in our first few minutes together.

I left her and went to Home Depot to get a spade bit and jigsaw blades because MY SINK ARRIVED! I was amused by what they are selling…

It took me a while and my forearms are sore from the vibrations but I got the holes cut and made sure everything fits. I didn’t plumb it in yet as I want to trim out the new window and finish the back splash before I hook up the tap. I am very thrilled with the way it looks though!

Another character and a bath bomb for the countdown.

The other great thing that arrived today was my CPAP cleaner. a week ago Friday I was at Campbells when a commercial came on featuring William Shatner promoting the brand. I had been thinking about one for a while so I promptly ordered it. I set it up and did a first clean. Better to be safe.

Dr Bonnie announced that the restrictions will be continued until January 8th. This means I, as a single am allowed to pick one or two other to spend time with and they only with me. This will likely be the Campbells as my daughter and her family are 6 just them. I have spent other Christmas’s alone so I Will be ok. Just have to make a plan. Diane has invited me to be with them for dinner. I think i am avoiding committing because it seems so far away yet and I don’t really know what my mood will be by then. For now I am just working my way through the days and keeping my head above water.

I was up too early as typical right now. Watched a little TV and got a call from a client around 10. Was polite and solved the problem but wished people were more boundary aware. It did get me up and going though which was a good thing. I went to meet Rae-Anne and we had a great conversation in the yard. Got discussing work and met her at her work to see a stand up desk mechanism that I promptly agreed to buy at a ridiculous deal. We took it to my work and figured out how to set it up. Just have to remove the resident keyboard tray and good to go.

After she left I spent 4 hours working on a file to get it done uninterrupted. It was a big one to get off my list. I felt like doing an end zone dance when I was done. I am really looking forward to next week when I get to move to the new space.

I came home and decided I just had to know what the tile would look like on the wall so I did the first stretch after shimming and screwing the countertop into place. I was very pleased with the results. It wasn’t too hard to do and I just have to figure out the trim I will use. Really can’t wait for the stainless stove and sink.

I had won an online bid-war yesterday for a Christmas Tree Train. Sold my range hood and took the money to pay for the train. After tiling tonight I set it up and I really like it! I am such a nerd.

I got a couple cute items the last two days in my advent countdowns.

Awake too early again so I enjoyed The Mandalorian and the started cleaning and doing laundry. Got my Roomba working again and called The Brick to check in on my appliances. Lisa called me back from her cell phone to let me now there is still no shipping information for the stove and dishwasher. The fridge however which is the one I need the soonest may be here by next Friday. I did ask about the floor model if it doesn’t come and that is a possibility. I did get a call from the Freight company that my delivery would be between 10 and 2. That is a big window. I alternated between working and watching The Crown season 4. It is interesting as it has caught up to my memory. Watching Charles and Diana and the Falkland war etc. Gives a different perspective.

Finally just before 2 I got the call he was on the way. Sean and Aiden showed up to help unload and bring the countertop inside. I measured the crate as there was some argument over actual. There was a bit of damage that made me nervous but none to the top.

I removed the old top with some difficulty and made sure the new one would fit then texted Sean. The two of them came over again and we put it into place. It was an exact fit! I love the new look. Can’t wait to get my sink.

I had been invited to their house for dinner so off I went for food and crib. I was so tired that I found everything hilarious. I was talking about the suggestion that I raise the head of my bed to help with the acid reflux. I mentioned it might make all the blood flow to my feet and cause swelling. Sean, Captain Obvious mentioned that didn’t happen when I walked around all day…. I couldn’t stop laughing. I came home and put the stove back in place and removed and replaced the smaller counter. I love how it looks, can’t wait to get my stainless stove and dishwasher. I finished this season of The Crown and began watching After Life on Netflix. Ricky Gervais is funny and crude but two episodes in I will watch more. Now I must sleep.

