triumphgal

As I had amassed vacation and banked time and realize most of it will go to the tax man, I have been using it up as I approach my last days of work on the firm payroll. This morning I took care of my obligations, made plans for Monday and then took the better part of the day off to play with the Campbells.

It began with Diane, Zoë and I going to bottle their last batch of wine that was ready. It is a cheery Moscato and I thoroughly enjoyed the time. We even split a batch of red that will be ready to bottle in August. The owner Bill, was a great host. He has a nice set up at Grapes & Suds Brew and even provided stemmed glasses for us to sample the batch and a cheese, cracker, pickle and nut tray to enjoy while we did it. Zoë was very complimentary about my bottling skills, she is a sweetie.

After a quick stop to drop my cardboard recycling and pick up my coffee order that mistakenly went to the office we grabbed take away back to their house for lunch. It was then time to do our nails. Seems Diane is much better at it than I. She has such delicate hands I had trouble staying in the lines. It was fun though. And I love mine.

We were finished and enjoying a glass on the deck when all the guys came home and a decision was made to take Shea out for his graduation celebration dinner. We reserved a table at the Golf Club which had a limited but delicious menu and was set up well for distancing.

I agreed to be Auntie Marnée to the family dog, Layla while they are away on vacation next week. I am looking forward to it.

After they dropped me at home I puttered around the yard and my back neighbour offered me a gate they just took down for $20. I measured and it will work for the project I have in mind. I will go check it out tomorrow.

I am so enjoying my friend-family. I am sad they will move away in 2 years as they plan to go to Vancouver Island when Sean’s son graduates high school. Good thing I go to Van Isle at least once a year!

I am very tired as I feel as though I have been eating and drinking all day. Ok, I have. It was nice to finally have time to sit and hear Sean and Diane’s past, get closer as we know more about each other.

I am listening to a Vancouver Island MusicFest show streaming live from the Cumberland Hotel hosted by and including the playing of Doug Cox, a human being I am thrilled to call friend. What a Fantastic Friday night treat.

Home made red wine. I know better. Stick with top shelf on the rocks but no… At risk of oversharing as a Chatty Cathie I will once again keep it short. I have much to be grateful for today as I met with a firm client at the office and trained her in QB online, went to the dentist, met with a new client to review scope of work and bring home a contract to review and then spent the evening in my friend bubble enjoying good food, good wine, crib and rummoli.

I think my drunkishness is a result of the dentist actually as I had an adrenalin rush while the assistant was flossing the dam into my teeth. Flossing has always been like nails on chalkboard to me. I have small, tight teeth and was grateful when they came up with the floss string on a little holder so I felt I would have control. She didn’t know my anxiety about floss and at one point I jumped in the chair. That left me all done. The wine just exacerbated the problem but the good friends and the ride home helped.

I am going to go to bed and sleep this off. There is no way you all need to witness my maudlin side 😉

I may have gotten down on myself today. I may have done a little inward whining. I may have wished the weather would be different as the barometer hurts my brain. I may have discovered a mistake at work and felt it was the end of the world. I may have been offered a tentative contract of self-employment, heard from an old friend, cooked digby scallops and tiger prawns for dinner, and loved the sound of the rain. I may have questioned my value, lost some confidence and hated what the scale said.

What I did do was still live in my land of priviledge. By happenstance of birthplace and skin tone I have nothing to complain about. I have not had a perfect life but my deepest pains are born in my head and my heart, not worn on my outside to be made bigger by others.

I watched Da 5 Bloods tonight on Netflix. Spike Lee… wow. I am still processing what I watched. Even just the ‘reality’ was so different from what I have seen in movies before. It’s blend of factual and fictional is perfection. I am a different person for seeing it. #BlackLivesMatter

I sit down at the end of the night and I think nothing much has really happened, I worked, I did a few chores, I watched TV. It’s not true though. When I review my photos for the day I see that Josh, the new manny showed up with 5 kids in tow and they all had a great time in the pool which is now much warmer. Proof of that being that even Lukas went in! My new arched gateway has arrived and I need to put it together soon. Lukas found a wasp nest in my little library. Good thing it was still small and there was only one unhappy wasp when I knocked it out of there with the rake. There was a big earthquake in Mexico which led me to reach out immediately to Mau who was a homestay student here the year I moved back and I will always call him Grandson. He responded immediately that he was not shaken and that it was his high school graduation! I watched the live feed and although it was all in Spanish and I was trying an interpreter app that only gave me snippets, I was moved and so happy to share that with him.