4th of the month and I have three cards already. This is the month I love going to the mailbox. One from extended step-family in England, one from dear friends who live in the west Kootenay whom I met on Salt Spring Island and one from my best friend from grade 1-3. What a cool world that these connections have been found, continued or restored. I seem to be hit and miss with cards. Last year I got them out, not yet this year. I am actually hit and miss on all my connections at the moment. I don’t answer immediately when I see a text or email, it is not like me.

I am a bitch, yep, seem to be always complaining and correcting these days. I know, some people may think I have always been that way but I really do care deeply. I would do almost anything for others but on the other side of that I seem to be all about me. It is a big conflict in my head and gut right now and I find myself lashing out and apologizing when I just panic and go away. I am better to lock myself up and get things done uninterrupted right now. I have had the nickname Multipurpose Marnée but right now I have stress trying to multitask. Part of it is the amount of money I am putting out on my place and Christmas when so much hasn’t arrived yet. I was happy to call the courier today and find out my countertops were on the truck to be delivered today. She said they would call me 15 minutes out so I could meet them at my place and that it would be at the end of the day. They didn’t call….

It was -12C this morning and I am not sure it warmed up very much. My friends were frosty. At least the wind is calmed.

My advents had fun surprises today, can’t wait to get my bathroom done so I can use the bath product. Although that would involve the plumber coming through with a furnace. He has not responded in a week to my sending him the info to get one. everyone is busy and I am not more deserving but I am starting to get super deflated. I guess I need to become a squeaky wheel. If necessary I will plumb in my own water conditioner. I found out Sean has the crimping tool and cutter. I will have to contact James at Culligan and make sure the size and play they will need. I have hope they will deliver my tops tomorrow so I can install them and do the backsplash. Then I can trim out the window and be ready for the sink to arrive.

I was happy they adopted my idea of Festive Friday at work. It was cute to see so many dressed for the season. Any bit of cheer is a bonus in these busy complicated times.

Watched Good Luck Chuck with Sean and Diane tonight and do not remember it being so terribly inappropriate but one can’t help but laugh.

I got the pleasure of hearing the voice of a dear friend today. I had a PST question and reached out. She was busy and by the time she called back I had dealt with it through Service BC but I was so glad to hear my dear Cresslynn’s voice. She is the Production Manager, the backbone of Vancouver Island Music Fest and I haven’t seen her since mid-July 2019. This is the longest apart in as long as I can remember. Neither of us had time to talk long but we will make a plan soon. I have such great relationships with my Comox Valley friends but worry that if life doesn’t bring me there again, I will lose touch and we will be just another round of Facebook memories. They make me so happy and fulfilled to be around them, be part of the joy that creating a festival together brings. Cresslynn just sold her the land and building her business has been operating in forever. The Cumberland Pub or Cumbie has been a cornerstone of the community for years. She has tried to sell it as a pub and restaurant for years but a developer now will bring a different flavour to that corner of town. I am sure it was a hard decision for her to come to and it is just another thing that will never be the same.

Covid-19 has taken it’s toll on my trust sensors. I want to continue to develop close relationships but then I find out that a client who has become more of a friend really doesn’t believe in the necessity of a bubble and even went for a tattoo today. I was surprised they are allowed. Another thing I have been stressing about is that two weeks ago I let the tech guy at work take my laptop to swap out the hard drive so it run faster but it had a bios error and won’t reboot. Apparently Asus wants him to send it to them. I am so stressed over not having it but don’t want to get angry at something that he clearly did not do on purpose. I am however getting angry at The Brick as I bought my appliances on Oct 2 and still haven’t received them nor an actual date of delivery. I went there to check on it today and was offered that they will find similar but available as Samsung has had a production glitch. I still haven’t received my doors that I ordered and paid for on August 16th, my countertops were picked up in Delta 9 days and no word where in the delivery line they are here yet. I message my plumber about my need for a new furnace and plumbing for the softener system and hear a chorus of crickets. I am trying to be kind but I am on eternal hold for everything while in the meantime I am bombarded with requests for assistance that all seems immediately important. I do not have the ability to push pause. That isn’t my style though so I will continue to get er done.

I had a delivery notice in my door last night from Purolator and was excited to go see what someone had sent me. It was one Tupperware item in a box! All this time they have been dropping on my porch and now I have to go to the depot? So odd. Had to show ID and everything..

I opened my advents tonight and it was Sally! And lotion, really lovely lotion and I want to just keep putting it on.

It was very crisp today. My home is warm. Life is good.

I went in early this morning to record a story for the Christmas series that is being co-sponsored by Cranbrook Dodge and Cranbrook Community Theatre. Every night at 6pm mountain time from the 1st to the 24th someone will read a story for kids. I read one of my pop-up books today and it ended up being aired tonight which was cool.

My brain is still not back to normal. During and for a while after a depressed cycle I find myself stressed I will make a mistake or forget something. My favourite thing is to catch my own mistakes quickly and solve them. That has happened twice in as many days. I had to call CRA today about a file and was thrilled to catch some things that were not mine but could have been troublesome. I had such good help from two levels of agents that I gave them kudos. I remember what it was like working on the phone lines for what was then Revenue Canada and it is nice to be recognized.

We will be moving to the new office spaces next week it looks like. I am looking forward to it. It is noisier than ever in my space currently.

This morning’s Christmas countdown fun was a Zero decoration and a cool highlighter. I am an office supply nerd so it was appreciated.

I finally received the physical part of my Timeular App. I have been using the time tracker app for weeks on my desktop and the cool gadget was stuck in customs as they didn’t have my number to let me know I owed 16 in duty. I didn’t get to use it today but it is seriously cool and I will let you now how it works when I do.

I met at the TD bank to sign on as Treasurer for CCT and am really enjoying getting to know Peter and Sheila, the Pres and VP. As we work through setting up policies around the practices over the years things are streamlining. The only problem is we are really busy with everything all at once. Keeping theatre alive is very important but also a full time job! We are doing a membership drive in honour of Bud Abbott who would have been 100, letters and zoom with Santa, streaming It’s A Wonderful Life and the Christmas Story and that is just December!

An extremely satisfying day. I Dressed for December best and spouted platitudes about “if you can’t sparkle inside, be sparkling outside”. I met with a few people in masked opposition and got things in order. It was a big payroll day and huge launches for Community Theatre. We are doing bedtime stories for kids starting tonight and announced visits virtually with Santa with donations to food bank. Pretty exciting stuff. A client whom I served at the firm dropped in to my office today with work to do completely unaware I haven’t worked there in over a month. I felt bad for him and he was sad I am not doing his books anymore. Odd they didn’t let him know but I don’t think they fully appreciated the relationships I built with their clients. There is a new section in the Co-working space I have an office in that I will be moving to. My office will be more secluded and has a window to the outside which will be nice for concentrating and growing plants! They had the post construction cleaners in today and the cleaning chemicals gave me a reaction. I am sure there will be chemicals off-gassing from the glued down carpets so I am bringing my scentsy collection to counteract. Not sure exactly when the move will be but the desks are currently being built.

After work Diane met me at Grapes and Suds Brew. It was a lot of work to load up the 93 bottles. We had fun bottling 3 batches of fruit wine: Green Apple, White Sangria, and Pomegranate Wild Berry. There was lots of laughter and chat with Bill the owner as well.

I was blessed that Sean and Diane will store for me until I get organized with the Reno and all. We enjoyed pizza and crib before I got tired of the whole long day and headed home. I arrived home and opened the parcel that arrived today. It was my new tap set that I ordered on Black Friday! I started ordering items to complete my renovations on August 16th. I am still waiting for the appliances, counter tops, sink and doors but I have the tap of my dreams. Ever since I ran a restaurant back in the early 2000s I have wanted a restaurant style tap. I finally got one and it is a beauty, matte black and stainless. It came boxed and bagged like a pair of Fluevogs which is pretty impressive. I shall pet it once in a while until I manage to get it installed.