At one point to day I took a picture of the Temp as it had reached the forecasted high of 29. Later in the day I noticed it was up to 33 and my indoor was up to 27. After the grad live stream I went out to mow the lawn as it was getting so long it was nearly impossible to cut. It took a lot of effort and I was exhausted and boiling when I was done so I came in, turned on all fans with windows and doors open, threw a freezie in my water bottle, added a shot of Vodka and coloured while I watched AGT. So much talent out there, it is inspiring.

It got me thinking though that all those people rely on us being able to get together and be entertained. I am sure the show will soon end as they run out of pre-taped episodes. There is no return to normal. This is it. What we get is what we get. I can’t help but think that I am living in the opening monologue of every post-apocalyptic movie I have ever seen. My step-grandma Laureen once told me that she was proud of me for being skilled in so many areas. I would be able to survive the next thing. She said people who could only do one thing well were going to be in trouble if it wasn’t their thing that was needed when things went sideways. She had lived through the Depression Era so I listened. She was a nurse, I think that particular profession will always be needed. I took what she said to heart and try to be self sufficient. I do wonder though if my need to branch out, have multiple jobs and options with a flowing schedule is a reaction to the times. I shall have to think on that. I have always done well being self-employed but I need to make choices that may be permanent. Preparing to not be a burden is definitely new to me. Maybe this is my midlife crisis! I have always said I was going to live to be 105 and I am 57 now. Right on schedule!!

The most I can say about today is that it was the opposite of yesterday. Where there was torrential rain, there now was heavy heat.

I kept taking breaks from work to get outside in the breeze if I could find it. Diane and tag-a -longs came with the pick-up truck to help take my yard waste to the transfer station. Good thing it was in the morning as that was tough going in the heat. The DQ drive-thru was nummy on the way back.

Worked some more and then stopped to put up my clothesline! Oh the glorious excitement. It only took nearly two years from when I bought the kit to get a pole and install it. I ordered stainless steel pegs and can’t wait to hang my first load although the next thing will be a deck reno to allow an easier spot to hang from.

Saw a spider who caught a dragonfly, that was nature at it’s amazingness.

Rae-Anne bought the vehicle we went to test drive and I am very happy for her. A 2018 Chrysler Pacifica in Copper Pearlcoat. It has the both side slider doors which is a blessing to all in parking lots with the 4 boys piling out.

I ordered pizza from Perry’s and they picked it up and came for a pool party. I probably should have joined the boys in the pool as my trailer feels like it got warmer rather than cooler over the evening. I really need to get a back door with a window that opens to have airflow and not bugs.

My garden trellis/front gate was supposed to arrive today. I hope it comes soon as I need to get it in place and build a fence due to the pool. Pretty sure it is a requirement of the city and my insurance. For now I tie down the cover and remove the ladder to a distance so no toddlers could get in it unsupervised.

My machine worked last night which was a blessing. I still woke up early but made myself go back to sleep. My plan for the day was to be sure the pool was full and good and cover it, and install my clothesline pole that I had ordered through Home Depot. I bought the clothesline kit itself before I moved in around the end of August 2018!!!

As I was laying in bed checking messages, there was a knock at my door and as it was only sometime after 8 on a Sunday morning I was stunned to find a Canada Post drop off of my T-shirt order from Vancouver Island Music Fest. This came only 6 minutes after I had shared the post about the merch available…..spooky

Just as I was about to get busy outside the sky opened up. It was powerful and awesome. I ran out in the storm to be sure everything was tied down and dry in my new MusicFest Tank which made me feel all the feels.

As it was nasty out for a bit I came in and watched 13th on Netflix, holy must see!! It was so informative and powerful and the interview after with Oprah and the director just made it even better.

When the sky cleared enough I installed my new clothesline pole. It was exhausting but I got it done. I will take care of the other end and the line another day as that was enough for one day.

I decided to make a nice dinner and watch ‘When They See Us’ by the same director as 13th. So freaking powerful. I remember the event as it was on my birthday if for no other reason and am now educated to refer to them all as the Exonerated Five.

Must, must see… poor Korey. I cried and had all the ‘ want to hug everyone of them feelings’ after watching the Oprah interview after

Now I must admit that I have had a couple delightfully expensive Scotch in my Dad’s memory. He crashed his floatplane and died May 8th 2004 and I always try to have a Scotch with a good man on the important dates. I had one (maybe 2) with Sean last night but enjoyed ont (maybe 2) tonight. I love the man that he was and all that he inspired me to be in spite of the challenges that we had.

This was printed in the Gulf Islands Driftwood newspaper June 16, 2004 on my behalf.