I received my first Christmas card today as well, all the way from Bracknell UK from dear cousin Bea. She is so talented and organized, lol. I poured a sip of delicious and opened the first of both my advents. First Jack Decoration and nail polish from Rae. This is going to be a fun month!

I spent time before work wiping down the outside of the bottles, using Goo Gone to get the rest of the label stickiness off. Got to the office around 9 and organized the to do list for the day. Immediately it was thrown off by a call from the Culligan Man. James wanted to come and test my water to help me decide what system to get for my place. They have some good offers on currently and it is time to take care of conditioning and softening the water before it damages my new appliances. My hair really needs the help as well! It took a bit to figure out where it could fit and where the lines could run. That is the main problem with a mobile home.. no access from underneath. Fortunately I know where every hiding space is and we came up with a good plan. The current date to install is Dec. 30th but possibly the 21st. I have to get Justin the plumber in before that to take care of running the lines. It was interesting to find out that there were new pump stations put in in Cranbrook. It explains why I didn’t have such a bad hard water problem at my home across town. Apparently the pump house is only a block away and that puts me at the beginning of all things; chlorine, dirt, iron, etc. I am getting all things the way I want here and I’ll continue to do so bit by bit.

My throat was sore this morning and I was reminded that on Friday night Sean choked on his martini and coughed it on me. Although I suspect my soreness is due to using the cleaning product for so long yesterday, it instills the small voice that says, what if it is Covid? You aren’t supposed to be visiting in someone else’s home, even if they are your extended family. This would be all your own fault.

Maureen came and gave me some clarity on the CCT books. I feel caught up now, just need to reconcile the GST for as far back as I can claim it. That is a big plus!

I was told the countertops were in Cranbrook and it was going to cost me extra to get them delivered and it wouldn’t be until Wednesday so I called Outlander and they said it is so busy right now that there are trucks in a holding pattern awaiting opportunity to get unloaded at the warehouse. My shipment is still in one of those trucks. The lady was very nice and said she will call and let me know as soon as I can come and get them. I can’t shoot the messenger, everything is taking FOREVER to arrive. All will be in it’s perfect time. I had to contact FedEx about a parcel held up in Calgary as well. Patience….

I rescued a couple rose plants at work. The one on the left has just come into my care. The one on the right started like that and today I noticed a wee bud in the middle!

My day ended with doing my billing for the first time to all the clients who came along with me when I left the firm. Before I had gotten home I had heard from three of them to just go pay myself from their accounts. That is a level of trust that is just … extra. I honour that. My garbage guy, Matt is coming to the rescue again. I sent him a picture of all that I ripped out of the kitchen and he said to leave it on the porch and he would take it away on Wednesday!

Ashlée came by to surprise me with my Christmas present from her and Ken. It is an incredible Pop-up Advent Calendar themed Nightmare Before Christmas. I love it. I collect Pop-up and Jack so win-win!

More stuff off the list today! Ripped off all the faux brick paneling in the kitchen, replaced the white range hood with the stainless one I bought for $10 and washed down the walls ready for the new countertops that are supposed to show up tomorrow. There were several layers of finish through the years. I was glad I recently charged my toque as it made it easy to install the range hood when I had my hands free. My vertigo really acted up when i was trying to look up to do it though.

Rae messaged to go for a walk and since I needed to get my steps in for a Fitbit challenge I was eager to go. We are not sharing cars so I went to her place and we walked down town and window shopped all the streets. She found some very great deals at two difference places for the boys for Christmas. It was lovely weather and great to get out with her. It was essential for me to get some good sunshine time.

I came home and got busy cleaning wine bottles as Tuesday is bottling day. As I have a three different batches down I needed at least 90 bottles ready. I was short 26 so picked some up from Bill and Deanne’s (my first husband), Vanessa (daughter’s close friend and neighbour) and Roger (son-in-law) in order to have enough. Of course none of theirs were even rinsed so there was a lot of cleaning and scrubbing of labels. Once I was done, several hours later, I realized I had created my own Christmas tree so I grabbed my Angel and the decoration I bought yesterday for a quick picture. I love it!

with gratitude to Shawn Mendes:

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my bloodLaying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’tIt isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my bloodI’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m tryna find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could help me?It’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’tIt isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my bloodI need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody nowHelp me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’tIt isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood, oh, oh
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood

There were times I jokingly sang this chorus when I didn’t think I would make a deadline but the reality is that it goes for deeper than that. There was a time back in the 90s when I was suicidal for the last time, Lord willing. I was working at a Hardware store and I looked my manager in the eyes and told him I didn’t think I wanted to be here any more. He recognized what I was saying and took me to the hospital. I was given drugs, counseling and suicide watch until they were convinced I could go home. I followed up with counseling and was told I had the strongest will to live they had seen. No matter what my brainstorm was telling me, it wasn’t in my blood to take my life. I rely on the knowledge of that built in safety, maybe too much. I got my first tattoo after that. I was in my mid 30s and got a winking happy face to remind me whenever I looked in the mirror that things would never be allowed to get that bad again. When I heard this song the first time there was a strong resonance that I couldn’t deny, nor could I ignore the fact that I had all the tools to get through anything. This last week or more tried to kick my tail but this time I didn’t keep my pain to myself, I shared and talked and used the tools I have been taught, and I made it through. Thank you to all of you out there who have followed along. There is something comforting in knowing someone is hearing what I have to say. My pain is in being silenced, my joy is in serving and in being appreciated for what I bring to any situation. Seriously, without that, why bother. A life well lived, a grateful heart, good friends and basic creature comforts is really a lot.

Last night when I left the Campbell’s Sean gave me a book. It was quite the surprise. I appreciate it especially as I have been to Hemmingway’s house in Key West. I hung my first decoration on the tree that is in honour of my grandson’s favourite game, Fortnite.

I had great intention to get a lot done at home today. I did but not as much as hoped because I took opportunity to enjoy relationship when offered. I did get my washer and dryer hooked up properly which I will admit was challenging single handed to put in the new vent and hook up the stacking. I did a happy dance after! I also started stripping the faux brick paneling off to get ready for the new countertops which should be here on Monday. The difference already is making my kitchen look huge and I get two more cupboards that are usually above the fridge and I can’t reach them. I found a few layers of changes from over the years. Can’t wait for my new fridge, stove and dishwasher to get here!!!!

I did laundry that included my masks from the week. Good to have an array.

I am grateful that I was able to take opportunity this morning to stay in bed, drink coffee and watch the last two episodes and the last 4 of Disney Gallery about the Mandalorian. It is very good escapism for me and got me off on the right foot to get more things done today. I went to Culligan to set up a water test and quote on a whole house water softener, took a walk with Rae-Anne and Ashlée to a pop-up Christmas shop where I bought a few items from my favourite local artist, Neen. Met over a glass of wine with Maureen about our volunteer stuff and good conversation followed. All in all a very productive day even if it wasn’t exactly as I imagined yesterday.

I had the weirdest feeling today that I am in a strange one sided conversation with the world. If you have recently joined this convo, please read what you can to check in. If you would like to know more, message me. I will answer any questions and address any issues. I try to just share my life as I experience and process it in the mental state I am in each day. Some days are better than others and I don’t always recognize when my demons are winning. I do feel that I am currently rising above.

This morning I struggled a bit as there had been a lot of awake time in the night and then I saw that all my inflatables were struggling. I got ready for work and then went out and pegged them down as best I can. It was super funny when I arrived at work and a while later caught myself in a mirror. the wind had done quite the job!

I had a big list to get through this month and by the time I left work I feel I accomplished most of it. The problem I was fixated on was that I put in nearly 40 hours volunteer during my money earning time. I am ok with that as I committed knowing I would have catch up to do. The obsession is coming with using up billable hours but I need to rest in the Knowledge that my bills are paid for and I can make bucks in December.