So yeah I loved and miss my Dad, and am grateful for the Father’s in my life who love and respect their kids

4:04 am I awake with a start as my CPAP machine suddenly cuts out. I can’t seem to focus enough to figure out why, so I cast it aside and eventually fall back asleep. In the morning I read that it says the tube is blocked. It is not but I take it all apart and clean it and am hoping for the best tonight.

I work half the day and then zip to the office on my bike to sign the amended contract. I joke that I have now moved to a full face mask for Covid protection. Everyone seems in a better mood. I think unrest and the unknown was causing stress to many. I return home to Diane and Zoë and their dog Layla with take out lunch and we have a picnic in my yard. That was a nice treat. I am tired and it is hot so I relax inside for the afternoon.

At 6 we gather at a distance to celebrate Gene having turned 13 this past week. Bevies and Cake and an overwhelming amount of company. Really it was just the usual pre Covid bubble but it was a lot all at once. Everyone was respectful and Gene loved the personalized journal I got him from Wonderbly to follow up on the previously given Mophie for his phone. He came to spend the night as he will help me level the ground to put up the pool tomorrow. He’s a good kid and his grandfather will deliver the tools we need.

Before we could play Little Big Planet he had to finish and upload his final assignment of his Grade 7 year. It was fun to have our mini celebration. We played for a bit and then off he went to bed.

I awaited Jake’s arrival from Vancouver. I had set up my Airbnb space for him. We sat and had a good catch up on his new job and living situation and he was the first to try the Raspberry Rhubarb Crisp hot out of the oven. Gene and I plan to have it for breakfast.

I forgot to share last night another accomplishment in my circle. Shea (Diane’s step-son) got his degree and it came in a graduation kit in the mail. Disappointing but pretty cool he got the hat and all.

I think. I cut the cord officially today and am as of July 1st self-employed again. The day started with a lovely client, Stacy dropping off squash plants, lettuce and rhubarb. I moved the pool off the grass to assess what needs to be done and found my spray nozzle under it! After that I got a lot of work done but had a very hard time concentrating due to the pending meeting. I am very patient when I know the date something will eventually happen. I am very Let’s Go! when something spontaneous occurs. I am terrible with pergatory.

I questioned my Dad once why he never taught me to weld like he did my younger brother. I thought it was a guy thing and I think a large part of it was but his response surprised me. He said welding was brutal on the body and if there was anything else he was that good at he would do it. He wanted more for me. Now, I must add that his greatest pride was my kid brother who is, acknowledged by Dad, an even better welder and fabricator than he was. I was to fill another place. Strangely I ended up working with wood, contracted houses and decks and swimming pools. I did always love the concrete and rebar work though, must have been a metal girl at heart.

My Dad’s lesson though was to look after my body, it had to hopefully last a long time. His only made it to 64, I am now 57. I feel the aches and pains of hard physical work but I wouldn’t change a thing. I purposely left the industry I loved and now spend most of my time at a desk and it has been hard to work for someone else after being self employed for so many years. There was actually a time when I was told I was not hireable for that fact. I am grateful to the people who have hired me and proved that to be incorrect.

So for almost a year now I have put myself in pergatory. I have not been happy in the constraints I was in. The problem was I am paid well for what I do. The ultimate cost though has been my health. I have inflammation that is activated by stress likely the result of a concussion but we are still working on finding the root and a solution. Like asthma, I find it hard to breath and can’t figure out why. I started paying more attention and realized that emotional stress seems to be a cause. I am very Type A and if I even remotely perceive that I am letting someone down or not delivering the perfection that is expected I begin to stress, my sleep gets disturbed and my breathing becomes laboured. My body is telling me it is time. Time to make a change.

Covid-19 gave me a gift. I have been wanting this change but no one at the office knew what it could look like. I came home to work, proved I am able to get what needs to be done and then requested this be my gig. As I have already had my own company and clients since 1994 it was an easy transition to full self-employment. I will contract to the firm I worked for as I have no ill will to the clients I work with, and take on my own. I hope to find a regular part time job that pays the mortgage no matter what so that I don’t fall in to my contractor state of mind. I used to work crazy hours as I was always afraid there wouldn’t be a next job. Bookkeeping is different being that it is never actually done… so I should be able to relax a bit once I establish a healthy capacity and get into a rhythm. Mostly I look forward to being able to take breaks, go outside, fill my soul when I need to. I am still a night owl at heart and if I am working noon-9 as long as it gets done, I’m good.

July 1st I will wake up on Canada Day thinking What Have I Done? Or not, I may just celebrate that on June 18th I had a great meeting with two ladies who see the need in their company but also want the best for me so they set me free. I emptied my office and moved home.