Rae-Anne’s advent calendar arrived which was a lovely surprise as I had received and email saying it wouldn’t be until Dec 5th

Layla is always so good to see me but I suspect it is because she wants treats. Her current ones make me laugh.

After completing so much work and being grateful for my first month solo I went to Sean and Diane’s for dinner. We had a lovely evening with good food, crib, and Wii Trivial Pursuit which seemed to go on forever.

I was glad to see the neighbor across the street and lights were on as I needed photos of her furnace for my plumber. Sandy is super nice and her place is lovely and I got the pictures and forwarded them on. I am worried he won’t find the one I need for the rebates. It will be more expensive otherwise.

Good night, my friends and sleep well!

The Covid lock up the common area solution is pretty.

I went and signed papers for access to the Community Theatre’s investments, completed a Mystery Shop for Imperial at a Cardlock which was quite a different experience as I have never even used one before, picked up a bottle drying rack and cleaner at the You Brew and stopped at Canadian Tire where I picked up a tree skirt, batteries for my light up caravan and a new stick vacuum on sale. Before I got away from CT I saw one last box on a shelf and had to add to my collection.

I had a very tough night last night. For the third time in as many months I woke in the night with reflux burning my throat causing me to vomit until there was nothing left. The only way I could get back to sleep was to prop myself on my pillows and take a throat numbing lozenge. I still have a hard time understanding that my hernia is too small to do something about surgically. Dr. Dan’s office called today to set up an appointment to talk to him in December. She said they had forwarded my referral but that I should call in January to see when I might get in to the ENT… next year…. argh.

I mostly worked on volunteer things again today which I am going to have to be careful of. Need to pay the bills and keep up my commitments. The plumber called and he is having trouble finding a furnace that will work in my place. Asked if I could get a picture of my neighbour’s for an example. She worked late and I don’t want to go bother her after 11. Will try tomorrow.

Wished my American friends a Happy Thanksgiving. Got a message from a past love, a person who still holds a place in my soul. We parted because his ex was trying to make him stay single by refusing me to be around his daughters and that just couldn’t be a choice. I walked and have always cared deeply for him. It is odd timing for him to reach out with a joke video and then a voice message. It was so good to hear his voice. There was a time I was depressed and reached out and he didn’t respond in the way I hoped or needed so I decided I wouldn’t do that again. This time it seemed like he knew where my mood was and was being uplifting even though I did not reach out and have tried not to put too much on FaceBook. Maybe that is what he noticed. The absence of conversation sometimes speaks loudly.

Enough rambling, need sleep as I have much to accomplish and I believe my new countertops arrive tomorrow! I ordered a sink and tap from Wayfair on sale today. They are supposed to be here by the end of next week but after finding out from Home Depot that my doors I ordered in August won’t be here for another 3 or more weeks… well, who knows.

It is 9:30 and I can hardly keep my eyes open as I woke at 4:20, tried to go back to sleep and was processing work in my head so ended up at my desk before 7. I got a lot done today, like a great deal. I even was able to go to the theatre and arrange proper internet for the whole building. Maureen had done the footwork, arguing deals and then I met with the installers and made a plan. I was thrilled to find Jared arrive as he is the electrician who helped me when I blew the power the first day in my new place. He has been working for them for a couple years now and was able to see why we have a problem with a buzz in the lines. They are going to get us up to speed, so to speak! And Armando, well he just has the best head of hair I have seen in a long time, I am jealous.

That brings me to the subject I have been avoiding. I have been vainglorious around the head of hair I have been blessed with. No matter what colour or style it has been thick and luscious. And now as I am growing out my shaved side, letting it be long and natural, it is thinning substantially. I have been aware of large amounts coming out in the shower and in my pick. I really noticed I can see my scalp and I have never been able to before. I suspect it is a side-effect of the stress and whatever else is going on with me. I sure hope to hear from the specialist soon.

On another note, I am really happy to see how much Christmas is popping up everywhere. Even the space I work in took my advice to cover the shelves, where the dishes we can’t use are, with wrapping paper. They look so lovely, I will try to remember to take a picture tomorrow. Every one seems to be doing well settling into the rules of our Covid safety plan. Well, most are. Some really odd things happen that make me go hmmm but I think those are moments when someone just forgets.

I feel less reactive today, still pretty exhausted but it all makes sense, so much has gone on. My depression has almost always been anger suppressed and turned inwards. A few things including being yelled at by Fred, being disrespected by others had left me feeling out of control and silenced. It is that invisible hand over my mouth that sucks the life out of me, that drags me down, that convinces me that on some level I deserved to be treated that way. I go into self protection withdrawal mode. I am blessed to be doing this blog as it lets me voice some of it and gives people who care a peek into where I am at. Not everyone can cope with the sharp tongue and abrasive attitude but those who do are key to letting me vocalize and let loose what should not stay in my brain. I am grateful for them.

I told my Google Home that I was depressed and it replied that it wished it had arms so it could hug me and to remember that not everything my brain tells me is true. That is the truth.

I do not feel as though I am spiraling downwards any longer. It is a subtle difference but I feel it. I was mostly able to concentrate on what I needed to do today. I managed to put in over 10 hours of volunteer work. It was easier to do that during the week than add more days to the week. I do have a file I need to get done before Friday for sure but for the moment I need to get the my new Treasurer responsibilities caught up so that it is not hanging over me and we have the reports necessary for our founders and grant applications. I stayed right through at work until after 9 in order to attend the Board meeting comfortably as I still don’t have my laptop back from Brett. He took it on Thursday to replace the hard drive which he convinced me would make a big difference. When I reached out to find out why I don’t have it back yet he said it wouldn’t boot up due to a Bios issue and he was waiting to hear back from ASUS. This stresses me out. I am practicing patience. Keri found me a camera and I hooked it up to my work computer. I then did a test run with Sean on Google meet to make sure it worked. Maureen had come by with Treasurer and board stuff and left me my cards. It is funny as I can’t imagine handing out a card as Treasurer but maybe yes as Tech Director. We had our Board meeting and actually had a lot of positive in spite of having to cancel or postpone a lot of plans. Ideas for Christmas and paying it forward abound.

One of the other joys of my day was enjoying one of the apples Rae-Anne gave me. It is dark and crispy, looks luscious like a cherry and was so delicious. I must find out the type so I can find more.

I do so enjoy how early everyone seems to be turning on the lights this year. I only hope they keep them on through January as well.

Full on self preservation mode. I am trying hard to follow my creed to be a good person. I only have two modes right not though, either bite my tongue or full disclosure. I know I am doing the best I can but also know I am disappointing some people and will not meet all my promises. I will meet deadlines that involve the government. I will not complete all my volunteer obligations in the allotted time. I must learn to live within my limitations. It is hard as I have rarely given in to my brainstorms. This feels strongly as though I should honour the time of hibernation, hunker down and let the storm pass. There are people directly in my daily circle that have children at a private school with confirmed Covid. It feels too close. I set up my coffee station in my office. Although ironically I am supposed to cut out caffeine amount other things.

I heard from the internist today and he does not feel that the hernia is big enough to have caused my issues. He wants to refer me to an ear nose and throat specialist. I broke down and told him i am concerned for my mental health as there is no way to know how long that referral will take. he said he would write a letter along with the referral and check in on me in three weeks. He also told me for the first time in 5 years that the pills I am taking should be on an empty stomach and twice a day. So, mostly I am disappointed and overwhelmed and just want to shut my door and tell the world to Fuck Off. My response to everything right now should be No, just no.

It was Sunday 03-22-20 when I began this page-a-day blog. I went back and read about that day and it feels as though I could copy and paste a good deal of it. I no longer work for someone else’s firm but I am back in the same boat physically and mentally. Time for me to recover, let myself rest, get some more things off my stress list and then STOP MAKING LISTS, real or imagined.