I have been hiding a terrible act of waste. Those who care about these things know that I am trying to do my part to save the world. I recycle, reuse, & repurpose everything (if you watched yesterday’s post you would have seen my ‘yardart’ which was mocked). I compost garden waste, just got my clothesline pole delivered today and never leave the water running while I brush my teeth. I have always taken the shortest showers. This was a habit formed early as I grew up on a houseboat on the Fraser River which had a very small hotwater tank for a family of four.

But in the last two to three weeks I have moved my above ground pool twice and am about to do so again tomorrow. In my haste to get it up early I paid no heed to the newest frost heaves and ground changes nor the serious slope it was on. It worked but only went up about two feet rather than three because of the low side. The cover had blown off and the water was slimey with pollen so I took opportunity to drain it into all my gardens and move it to a flatter area in a different, sunnier part of the yard. The kids played in it but more water seemed to be seeping out so with Ashlée’s help we (thought we) set it up on more even ground, even taking out some sod on the up side and placing it on the downside.

Before it was even full it started overflowing with a grand whoosh. This brought the across the street neighbour with her grandson to splash in the grass to great glee. I have now determined where it will permanently live and asked Diane if I could borrow a good long straight 2×4. Tomorrow I will work at leveling the spot completely, put down a ground cover and set it up one last time. Should that not work I will have to sell it and move on to a different style that can be levelled. I am stunned that this is happening. It is a different brand than my first one and wider across but even a couple inches over a wide distance makes… well, a driveway slope I suppose.

I did have a couple good laughs today, especially at the Dentist when he asked how I was doing with both his hands in my mouth and I said it was a hell of a way to come out of isolation! The waiting room was a sure sign they were following protocol.

AGT (America’s Got Talent) really picks me up as well. I did my colour by numbers while I watched. It is oddly calming given I work with numbers all day

So, wish me well for the Great Pool Caper of flipping 2020 and also for the meeting I have with my bosses at the end of the day tomorrow to officially terminate my full time employment come the end of the month. I don’t have a full new gig yet but it is time. I am going to be able to officially rehang my shingle as Printed Matter Services – Specializing in getting & keeping you balanced. Reach out to PMSsince1994@gmail.com should you need my bookkeeping services.

I was sitting up late one Sunday night on Salt Spring Island and decided I missed theatre and extra work so I searched Auditions and coming across a new show that was being cast, decided to apply. The very next day I received a request for an audition tape and made one of my commute, walking to work along the harbour. It didn’t take long before we were contacted to take a specific time off in June 2002 and arrangements were made with our individual work to Trade Places with another family and head to a place undisclosed in Canada.

We were disappointed to find we were going to Calgary as Ashlée had come from Cranbrook to be part of this and the next closest big city to Cranbrook is, yep.. Calgary. But I had signed a document saying I would go along and do what was asked.

I worked my tush off and Lee got to hang out, go do manly fun things and both kids were basically abandoned at home. It was during a heat wave and there was no air conditioning in their home, nor the restaurants. I really wasn’t impressed they brought their nanny with them. It was not in fact trading lives! I wanted to see what it would be like with a nanny! Fed up at one point I did rebel and took the kids to the zoo which was a treat.

According to Her staff she had the second highest cell phone use in Alberta due in most part to micro-managing. Shame that, as her staff were more than capable and really fun. They asked me to stay, lol

For the record I have never made tofu, died hemp and at that point hadn’t even been salmon fishing. At least my friends were getting advertising for their small businesses.

There was unfortunate blow-back about my assistant manager calling her ‘girly’ but it’s island living, pretty familiar. I didn’t think it was fair Roxanne wasn’t given the directions, that was the Producer’s idea.

It was also the producer’s idea that they do that yard installation. I was so angry when I got home as we pay for everything we cast off. I sent them the bill once I got it all taken away. I also thought they were extremely rude in mocking the fun lifestyle and home we had. It was also the Producer’s idea that my oldest daughter who was returning home just before it was over pretend she was shocked there were strangers in our home. I refused to let the world think I was the type of mother who would allow that to happen to my teenager. In the end I heard the field producer’s were let go after this. I hope not but it really was a false reality and I may have enjoyed it more if I had been them having a vacation rather than I who worked so hard and made her business look great in spite of raw chicken being transported in a car trunk in a heat wave, or mouse droppings in the cupboards that I hid from the camera.

I don’t regret it and was recognized by strangers for a couple years after but it did turn me into a reality show junkie. I watch the clothes and hair and timelines that don’t match.

Sadly that trip was also the end of my marriage with us separating when we returned. It was strange for the newspaper coverage and the release of the show all to have happened while we were no longer together. Some long lost people from my past did manage to connect after learning where I lived. It was 5 years before Facebook after all

Years later I did meet Roxanne in Calgary. Their marriage hadn’t survived the years either. She did thank me and said her life had changed after that, she’d gotten a better perspective.

Today I don’t feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don’t feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
‘Cause today I swear I’m not doing anything

Oh yeah, Bruno, I feel ya. Or maybe a little Elton..

And I guess that’s why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why they call it the blues

Right on frickin’ schedule, big emotions followed by the brainstorm. I am not handling any stress whatsoever, am withdrawing and sad.

I also should probably stop obsessing over something that has been an underlying current for the last 26 years of my life. #BlackLivesMatter. No I do not hate the man who raped me, yes he was black, no I do not believe all black men are rapists. Yes this is a conversation I have had more than once. The man who did that was wrong, the society he grew up in had some messed up ideas about women and white people likely gave them that idea in the first place. It was strange to defend my choice to keep my child and then watch the racism aimed at him. My son doesn’t talk about it much and I may fear the answers if I ask more. I remember telling him when he was young that he had to be as good as he possibly could be, ALWAYS. He would never get away with anything. I didn’t know I was giving ‘the talk’ but I was always a little afraid for him. I found it odd he didn’t relate to his colour. I am proud he just sees himself as a brown Canadian but I worry sometimes, often, actually. He was only 18 months old the first time a racist slur was thrown his way. Not much older when a little girl in the grocery store started singing ‘Bad Boys, Bad Boys’ when she saw him, and not much older yet when, on Canada Day, he was chased out of the park and told he couldn’t play there because of his skin tone. He has told me stories of various comments people have made over the years and I have always felt them similar to the way I have been treated as a woman. I felt I could relate. By no choice of mine I am a female born into a male dominated society. Yes things have come a long way but the pendulum had to swing far; capital F Feminism, bra burning, strikes for equal wages, etc. just in my lifetime. Things are far from perfect but it is time to stand up for Black Lives, all BIPOC! We must do whatever we can to undo the damage, beg forgiveness for the past and stop the slaughter, take our knees off our brothers and sisters. I want to learn how to do that in my town. It’s the place I can start. I will walk alongside for now, it’s all I know how to do.I don’t want you to have to look over your shoulder, I got your back.

Watch Blindspotting…

And on the 84th day it became just a diary. I don’t think I could keep calling it my Covid-19 blog once I started putting a toe out into the world and letting it come in to mine. At some point along the way I think I became a hermit rather than an isolator. I need to reimbrace the world I love so much. It began this week with the complete expansion of my bubble to include the Campbell Family and then today with having my Granddaughter, Emmy for a sleep over. She is the first person to spend more time than a quick use of my bathroom in my house in well over 84 days. She may also me the first sleep-over of 2020 which is remarkable.

After I awoke today I spent hours drinking coffee, chatting with young Zoë on kids messenger and finally getting the puzzle done that I have had on my table for weeks. It was so obsessively satisfying!

I got showered finally and organized my den/office/spare room so Ms E would have a place to sleep and I wouldn’t be threatened by the pile of crap I still have to sort out. Now most of it is hidden in totes, lol. The weather was nice most of the day and then when Danika arrived to drop Emmy off the promised foul weather was threatening. That however did not stop this bold three year old from demanding to get in. The first thing we did was manage to have her slip backwards off the floaty and have a full submersion which barely caused her to flinch as she had her water wings on which worked like a dream. She did acknowledge it was cold but there was no keeping her out. Ashlée came by with Sawyer and he was much more comfortable avoiding the water but they still played well together and everyone had hot chocolate and shared a shrimp ring round the fire until the weather seemed to be getting dangerously near.

We had a great evening together and it was still so odd to have someone actually in my house, touching things… but she was quick to point out that her daycare Diana taught her to make lots of bubbles and wash her hands well, which we did, often.

Having her here really ties in to my thoughts from yesterday, you see this little blond cherub tans very well as her father is half Caribbean. She will experience white privilege, he does not. There was a time when he was nervous to take her out of the park in her stroller while she was crying as people would stare at the brown guy leaving with a very white looking baby in distress. And that was here in Cranbrook. Conversely, no one questioned my having a brown baby. He looks so much like me there is no doubt he is my son but no one would question anyway as helpful white people often have adopted mixed race children. I will tell our story in a future episode. For now I want to soak in the day, cherish the love from a grand and enjoy my evening.