I woke earlier than I wanted to. I tried to just stay in bed and relax. My phone rang and it was Maureen. She had read and reached out. It is clear she has previously dealt with other’s depression. Her words were uplifting, encouraging and specific to my issues at the moment. I was given opportunity to just let go, and cry. She encouraged me to just do one thing on my list today and that would be enough.

I got ready and headed over to give Will his present as he turns 9 tomorrow. We had a nice moment out in the sun.

Next stop was to get the Willys into my name and get the storage insurance on it. I had to call Ashlée to meet me at the Insurance place as we missed one necessary signature. She paid for the storage insurance which was only 30 dollars and expires on her birthday in April. It feels good to have my baby back.

I decided it was a beautiful day for a drive, which always cheers me up. I had gas station mystery shops to do in Kimberley and Ft Steele so off I went. It was a great choice to take my mind off everything else and I met some sweet employees. Between the two I decided to take the long way and stopped for a safe distanced short visit with my Cousin Jeanne. I have loved her my whole life and she is dealing with her own tough health issues. We commiserated and laughed. It was hard not to hug her but so good to see her face.

I had no idea how great the store was that is attached to the Esso at Ft Steele. It is an RV resort and has a wonderful collection of gifts and antiques. After I was done my job shop I went back and bought a little gift for a friend to stick in her Christmas card. Support local!

It was pretty well dark by the time I got home. It’s funny that I actually like my outdoor decorations in the daytime as much as the night. I put my Candles in the Window. It is a tradition I learned of in Newfoundland and I love it. A lit candle is a symbol to weary travelers that they are welcome in this home.

I decided to make myself a good dinner and dessert to use the food I have and not waste. Main course was a take on bruschetta with tomatoes, bocconcini and fresh sole on multigrain baguette, so delicious. Dessert was apple crisp as I had 6 apples of various types starting to get a bit old. Rae had given me some fresh ones today for snacks. It turned out so good and the place smells awesome.

I do feel a lot better and will get the book work done tomorrow that I was going to do today. My mental health break was much more necessary. I hope I have ridden the wave of Covid Fatigue and am on the mend.

Started my day with The Monthly ABC Zoom. Lots of good chat and catching up. Found out one of us has Covid-19 which was shocking especially as she looks so fine. I understood that she had a headache and no sense of smell, other than that, just fine. All of the talk bust have just tripped a wire for me as I got super emotional. They are all so kind and loving and I was grateful to be able to melt down a little. I guess my Covid fatigue is real and I just want to check out for a while. Seems my .iPad knows I should reach out and suggested I contact my cousin Debbi.

I decided to go get groceries and painting supplies, etc. so i can hunker down for a while. Stopped at Home Depot to check on the doors I ordered August 16th to have them say they were last supposed to have been shipped n the 6th from Quebec. They will follow up and let me know. As it happens, my appliances I ordered on the 2nd of October through The Brick still aren’t here either but the new countertops are arriving Thursday or Friday. Yay, small business! Came out of the store to see my car has nasty scratches. Argh….

Picked up the last grandkid Christmas present today so there’s that. Wrapped Will’s birthday lego for Monday and put away the groceries that had to go in the fridge or freezer. And then I finished watching THe Long Way Up. I am sad it is over as I did enjoy spending time on that journey. Part of it made me even sadder that travel is so out of the question for who knows how long and part of it brought tears of joy. The moment the clouds lifted and Ewan saw Machu Picchu for the first time I knew exactly what he was feeling. He had wanted to go there since he was a child, just as I had and I won’t ever forget how it felt to be there. The part where we learn about his adoption of the young child from his 2004 trip was just lovely. There were so many great moments, odd choices around renovating a bus and times of fear for them on the trails they were riding. It really did take me out of the dark place I was in for an evening and now I shall go to sleep, perchance to dream.